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Thursday, December 26, 2013

For Payton

Dear Payton,

I know you're going to see this because we're going to be exchanging Christmas gifts tomorrow and if you don't see this before then, I have led you to see this now. Here's why I decided to blog about/for you... I felt like going public (as public as potentially literally anyone in the whole world reading this) about how I feel about you. I could write you another poem out on paper, and I will always do that, but I feel like letting everyone in on how amazing I think you are and how much I love you. I hope someone stumbles across this and remembers that love is real and amazing and magical and everything they've ever dreamed of as a lovely human, just like we have. So without further ado, here is my love for you.
Wow... where do I start? What do I feel like I can actually say? I can fathom a lot of imaginative ways to express the simple and bold love that I feel for you, but I want you to hear (and/or read it) honestly, straight from my heart. Like a profession or a confession or something.
Love... You make me so so so so very happy. I feel like I can feel my heart smiling every time I think of you. I hear it speaking of all the wonderful things about you as a human, as the most creatively awesome person I know, a complete talent, an amazing man, a loving boyfriend all wrapped up in words that my heart cherishes, like "my baby" and "sweetie" and "love" or "lovey." You make my heart gush like a little girl and all that little girls want is for their hearts to gush. You found the key to my heart and unlocked the dam that was keeping my rivers of love from overflowing, and now they're overflowing for you (and moreso for other people too now). You are so entirely precious to me in the least girly sense. You are precious to me in the sense that I completely care about your heart and desires and dreams and 1000% want to be there to support you in all that you do and do those things with you, just like you're there for me and care about me. I FREAKING CARE ABOUT YOU! A lot! A whole lot! I love getting to know you, too. I absolutely love hearing your heart for the world because it's beautiful and always reminds me that the world is a beautiful place. You are passionate and loving and caring for every single person that you meet. And you are entirely fun when you speak love. It's just such a pure expression...sometimes I try to think about your expressions too much, like how they can be the way they are in such passion...but then I realize that YOU'RE JUST LOVE! AND SO MUCH OF IT! How can you ask love how it loves? It just does! And there's just literally nothing you can do to change it. Wow, that's good, haha. And there you go again...teaching me things about things and Papa all over again. Man! I CANNOT WAIT TO MARRY YOU! It's gonna be the absolute best and it's crazy and it's like my dreams are coming true and it's amazing and makes me feel like a girl all giddy and excited and I just love it all, okay??? ;) I just love you!!! And I just want the whole stinking world to know it! I would do anything to just be there for and with you, and I perfectly intend to do that forever with you, baby. You are my everything in a way that my heart has always longed to love a boy in this way...it rules finally meeting the passionate treasure of a boy that your heart has waited so long to know. And I'm so freaking glad it's you, Payton. I'm so freaking glad and so stinking happy and passionate about you! You are the best and I am beyond stoked to tell you that every single day, even before we marry. You are just every good thing incarnate and I love that you love me and that I love you and that our love is changing the world as we speak. We're going to do AMAAAAAAZZZZIIIIINNNNGGG things together, love, and I can't wait to see what happens when the love bombs go off and you take off flying. You are my hero, baby. You are perfect and I LOVE YOU. SO FREAKING MUCH. Ughhhhhhh! Haha ;)

Love,
Martina, your adoring girlfriend ;)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Opinions

I'll be honest--I'm a bit ticked right now.
I'm tired of seeing the opinion-based spewings of hardcore kids all over Facebook comment sections. Hiding behind good rhetoric is not gonna help anyone but will only make you feel better about yourself because let's face it, that kind of pompous language is an attempt to sound clever and witty and no one freaking cares unless you're hardcore. And isn't hardcore always about proving yourself to some group or someone? Isn't it always about hazing and bulljunk like that?
I've just about had it with the hardcore scene. It sucks. There's been very little good come out of it recently I feel like.
But here's my point...even this opinion that I have I don't hold on to in fear of being wrong. I just don't take myself seriously enough and try to cleave to a value system and defend it with my whole mind and fists that it matters enough. Constructive thoughts are wonderful, but I've just had it with the loaded academic rhetoric bull. What's the point? To be pompous? That's just plain dumb. Get a life.
Or really, friend, just realize that you're already good. There's nothing deficient with you. You needn't try to prove that anymore. Be yourself and love yourself and life. Jesus does about you, hardcore kids. He really does. You've got nothing left to prove. I promise.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Beliefs Aren't A Salve

Beliefs aren't a salve and doctrine can't be applied to solve life's problems.
Jesus did it all already.
To rest is truly the best.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Awkward

Have you ever just had those moments where something you've avoided for a long time suddenly pops up out of nowhere and you're pretty surprised about it? Just had one of those.
Healing is such a long and tough process, but it's necessary.
Don't ever give up on it. Don't let it become you and let communication happen where it's needed.
Friendship is important and it's important to remember that.

That was my frustration all along.

Looking to return to this topic again in the near future with vulnerability and shame, guilt, and fear as points of address. Excited!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Tradition: The Most Valuable Source? A Valuable Source At All?

I've been thinking lately about the source of tradition in use of theology. Theologians claim four sources for doing theology: Scripture, tradition, reason, and experience. You've already heard me rip apart and book back together Scripture and now I'm thinking about tradition.
I've noticed lately the inclination that some people have towards listening too intently to others, throughout history and in the here and now/modern age. By listening too intently I mean listening to gain something from them selfishly. To gain some truth, some knowledge, some hope that you're not wrong or some secret about God. I see people studying the church fathers and modern pastors and every single thing in life too intently, so much so that, as much as they claim they don't, they begin to listen to rely on them for affirmation. They are looking for some outlet to agree with, to argue their point-of-view, to do something other than just listen. There always seems to be an agenda, doesn't there? I even have heard people say that we should listen, and then they turn around and say that's what being a good Christian is about. Even pleasing God is an agenda, as if He isn't already pleased. I know it's good to be a good listener, but not because it's what good Christians do and certainly not to gain something/some nugget of wisdom from someone so selfishly. No shame, but that's just selfish.
To me, I see every single human being as a gift. I see that everyone around me is learning about life in some way or another. Religiously and unreligiously (hopefully the latter). Seeing everyone as a gift, I long to JUST live in community with each person, living and yes, learning from them, but just because I'm friends with them. To learn from them is not a goal, but I know it is a natural bi-product and that rules. I simply long to share in intimacy, vulnerability, and to ask people if they're feeling loved; I long to love and that is IT. I don't wish to glean something from anybody, I just want to hear them out because that's how I love them because I WANT to, not because it's my Christian duty to. As for the church fathers, I just want to hear them out, that's all. I want to consider their thoughts in such a way that honors them as human beings just figuring life out, not to craft my own belief system off their thoughts. Not to leech off them. Not to make a new doctrine. Not to argue something. Just to rest and put my arm around my friend from the past and love them for who they were.
I'm sick of all the debates, I'm sick of all the tradition having actual "say" in our lives. Let love inform you, that's all you need, I promise.
Thank ya!

Monday, November 4, 2013

Everyone and Their Lives

Today, I've been pondering what important beliefs I have about life, apart from Christianity/religious ideal. I ask myself this question every so often and it's been coming up a lot recently. I always seem to come back to knowing love in wholeness and community, encouraging and holding one another up and enjoying, adventuring, living in wonder and awe of ourselves and this world (and the Creator of it!). To me, Jesus is the final say about the goodness of humanity and serves as a reminder that we can't mess this thing up, this being human thing, because He forgave our troubled minds (as we asked Him to). He's so beautiful! That's who I want everyone to know in total and utter intimacy. That's literally all I want in life.
I've also been thinking about the implications of this in my life and "ministry." If I'm supposedly going into an exclusively Christian context, how does my views on  Scripture and sin affect that? Can I get a job? Will people still want me if I disagree with their major doctrines, but offer helpful alternatives and everything is MORESO rooted in love? I plan on taking some time off from Christian culture, at least predominantly, after college, so I'm not worried about a job immediately afterwards, but what about later down the line? I'm thinking a dry church is where I want to start, because at least change can happen there (quoting another author here...of The Art of Curating Worship, can't remember his name). I just want people to know that they're loved and they're not alone at all in this thing, that vulnerability is OKAY, and love is all we have and need. And I know the power of this played out in real life...I've seen it. It's sooo powerful and beautiful! Our Papa is such a good One! Haha! :) I just love Him! Goodnessssss! Hehahahaha :D
Oh, also with worship... what if the question isn't "How can I get Christians connected to God/the story of God/the drama of redemption?" but "How can I connect humanity with love active (the very God)?" What if God has multiple names? What if He's revealing Himself all over the place and Christians have tried to claim Him all for themselves? What if He's Yahweh and Elohim and Jesus but also some other names that sound so blasphemous to our Christian ears? What if? What does that say for worship and who we worship? I would hope nothing inherently bad but I'm afraid the implications are such, at least in a Christian context.
...I just feel so torn. What do I need to believe but love, and to let love show me what is beneficial to believe? I'll let my heart do the talking and I'll keep on walking without the shame and guilt and fear trips. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming. What do we do, we swim!
Children got the deal doooooowwwnnn.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Doctrine of Sin Is Basically a Joke

Now that I've said what I feel plainly, I want to explain.
First of all, here's the backstory...
In my theology class, we've been discussing various parts of the traditional "doctrines" like God and who He is, His attributes, etc. We just finished on the image of God and are now moving on to sin in a few days here. I have had quite a lot of trouble trying to fully explain myself because of this here doctrine. I thought my problem was going to be with the doctrine of Christ/atonement, but that's only part of it. To be honest, I'm sort of dreading talking about sin for the next however many long weeks, 4 days a week. I read up on what our textbooks have to say and I'm pretty sure we're just going to stay within those. To be honest, it doesn't seem to me like anyone has yet to believe that sin isn't this big issue or a part of our nature.
What brought about this musing is how I felt today. I had this nagging almost depressing feeling come over me and, as I've been trained to do, I started thinking about the music I've been listening to, the people I've been hanging around on my own, and the teachers I've been following because I resonate with them in my heart. I began by coming against my very self and that's when I knew...something isn't right here. I feel as if my environment is always looking inward, too, attaching every single mistake they've ever done to themselves as a pattern of life. And not only to themselves but all of humanity! I find this entirely disconcerting!
I've been thinking about what some of the thoughts I was reading are about sin, and how I feel my professor might go about it. One in particular that did stick out to me was that sin involves community, and the tearing up of it. Knowing my professor to be big on community, I assume he will probably lean more towards this understanding (not that he will enforce it on us, but I assume he will favor it). Part of me likes that because at least it's not AS focused on our own shame, but then I suppose it is. I assume it means something like one of us messes up and everyone feels it so we should guilt ourselves into never messing up and guilt ourselves into confession and repentance and guilt ourselves into feeling what other people feel and guilt ourselves into forgiveness.
I hate guilt. I hate shame even more. I hate fear. Don't you?
So why do we sympathize with it so dang much? Why do we attach it to our identities? Because the Bible seems to say so? Gag! Why should any book be an external authority by which we dictate our lives? Does not Scripture itself even say that God writes the law on our hearts (our sense of morality/ethics/just being ourselves really in relation to God and others)? Doesn't Jesus come to "fulfill" the law...or better yet, to show that He IS the law? Loving people that aren't getting loved and yet loving the self-righteous, too? God is love and since when did He ever stop loving us? Since when did He ever change His mind about us as "very good"? Why do we think we MUST conceive of a God that reigns down justice in the name of love? Because the Bible seems to say so? Circular reasoning. How do we know what love is? Because the Bible tells us so? No, because we EXPERIENCE it. No book can ever tell you what love is in its entirety. No words can. Maybe there are words...maybe they sound like...Y...H...W...H...Jesus...God...Father/Papa...Mother/Mama...Brother/Sister...Grandfather/Ancient of Days...Fountain of Youth...Elohim...Creator... Maybe love has nothing to do with Scripture. Maybe it speaks of it but we all know in our hearts that love cannot be summed up like that.
And with our hearts...my main point here to be stated is that I really, really, really don't think our hearts are bad, or evil and wicked beyond all measure. I can EASILY see how that is one man's idea of how he made a mistake and now all of a sudden it's attached to his identity. That seems like the big life question we've all pondered...who am I? Am I good? Of course! Who told you otherwise? Maybe Adam got too close to his feelings of loneliness and instead of learning from his mistake, humanity picked up on it and said "hey! that's how i feel too! we must all have something about us that is this way! at least i'm not alone in that!" How sad, that humanity feels they can only relate to each other based on their problems. We long for more, do we not? We long to know that the whole earth loves us. We long to live in fullness of community. And I argue that sin does not separate us from that, but only in our minds. What if, like I've said, we just romanticized those feelings of guilt and superimposed these pagan ideas of how gods are angry and all onto the real God, forcing Him to relate to us through sacrifice--which, later on we find out He hates! (I argue not because our hearts are evil, but because we refuse to just rest and trust in Papa to show us Himself and therefore us)--and murdered our very image because we'd gotten soooo far out of hand with our mistaken beliefs? What if that mistake wasn't a big deal, originally at least, and it just escalated sooo out of proportion that God planned Christ to come? Maybe He knew we'd sacrifice Him, maybe He didn't...I don't know. But does it really matter? It doesn't change "my faith"...does it yours, I mean really? Maybe He did know but worked with us where we were, trying to change our minds, and when we wouldn't, He offered Himself up and said "look...here, at what I just accomplished...you just killed both Me and yourself...and yet I forgive you ("Father, forgive them for they know not what they do..."). there is absolutely nothing that can or will EVER separate us...I prayed for our oneness to be realized between You and me and in community with the whole earth...you never lost it...you only thought you did...I did to bring healing to your troubled mind that was never set to wander...you only thought it was and I give you so much freedom to learn and create worlds for yourself...I'd like you to rest in the one I made and to let me show you how to be yourself because you are Me...we are Gods/gods...I wanted to share in this divine nature with you...I love you my child...beloved..."
So,
Since when has sin EVER been a problem for Papa? Since when have we EVER been disgusting to Him? Since when?
If you're reading this, I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE to discuss this with you. I'm not afraid if you're not afraid. Thank you.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Journal 41--Thank You!

So the past few days have been really interesting for me. Really the past semester/past few weeks to be honest. I've been so frustrated with my Systematic Theology class. In part, because it just requires so much work on top of my five other classes of work. Lesson learned: Never take 3 Bible classes and 17 credit hours in one semester. Worst.Idea.Ever. Haha.
But what's really frustrated me recently is what I posted in my last post about the Bible. To clarify, I've settled on believing yes, the Bible doesn't have to be inerrant or infallible, but I'm not opposed to it being so. I just don't like the idea of worshiping it or turning to it to solve all our problems as the power of God lies anywhere but in His beloved children that He wishes to share in fellowship with. And I'm tired of cowering behind it, when I'm really cowering behind someone else's poopy thoughts.
And that's just it. I've been frustrated with how my beliefs just don't seem to add up with others sometimes. I know they probably do more than I realize, but it's still saddening. I feel like I can't tell my fellow Christians that the doctrine of sin is a joke, and the doctrine of eschatology is sort of a joke, too. Specifically, the idea that we are filthy rags and that grace is dependent on our being filthy rags, at least in some sense because Christ didn't truly finish anything (I'd say reveal anything about who we've been since forever) and we now have to wait for Him to return to be our true selves. I remember thinking that sounded plain enough, but not it just sounds silly/ridiculous to me. How can I not be who I've always wanted to be? How can a good Father ever be so concerned with His own sense of morality that He can't let me be, the me He conceived? How can a good Father EVER change His mind about me? And that's what I just can't understand...that the church contests that we have grace which is everything. Which don't get me wrong, it is. But it leaves God with always changing His mind, as if I'm never allowed to question it. What kind of good Father would need me to quit questioning His love? In the realest reality, I don't need to, but it's perfectly okay if I do. There's a lot of spiritual abuse going around and honestly, I think it's been to protect our sense of control. And we like to say we need to get rid of it yada yada yada, but in the depth of how people are feeling about themselves, they're really just trying to convince themselves that that's not what they're doing, calling anyone who truly disagrees outside some form of their thinking (not variations of their thoughts, actual disagreements) a heretic. I just sense sooo much fear from my fellow friends that are Christians. They're soo afraid of being irreverent to God, as if that's really what He requires. What if the "reverence" of the Old Testament was really just our pagan ideas of what gods are like, superimposed on to who God is? That's why Jesus makes so much sense as loving in the New Testament, but not in the Old Testament. How can God have a change in mind? To me, how can worship have anything to do with sacrifice? Maybe of the old self but even then, He doesn't care. He accepts us right where we are. He doesn't care nearly as much as we think He does, I think. There's so much beauty in just resting in who He is and not making this all about logic, theologians. Rest in His love and let that speak enough, theologians. Let your heart do all the interpreting. I promise it's not bad. This isn't a doctrine, like a new one. This is truly the life you've always wanted and had this whole time. Breathe. Ahhhhhh. Beauty is all around you and in you! Breathe it in! Breathe it in! Smile with no fear! Your Papa loooooves you! Soooo soo much! Mmmmmmmmm, looooove
Love is all we have and need
Theology is not to argue. It is the mystery of the times being unveiled and our rest in the fact that the universe knows it's own answers to it's questioning.
The heart remembers more than the head tries to forget. And the heart releases healing when the head forgets important things, and then the head remembers it's okay to forget and not hold on because the heart holds us together. Therein love interprets logic, for love is logic itself. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for dwelling there and reminding me of who I am.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Bible: Inerrant? Infallible? Or None of the Above?

I'll be bluntly honest here: I've been pissed lately. I've been so beyond mad about some things, some theological things, some actions Christians take because they bow down to "theology." Some really, quite frankly, shitty beliefs. In part, it has manifested in me being particularly judgmental towards Christians and I've decided that I just don't want to be called a Christian because of this: it is predominantly associated with "a special" or "chosen people," descendants of Israel and those grafted in (Gentiles, etc). I believe in ALL OF HUMANITY and I believe in love and I'm so beyond tired of not being able to say that for fear of my beliefs being attacked by, you guessed it, Christians--the one people group humanity is "supposed" to count on to show love because they preach it "enough" (but not really...holiness schpeels, righteousness moves, holier-than-thou complexes, mega churches with no purpose, endless holy wars between denominations and other religions, guilt, shame, fear, every negative thing that's not supposed to happen typically finding Christians first to express itself...ya know, the whole thing). So here humanity, friends, readers of this blog. Here's Martina's raw thoughts about stuff I'm not supposed to have my own thoughts about, or at least not supposed to conclude like this.

I don't believe the Bible is infallible. I don't believe the Bible is inerrant.
I know I said I wanted to state my beliefs outright and I do. However, I would really appreciate it if these statements 1) didn't offend you enough for you to stop reading this blog post cause that's just lame and 2) didn't stunt you in thinking that you either know exactly what I'm going to say and know exactly what I mean, based on Christian assumption, or that they are instantly a complete summary of what I'm working through. Please don't ever assume that my statements mean I have everything figured out because I don't. But please don't also assume that you remotely do either. There, now can we begin on level playing grounds? Thank you.

With these statements said, let me also clarify what I believe about sin.
I don't believe it's a real threat to our persons as humanity. I DO NOT think it is our nature. In fact I think that's the dumbest thing anyone could ever be taught, that their very existence works against them and they then have to go on this rabbit trail around pleasing an angry God...but wait, there's hope in Jesus because now God's less apt to gag when He looks at you...ya know, that whole BS story. [Let me just say here that I love people, but I HATE certain trains of thought like this. Most people WANT me to judge them based on these ideologies and I admit that when they ask for it, it's difficult not to give them what they want when I'm in a bad mood. But I STILL LOVE YOU AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE. YOU DO.] I believe sin is an exploitation against our inherent, divine, royal, like-God natures. I believe Adam and Eve were duped by a bad train of thought. I won't go in to detail, but right now, I believe Adam had a history of creating with God. I believe he got confused about his lack of having a partner in life and interpreted that as actually being alone and maybe romanticized that feeling too much and became its friend, attaching the snake with that kind of lying, thieving identity. In that, I also have quite a hard time believing Satan is real either. Long story for later.
At any rate, I think we're all SO GOOD and SO BEAUTIFUL and we don't have to try to prove that to anyone, ESPECIALLY God/The Father. Jesus came to show us/remind us of who we are by living it out. Scripture itself in Luke talks about how God called us "gods" (read Psalm 82...and no, I don't think that's talking about angels or some false idea we had of ourselves...I literally think God likes us enough to give us His actual image and being called a god is pretty stinking awesome and not prideful at all! It's the highest form of royalty and preciousness!!!). In that passage, Jesus refers to Psalm 82 and tells the people they shouldn't have problems with Him claiming Himself a son of God (thereby making Him one with God, or claiming to be God) because they were called gods. We are one with God and that's not an eschatological reality/future thing that's gonna happen. We're one now and just as a husband and wife grow closer in knowing each other, the same beautiful freedom is bestowed upon us. How beautiful, lovely, and fair!!!
Alllll this to say a few words about what I think of Scripture. I don't think it's inerrant or infallible because I don't believe it needs to be. I believe the messing up that happened with Adam in his mind was completely okay to Papa! I believe that perhaps He created a world where mistakes are not a bad thing at all! Maybe they're just the beauty and freedom in creating--more and more revelation and learning! And that's sounds so creatively cool to me! Like a child learning the art of living and breathing. So beautiful. Scripture can be applied in the same light. It doesn't need to "fall from heaven," it doesn't need to be 100% correct, it doesn't need to say all the right words and have all the answers to life. That sounds like Jesus to me, not Scripture. Scripture can be errant and fallible because let's face it people, men wrote it. And absolutely nothing against them, but have not we all been figuring this thing out about life's deepest meanings since, well, forever? In the Old Testament, who's to say they didn't superimpose pagan ideas of an angry god onto Yahweh, the real God? Who's to say they didn't demand sacrifice systems from God? Who's to say they didn't misinterpret God's voice in the Law? Who's to say they didn't add laws that had no purpose? Who's to say they didn't get what we think is so important wrong? I don't think the Law was set up to "point us to the end of us" or to point to Jesus even. I believe we demanded God relate to us that way and made up all this crap about His character. That's why you see His love unraveling more and more throughout Scripture until Jesus--He's been pursuing us relentlessly because He loves His babies!!! And sometimes we remember/get it! Jesus was the final say about what God feels about us--that is unconditional love. Because the very image of God, the very image of US, died because we demanded He did. Just like the sacrifice of the Old Testament, only this time we marred and bruised and killed God, who is us/our nature/our very make-up/our very image in a completely dependent and passive marriage of action with Him (I do not here assert that we are actually God, in the sense that the concept of God is made up and we are actually just dependent on ourselves). We couldn't handle the fact that Jesus claimed us as gods and loved us and hated our religious ideals but not us. So we killed Him. And if we would have known what He represented, we wouldn't have killed ourselves! Or God!
And then there's the little nit-picky verses that people will declare against what I'm saying and I'm so fed up with that. What if the apostles got stuff wrong? Or better yet, what if we translated what they were saying about the real message of the Gospel (revealing who we are) in a twisted way because we picked those religious ideals back up? What if there's some serious stuff wrong in Scripture? What if we did add junk that wasn't there? What does it affect? I would hope nothing but we're so caught up in it being our ultimate authority, worshiping it, laying with it, singing it, quoting it, memorizing it, reciting it over our problems as if the verses are more anointed than our very selves...it's absolutely asinine. If my one or major reason for belief in God/the Father/Jesus is because of a book, I'm screwed when it comes down to real life problems. I'll cower and hide behind my Christian religion and never truly be fulfilled, only trick myself into thinking I am because I define myself by how well I'm doing as a Christian (based on how much I pray, read my Bible, attend church, and forcibly tolerate people I really don't like). All this not realizing my identity lies in my heart, where the Holy Spirit, the conviction I have about loving people because I'm MADE IN LOVE and everyone knows love is good, UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED OTHERWISE. AHEM.
I leave you on this thought. Ponder this question: If you could not use Scripture or any other ministry, tradition, or something you've heard someone else say (especially another Christian) as your reasoning, what reason would you give for your beliefs?
Thank you for your time. Sorry/not sorry that this may have offended you. I STILL LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. No arguments!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Thoughts on School

I don't believe in academia.
Arguments won't save me. Maneuvering through logic and reasoning won't save me.
I live by my heart and nothing else. My heart is the most wise person of the universe.
I don't give a rip about words.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Am I An Introvert? Am I Afraid?

Today in one of my classes, I finally piped up about something I felt passionate about. Let me tell you, reader, I have never done this in the entirety of my existence. Sure, I've shared passion amongst friends and such but never in a class setting. Honestly, I'm an introvert. Not the hardcore kind that is always secluded and socially anxious. No, I'm an introvert in two particular ways: I need alone time, it's precious to me. And I have to have time to process my thoughts. Period. I'm not much of an external processor UNLESS I am particularly close to you and you know where I stand with the heart of Jesus. Only a HANDFUL of people in my life do and I'm completely okay with that. I don't enjoy being a totally open book to everyone I meet--I don't think it's healthy and it's just not beneficial to me or anyone else. For these reasons, I don't share in class much because I'm usually trying to figure out what the heck I think about things before I say anything. I hate giving half-butt answers for the sake of participating. That has no value for me personally but it's cool if it does for others. Really! It's just not my thing and I've come to terms with that. I've done the whole shaming thing and tried to tell myself I'm just afraid of sharing. In part, I am afraid of sharing, but it's not simply because I'm socially anxious. It's because if I don't see a point in sharing, I'm not going to. If what I say isn't going to bring me closer to the people around me, if it's not going to benefit my thought process, if it's not going to help us gain understanding I see absolutely no point in sharing.
Today, however, I did share an impassioned thought on something. I did this knowing that the person next to me probably wasn't going to like or agree with what I was saying. They didn't rebut or anything, I just got that vibe based on body language and past thoughts they had shared that would counteract my thoughts. And honestly, it's bothered me all day. Knowing that this person feels the way they do. I'm more than willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's just hard because I've been where they are, BELIEVE ME, and it's such an unhealthy way to think about things in my opinion. So now knowing that I've shared something so deep in my heart in a place where someone finally disagrees with me (normally this thought wouldn't be a point of disagreement). It's scary, it's daunting, I sort of regret sharing my thoughts because it's easier to keep them to myself and share them at other times. But I did nonetheless and I cannot take them back, only either continue to ascribe to them, tweak them, or drop them. And that's the beauty of what I've learned today. That sharing something DOES NOT mean it defines who I am in my belief systems. It defines nothing really. It only speaks of what I'm feeling in that moment. And there is the beauty of living, friends. I will continue to share as I feel (which probably won't be much like this cause it's just not my style) so inclined because I am awesome and my feelings do matter. Take me or leave me world, but you need me. Just because we're friends in Jesus and we love each other so much! Haha take that, "unloved" ones! YOU'RE SO LOVED!!!! And I don't care if you don't believe me. I'll just have to show you with my words. :)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Tips For Thriving This Semester

So lately, I've been super busy. Like, kinda of annoyingly busy. It's caused me to almost melt down a few times and it started creeping up again this morning. I've been frustrated because while I really don't mind lists and the practicality of them, I also miss the spontaneity of living life with people. I'm learning and figuring this out...But at any rate, I felt like making a list of ways to keep myself personally healthy was mega appropriate. I felt like sharing them on here just because I wonder if this could help anyone with the same dilemma (upper-classmen? future upper-classmen? busy people?). So without further ado, here goes (PS, specific names and places have been left out to maintain confidentiality):

-Plan out my weekly schedule; class times, homework, lunch, meetings, miscellaneous needs, free time (social time? Who to see?)
-Remember that it is only just one semester and there are no guarantees that next semester will be remotely the same; peace with now and later
-Praise Jesus for a few minutes when I wake up and also in the shower
-Don't listen to music on way to class all the time; be smart about timing (don't miss out on seeing people I know; pay attention to who I usually see when and be intentional about seeing them)
-Talk to Jesus about my schoolwork/homework (e.g. What do You think about this? How does this fit into what I know about Your grace and love for me and the world? How does this fit into what I'm learning over here [in this other subject or in life]? How does this effect what You have in mind for me ministry-wise? How does this effect my relationships?)
-Listen to lots of new music and get excited about future ministry! (Possibly implementing those ideas in a church or just going for it in a band! The possibilities are truly endless!)
-Hang out and have fun with Jesus later in the day (aka get stuff done early in the day and don't worry about it--just do)
-Write poems about how I feel. They will be later inspiration.
-Call mom once a week; Text sister once a week; email grandpa every 2 weeks; text dad once a month
-Settle into my internship placement neatly
-Have my own thoughts and offer them in classes
-Text/call boyfriend often; pray for him; write/share my heart for him
-See certain friend once a week (pick a normal day?)
-Meet with certain friend once a week or every 2 weeks
-Try to talk to certain potential mentor every week or 2 weeks if better
-Hang with close friend often and listen to friend (opens up doors for opening up and sharing/being honest)
-Go to chapel and be myself at all costs
-Go to old floor's floor worships every 2 weeks (support, be encouraged)
-Attitude of gratitude before anything else
-Blog my thoughts/share them on Facebook
-Go to hall's events
-Go to church regularly and don't freak out about getting involved unless it feels right
-Try to only go home every 3 weeks/once a month
-Help out at certain church's ministry joyfully
-Play my music out in the community when I think I can and invite friends to come
-Let people pursue me when they want to (in that way share my beauty)
-Lunch date with people who want to hang that aren't already in the big picture (on these specific days that I have available)
-Lather, rinse, repeat

Yes, it's long. But boy, does it put things in perspective! Enjoy if you so choose. :)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

On Silence As Anticipation

If we...would only just listen to the silence...more often than not...we'd stop filling the seemingly empty airs with all these words that don't even matter. I...will call You Silence Man from now on. I...am not anywhere else but with You...here...in the breaths...in the breathing...of...our every...breath...to...gether. It is...the art...of love...being made...over...and over...again. It...is nothing...for of the peace of man there is not. There...is only...You...You...stripped...peeled...open...where...the...fullness...of humanity...is laid...there,...bare...naked.
I...like...the silence.
I...am...the silence. I...AM...the silence.
There's...so...much...to...be...contemplated...in...the silence.
All...that is...All that ever...was...is...birthed...again...and...again...in...the silence.
If...not...then...only...in...death.
Beauty...will...forever...be...rebirthed...again...and again...in the silence.
You...love...miracles.
You...love...wonder...simply...because...it...is...
There...is...an...excitement...in...being...still...
Anticipation...stands...and....remains/rebuilds

Monday, August 26, 2013

Journal 40

So I'm back for a third year and thank God, last year, of college. I feel like I've grown so much this summer that I'm just ready to be doing life ministry and moving on from here. But alas, here I am. Sitting in my room at school, blogging about school. Eh.
I am excited about what Jesus is going to show me this year. He keeps reassuring me that He has a lot of amazing gifts for me. And that's super cool! Especially since I feel like so many people here are all about "what crazy thing is God going to make me give up this year?" or "how am I going to become more holy?" and striving working dumb stuff. So for Him to just be like "yeah, gifts, wud up" is like "woo! I just get to open them! cool!!!!" Hahaha. So all in all it ends up being good.
There's just so much change this time around. All I feel like I'll be doing is nerding out constantly. Reading and writing papers. And getting some worship leading in there. I'll like that but it'll also be frustrating because I know I'm gonna disagree with quite a few things that are taught or thought about. But whatever. Confidence revealer! Hahaha.
I'm in a new dorm that's way different than last year. It's way quieter. I don't know how much I really like that because I was in a quiet dorm my first year and it wasn't all that great. Of course I didn't realize that until after the fact but yeah. Last year's dorm was completely perfect  for me so now reverting back to a place that doesn't fit my personality is weird. But me being super busy all the time I feel like will offset that. So it works out.
I've been super upset about leaving my boyfriend and family the past two days. And it is what it is. Just figuring everything out and that takes time.
But I'm stoked to have my mind blown and am just ready to get the flow going again! Woo! Go Jesus for loving me so closely and unconditionally, for wrecking me with your grace, for always being for me from the very foundations of the earth, and for rocking my mind and theology cause I have Yo mind. Baboom shakalaka. Hehehe. I love You so much, Lover of my soul. You're the least boring Person ever. I heart You.
Onward to homework now I suppose.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Journal 39

Alright. So.
So much has happened since I last wrote on here. Let's see.
I've spent most of my time hanging out with family and loving on them and being there for them and comforting and encouraging them. That's a complete learning process. And the Lord blessed it at the foundations of the earth, so I'm just revealing where His healing love is in all that. Awesome sauce.
I've started dating the most amazing boy in the entire universe. He just rules. Be jealous. But not really. Be happy. Hahaha. He's the best representation of Jesus I know, my best friend, my favorite person to adventure with in all ways and just everything from here to the moon. Woot! Go Trinity for setting that up! Lolz. I've learned sooooo much from him, it blows my MIND every single day. I'm truly incredibly blessed and I like that. :) To infinity and beyond!
I've been attending a group of lovers of Jesus this summer. I've got to see one of my favorite people while there and built more relationship with her. She's the best. Go Jesus for setting up knowing her, too! Haha.
I've been getting more into math rock and exploring its history and such because I'm a nerd and I love telling my boyfriend and anyone who's willing to listen all about what I'm discovering. I love digging up facts and histories of unpopular music. It's so much fun and cool in my book. It rules.
And Jesus is just being so good to me. He's revealing soooo much healing in me and that rules entirely so much. He's the best first love ever! Gosh...I'm so glad I've fallen in love with Him first. Wouldn't have it any other way. :)

So with that, be encouraged Body! All of humanity I mean! Hahaha. Giggle a little; it's good for your spirits. :)

Monday, July 15, 2013

Journal 38

So...Jesus wants me to contemplate His mystery this morning. Hahaha. How sweet a thing to do! He makes me smile a whole lot because He's so precious and gentle and sweet and understanding and passionate and loving and AWESOME. He is the greatest of all Romancers! Hahaha! That's soo good! Lol.
I can see that now more than ever now. His love for me as a girl is so intimately wrapped up in my identity in Him, it's soooo crazyyyy. Gosh. Wuuut.
There is SERIOUSLY sooo much WHACK on being a girl. For realzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It's so insane, but so sane. Hahaha.
So Jesus, this morning I contemplate how freaking amazing it is being a human girl. Ahhhhh. That's sooo crazy!!! I can feel Your heartbeat just pulsing for me to know You as You know me. Ahahaha. Sooo good and righteous You are! Lol! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, la romance. Adventure. Beauty. YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
:)
I just want to smile all day now. I think I will. Hahahahaha.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Thoughts

There's a lot that's been on my mind lately about God. I've been revisiting His existence and just general arguments about the core of our existence, too. It's been really quite interesting, honestly.
In all of that, I've realized a few very important things.
One: Hope is one the most powerful forces ever. So many people give it up and live in fear in tons of ways.
Two: Man is responsible for his actions, not the will of God (per se...still unpacking it...).
Three: Man creates a whole heck of a lot of garbage philosophies and religions to try to cope with the way things really aren't at their core. Because he gave up hope and quit believing what God believed about His beautiful creation that He called good when He made them with His Word that is final and never changing.
Four: Man is truly one with God. Not that we are God in a completely dependent on ourselves, self-sufficient way, but in a completely dependent on God passively and moving in freedom of marriage with Him.
Five: That which brings about paranoia, lack of awe and thought, fear, and robot-like following (in ANY context, even that which I cannot yet see) in my life is not worth believing.
Thus, I still believe in God because I believe in His goodness and our goodness. I haven't given up on humanity and I'm not trying to change that which is already good. I'm not insane.

BEING HUMAN IS AWESOME

Monday, May 6, 2013

Thoughts For Today

I have a lot of religious friends.
And sometimes they really anger me.
Now I know why Jesus flipped over tables.
A few words: religion, hatred, negativity, self-righteousness
Of course people are self-righteous because they don't believe they can be all the way, perfectly righteous without doing anything.
Hahahahaah
Oh...olive glory
I love olive the glory, olive it

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Journal 37

Hey Papa.
I'm having a really hard time with this new journey You have on in receiving Your love for me as my Papa. I hear You echoing such sweet things about me, but they're too close for me to believe them about myself. I get You/Jesus as my Lover, I get that. I can accept that. But as my Father? What the heck do You see in me? I get the whole Jesus mirroring me thing. Totally. But what about just You? I sense that You are really the Trinity here and Your love for me as the Father is just as intimately wrapped up in that. There's something blocking me, like some saloon doors that need to be opened, haha.
I said, "Papa, I know You're here, but I'm not sure where. What have I done?"
You said, "Nothing, Dear. I've just shown you (some of the) width and height of My love. Now I want to show you My depths."
So I said, "Echo, echo."
Then You said, "Let go."
Of what? My lack of trust? My lack of trust. My lack of doing things for myself. My lack of becoming my own male figure. My lack of being my own dad. Oh, what I can't do for myself anymore when I learn to trust You, hahaha. Man...oh, Son of Man! This is hard!!! Hahaha. I certainly need You to sooo remind me allllll the timeeeeeeee with this one. Like, every second of every day or I certainly forget it all. Help me, Papa, ohhhh, help me. Hehehe.
I do know that I can giggle and You seem to love it.
Hahahaha. What a good Papa. :)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Journal 36

Wow. It's been awhile, haha. I'm quite proud of myself, hahaha. Just cause I can be.
Lol.
Dang....
I've just been learning so much about freedom and what that really means. I've received revelation and I believe it's been confirmed that freedom is being TOTALLY free. Not at ALL bound by ANYTHING. Implying, I do not have a sin nature anymore and I am not prone to wander. I never really was, I just thought I was, or at least intuitively learned it from others that that was how I was supposed to act (however subconcious, your subconcious is some powerful stuff). But I've learned that freedom is in fact a license to sin because freedom is grace. How can grace not be a license to sin, because if it's not then that means it won't be around when you do! Haha! There's sooo much freedom on that! Freedom is freedom because it enables you to fail miserably or to do stupendously. Either way, it's there for you. It's your hero, hehe. It's your everything. We don't get or obtain freedom. Our whole lives are freedom, hehehe! We are infinite! Again, I say it!
WE ARE INFINITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhhh... so much happiness manifesting right now everywhere. Just lookkkkkkk and soakkkk ka ka kaa ka ka

Dang, Daddy
I so love You a whole bunch and I love screaming it to the whole world! I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love!!!! ahahahaha!!! You make me laugh so hard because all my friends wanna know how I'm doing. I tell them awesome because You're just amazing and my HUSBAND. And then they giggle and pretend they understand. I mean, they do, but they've forgotten over time. So I remind them and it seems so weird and foreign to them to just be sooooo in love with You because You are and we are and I am and we are one!! That's enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bahahaha, so gooooooooood, Jesus!!! Wahooo! Woop!!! Water balloons cause we can. :)
lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Happiness :)

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Journal 35

So...
I'm purposefully going to go out of my way to make this as vague as possible. I really just wanna have this as a little milestone in my life. Something I can look back on and be cooled out by/about.
I think a lot of what I used to expect in life is manifesting because I'm now seeing it's true reality in Jesus' eyes. I'm learning to live fully by my feelings/heart (because it pumps so beautifully...it's JESUS!) and not stay stuck in my head all the time. With that being said, there's something really awesome and lovely that Jesus is working in my life that I'm just pumped about because I can see myself...old Martina, present Martina, AND future Martina wrapped up in this in a completely healthy and beneficial way. Never have I ever seen anything like this. I am baffled, taken aback, but super stoked because Holy Spirit is so dang good all the time.
Dang good You are, Jesus!

On a lesser vague note,
A band that I used to be hardcore into has disappointed me lately. I am currently catching up on what they've been doing and how they're all doing. My heart's a little broken for what's happened to them and how they're viewing things, but ya know? I know that my prayers are comfort to them. Hahahahaha....God...You're so good, hahahahahahaahaha. Hehehe. Oh man...Oh, son of Man! Hahaha! Gosh...I just love so stinkin' much the way that You romance me all the time. Hehehehahahaha. Lolol.
Anyways....ahahaahaha....in all of it, my past is starting to make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me now and I'm learning to really be okay with it. It's okay to have my regrets...like, wish I did something different without feeling ashamed...just learning but being okay with my mistakes...and having them come full circle in a healthy way. Like, I'm learning how to take my old habits or whatever, dig deep and see what was really going on there, yank it out, and then display it from my heart for my world to see. Heahaha, it's so good. I'm so glad that I don't have to attempt to not be myself, even as this band would say. I'm so glad that I don't have to live in this tension between my head and my soul. I just love what God can teach me through people and music and experiences and Himself in that. Oh, wow. Hahaha. I just....absolutely love what You're doing in my life. Even when I get all messed up and stuff. With confusion and gunk. But nope, You're right here. Like nothing ever happened.
Maybe it never really did in a detrimental way that had enough significance to matter much in the big scheme of things.

I'm gonna write a story one day.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Journal 34

Been awhile, understandably...lots has happened with me emotionally. I feel like I've gone back to square one in my relationship with God as my Daddy, and that's really okay! Haha. It's good! Had a nice long conversation with Him today and He's so good.
But today, I stumbled across an old fanfiction that I emailed between a friend. I'm actually really glad I read it because I can totally see where I was then. It's crazy how much my old stories reveal about what I was thinking, what I was feeling, who I was trying to please, etc. Crazy, hahaha. The really cool thing, though, was the beauty that I saw coming out of me, even though I totally didn't feel beautiful at that time and such. It's so cool. It's so cool, in particular, to see how all that romance that I wrote is totally Jesus 100% and I can expect all the things I wrote about in it in Him. It's so cool. Thank you, romance. I know you've done damage in girl's lives because they typically don't relate it to You, but thanks Holy Spirit for allowing that to be a way of talkin' to me. Hahaha. You're so good. :)
I'm so good. :) Thanks, Jesus, for being my Adam. Haha, the new One. Oh, so holy and beautiful. You're my Man and it's radd. :)
I believe in redemption and I believe in This Story I'm living.
Enjoy your day, glorious child, beautiful Bride. :)

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Journal 33

Hey Jesus. I want to publicly acknowledge You on here. I feel like I haven't in awhile. Like, sat down and had a conversation with You here. It's cool.
Well, today was awesome. You sooo know what You're doing, it's awesome! Haha, You're awesome! Woot woo woo!
God...
I'm so pumped with everything You're doing here on my floor. In my family. In my personal life. It's just so rad. I'm so pumped about what You're doing on this campus.
I thank You that You're WORKING in me! It's so comforting to know that it's nothing I do, really! Haha! I thank You that in You, I can hope and I am free to live and to learn and to make mistakes and to doubt and to have faith. I thank You that I AM faith, hahaha. You're so good. :)
Let Your love be revealed to everyone on my soul right now, hahaha. Let Your love manifest in their lives in crazy ways.
You smell like heaven to me and I smell like heaven to You. Yay :)
Mmmmm...love :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Journal 32

So... I'm gonna stumble through some stuff here.
I used to preach/teach/understand that I should wrestle with God, according to the passage in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with an angel of God. That's still effort, and if I'm honest, I've still been struggling with that by convincing myself that effort is good for me. Yeah yeah, whatever.
So, but, today I was reading in a book about contemplation. I've been reading it off and on as I have time and have felt led. It's so much to think through...or I guess now to stop thinking through...hahaha...let the HS reveal to me over time then! Haha!
But, uhm, he was talking about how contemplation is not philosophy...it's not just metaphysical/imaginative ideas about God that we speculate about or hold Him to even. Because when we do hold Him to them, we're pinning Him down, working (wrestling with Him), and likely constraining Him to a very shallow definition of who He really is. Not that I think thinking about His characteristics is bad...at least we're thinking about Him, haha! But contemplation goes so far beyond thinking, it's crazy and I'm still getting it. It's like, totally in our bellies and totally an experience (I'm maybe stretching the idea slightly far here, but I don't know really how far...). It's not us contemplating what God is like and coming up with ideas about Him, but experiencing Him....woahhhhh, like, wutttt? Experiencing HIM. I've been really frustrated with the whole self-denial gig that everyone's on because I was dead set on it all being about us awakening to how good we really are. Sure, yes! Cool, good things! Better things! But then I've found myself still focusing on me, looking down into my soul and contemplating who I am, instead of who He is, or what He is, or allowing the Holy Spirit to fully have control. To trust for me, to know for me, hahaha. Like, He LIVES in me. Wuuut? Not an imaginary God, not a thought....but a real Person lives in me. Like, I'm pregnant with Jesus, haha. Oh,  man....woah. Woah. Woah. Oh oh oh. I've been asking Him to make Himself more tangible to me because I have felt like I'm dreaming and imagining only. But here He is, real and tangible in me! Wuuuuuuut, freaking what?! He is everything, me. He is me. I am Jesus. He is everything in me. People look at me and see Jesus, I look at them and see Jesus. We are all unique, yes, but only as Him. It's all only Him. It's all only ever been Him. No one else, nothing else, nothing less, nothing more. Allllll just Him. That's crazy.
I'm finding myself returning back to the heart of worship. Not sacrifice per se, but Him. That's it. His desires are mine, not my desires are His. I can't make myself desire what He does, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE! My acknowledgment of them isn't me acknowledging my own soul's desires, but His. They are intertwined, but I don't want to use me me me because it's truly not about me. Not in a self-sacrificial, self-denying way, but as an awakening to Him as my self. He takes over everything about me. I am inebriated. I CANNOT move without Him. All else is really false movement and back to ourselves. I CANNOT MOVE WITHOUT HIM. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING'S IN YOU.
His desires are your desires, so you don't have to try to want what He wants. You already are wanting it. You already crave it. Acknowledge it!
OH MY GOD, reveleation

Sunday, February 24, 2013

No shame.
I've been too busy out exploring the world instead of talking about it.
Haha, oh theories...

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Song of Solomon 1

My paraphrase by section.
Beloved = Martina (me)
Friends = of Beloved (me)
Lover = Jesus

Beloved:
Kiss me, Jesus.
You satisfy me.
You smell good.
I am enveloped by Your scent.
Duh, I love You!
Let us steal away, let us relish in our love!
Let us honeymoon!
It's on!
Our love is so good!

Friends:
We approve cause you are good and satisfy her.

Beloved:
They should praise You, beautiful!
Don't stare at the work they've made me do.
They made me tend to them.
But You--I want Your rest.
Where do You keep Your flock and lay them down to rest?
Why should this be hidden from me?

Sunday, February 17, 2013

A love letter


I wrote this love letter to Jesus on the 15th after seeing a romance movie. I was so high off His love portrayed in it. Personal parts have been taken out as I feel led for discretion's purpose. You may hear about them later. :)

Hey Dearest Jesus,
You're so my love. My one true Love and Lover. I will always love You, no matter what. Sometimes I feel like I don't because the people around me worship a false...worship an ideology and not You. They don't know that You are so lovely and stuff. But I just want You to know, that I always love You and I know what my soul is always singing now, no matter what accusations or thoughts may come against me. I love You, I'm in love with You, totally and utterly. And You are truly the greatest Daddy ever, for real. I'm learning so much from You and it's crazy how much I can. It's so fun knowing You and remembering how stinkin' close we actually are! That's why I love all these romance movies because they remind me of who You are to me. Hero, Savior, Sweetheart, Lovely, Passionate, Graceful, Hopeful, Faithful. Love, oh Love, I want You to know that I will forever love You by Your love, forever and always. Not limited by time... hahaha. :)

You're so good, first Love. God, You're so good. I relish in Your sweet, beautiful love. You love me so much and I know it. I can feel it.
Love, help me to feel it as I lay my head down tonight. To know that You are there with me, laying next me, breathing life on me as tender and sweetly as ever. That Daddy, You stand protecting me. That Holy Spirit, You're still revealing to me and reminding me, keeping me awake at that good 'ol banquet table. Daddy, let my sleep be a continuation of our love dream feast. Let's travel as hippies together, kay? Let's be crazy and adventurous when I rest, kay? Kay. :)
Daddy, let my awakening in the morning be the same. Let me start out finishing our journey. Haha. Let me be reminded of our secret place. Let me feel the cool air, Your warmth, Your embrace, Your morning coffee breath. Hehe. Let me feel Your wind blowing Your love into my arms in the morning.
And Daddy, keep doing what You're already doing throughout the day. Keep reminding me, keep letting me feel Your love, keep me in the shape of Your bosom. Love me, be pleased with me, remind me.
Love, oh love, I want You to know that You're as beautiful as me.
Amen.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Journal 31

There's just so much beautiful change happening right now up in the air and the heavenlies (revelation of them...). There's seriously just all kinds of love manifesting in my life. In just about every way possible that I know of. Haha, it's so good.
I'm refocusing, relearning, not assuming anything, and realizing that I ought to be enjoyed. I'm tired of being pressured to be more "spiritual" or "sanctified" or even to force myself to let God love me. It's all meant to be pressureless because love is not pressure. It's gentle, it is not rude, it is not proud...it is patient and kind. It keeps NO record of the wrong I may do or have done. So right. It's so right. Love, joy, peace. Faith, hope, love. No fear, no guilt, no shame, no pressure. Lovely love. Love that you actually want to be loved by. Why try to make love exist outside of itself? Because we worship a false idol that isn't love. We worship fear, guilt, shame, and pressure because we think those are good motivators. We focus on results and not the journey. When you miss the journey, you miss everything. When you focus on the results, you won't be able to see them correctly. We journey and results flow, but we don't always understand them and we certainly cannot manufacture them in some assembly line of "this is how you do God...I'm right, they're wrong...my way or the highway cause that's what Jesus says..."
Love, Jesus, Love, Jesus. Jesus, Love. Love Jesus. Love Love Love Love Love.
Love, oh Love, I want You to know that You're as beautiful as winter greenery and scenery. You're as beautiful as springtime bird songs. You are beautiful like the summer heat and rain. You are beautiful like the stars that You created. You are beautiful like everything, like all of our dreams, all our of everythings. You whisper sweet everythings into our ears and lay with us. You are passion and You are kindness. You are goodness. You are amazing. You are loved by Your Bride and You are confident of this. You don't ask for more...You awaken us to knowing that we want to give to You what You already gave to us. You want us to realize that You sustain Yourself...we know that even as the Son knows that...You sustain us and everything...You love the Holy Spirit because it's Your personality manifested.
I don't even understand...
woah

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Journal 30

Time for some thoughts here. Two things.
One: It's a new season in my life and I'm stoked for what's ahead and what I'm leaving behind. Puuumped up.
Two: I want to talk about the spirit of the antichrist. I feel like so many people are so afraid of it and think it's just the world being "itself" or something. I've started thinking about it ever since a popular band got called false prophets and the like. And if I'm honest, I was wondering myself if there wasn't a spirit of antichrist present. Looking back, I'm not sure if it's so much that as ignorance. But I wonder... I think the spirit of the antichrist is just that... anti Christ and everything's He did! Anti finished works and grace. It's all self effort, that's all it comes down to. It's pinning ourselves up on the cross and "carrying our own crosses" because we don't understand what He really did for us and how we don't have to do a single thing now. I sense that spirit in a lot of places, too. Like, I'm hanging with Jesus and talking to Him and I can tell that the Jesus these people claim to know they really don't entirely. They fear Him, sure, and stand in awe of Him and love His presence, sure, but they don't know His love and that's everything! They're so Old Testament, hahaha. Ahhhh. I just feel so at peace with knowing this. It saddens me, but I'm peaceful with it all now. It's crazy cool.
I just love being me, chill, relaxed, cool as all get-out, hanging, playing music, reading, nerding out, being me Martina. I love it. Makes me so happy. Anything that squelches that isn't worth my time at all. Bye bye, dead things.
Bye. Grace and peace, love. Bye.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Journal 29

So God...
I'm discovering Your love and pursuit of me as Father in this moment of my life (not restricted by time...so by that I mean, who really knows how long this moment will last...). I realize...I don't really know You...or feel like I could know more, whatever, about You as Father. I want to be pursued by my Father because I lack in experience. Nothing negative here, just honest thoughts. And it's okay! Haha! Everything's okay now. :)
So Daddy...
I realize that I have the mind of Christ and streams of living water flow in my belly...it's just a matter of realizing it. So some words/names I can use to describe You (though I feel they are few and limited...) are here below:
Daddy--You play with me, push me in swings, throw me up in the air, play games with me, watch over me, guide me, give me advice, give me wisdom, show me the world, protect me, talk to boys
Protector--You do anything and everything for me...You already did and now manifest it...woahhhh, I don't know...reveal Your knowledge that's in me, Christ! Remind me of Your safety because I've forgotten in my carnal mind...Let me feel comfortable with You as Dad. Show me love as Father, show me love as daughter. Show me how to be comfortable with You at all times, Daddy

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Journal 28

You are goodness and fullness. All of my life is hidden up in You. You are fullness of joy. Your presence is everywhere. "In Your presence is the fullness of joy." ....Joy is everywhere! Balam!
I thank You that You descended cause that means You ascended. And I thank You that You ascended cause that means You descended. You made the path. You are so much pure pleasure. Hehehe.
Thank Ya, for everything You're doing in my life.
God, I'm so drunk. I can't even think straight.
Uhhh...
Intimacy flows from You.
Shooot,
nope
I just wanna be happy and laugh with people now

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Journal 27

Ahaha. You so good. You so wine. New wine of the grape covenant! Hahaha.
So so in love with You, Lord. Jesus!
You know, I just had a thought...it's one of them soullll thoughts.
At some point, you stop writing for everyone to see and start writing from your soul. Then the world sees. They're blinded otherwise, ahaha. Baha. Baaaaa, said the sheep of the Lord. Hehehe. When the world sees, they either receive their goodness or get ticked and persecute you. Either way, they're really seeing and loving or hating it. Hehehaha.
Just to be with You, God. Hahaha. What a giggly good God You are. GOTCHA! Hahaha.
Lalz
Peace
Resttttttttssssstttttttssss
In Your presence is the fullness of joy. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're seated in joy now. Haha. Your blood cleansed us to joy. Boooooom, psh/............
Cause lovin' You is easy. So so easy. Like the greatest essay ever written, lalalalala, hahaha!
It's nice being enjoyed as You are enjoyed......
Pleasure's forever in Your right hand!! Haha! Sparkity spark spark, ahr har!Bebe
WE AREN'T SEPARATE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wibbowoowwwow!!
redemption sonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng
sign....or sing...it's whatever....
fullnesssss, yes. i say yes to you, fullness. my belllayyy, hey!
pleasure, comfort, all of the things. all of the good things in my belly

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Journal 26

Jesus


I'm inebriated.

There literally aren't words to express this.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Journal 25

So I'm just pumped. I'm just pumped by Jesus. He's the greatest Lover. And it's all so simple. I don't have to conjure up feelings about You, they just are in me. And I can just enjoy them. My love with You is just Your love with me and that's what makes me me. I get to bask in Your embrace, Your sweet, gentle, gracious embrace. You are so gentle. I asked You to remind me of gentleness and You did. There is literally nothing I can ask You for that You won't show me already exists and (can) manifest(s) in my life. You give me everything. You are my everything. You make me feel alive because I am alive. You make me alive. You made me alive.
Dear Lover of my soul,
I love looking into Your eyes (my eyes). I love seeing Your soul reflected in them (my soul). I love how divinely connected we are. I forget sometimes but You always wake me back up. You make me feel alive. You counted me in from the start. You've got me feeling like a child now. You are the pleasure I always had/have as a child (of You). I can remember dancing around the Garden with You. That's my secret place, my favorite part. Favorite not in relation to any others, but favorite as my soul yearns and is fulfilled. Favorite as in untouched, pure desire and passion. Ecstasy. Sweet You rock and sweet You roll. Wow. Fear of You. Bliss that has no words.
When we dance, we manifest Eden/reality. When we sing and play music, we entertain the angels.
Twice I've felt Jesus poke me. It was like a spark.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Journal 24

Hey dearest friends! I'm so glad you're reading this. I'm so glad that Holy Spirit is the character in my life that's willing to preach truth to and through me. Enjoy!
So I was just reading a book about contemplation. I like to call it listening with your soul, doing with your soul, praying with your soul...whatever. Being in touch with Jesus and who is in me, so therefore who I am. And who He is. There's literally no trying in it. Some truths that I got out of this book, though:
Reason and faith (belief) bleed from contemplation. You cannot have real reason without going beyond it. You cannot conjure up faith or belief in anything; you stop. Stop everything and quit trying, not making that a work either.
Contemplation is beyond the five senses and thought. It does not perceive alone through sight...it sees without "seeing" (through your own physical eyes)...it knows without "knowing" (isn't just a thought or some thoughts about something...it does not conjure up thoughts on its own...it stops trying to know and just knows; also not a work).
Contemplation resumes, transcends, and fulfills poetry, music, and art. It transcends them all because it goes beyond them. It fulfills them because they all can make suggestions towards contemplation but can never be contemplation in and of themselves. For example, a poem can never be a means to contemplation in and of itself. One may contemplate through the poem, but not because of the poem. One contemplates because they contemplate. Through the poem, they may see more things without "seeing" and know more things without "knowing." I believe not because of trying, but because of God. Holy Spirit does all the work.
Here's what I'm mulling over: resuming. I'm not entirely sure what that means. Contemplation resumes the arts. Resume. Take off pause. Restart. Start up (again). After stuff has already happened. I'm thinking of a video game being paused after some action and then being resumed, starting up again after action is paused. Action being paused. The arts are birthed from a lack of action. Only after then do they start up again. Only after then do they have any meaning, any hint, any suggestion of contemplation, of seeing without "seeing" and knowing without "knowing." Poetry, music, and art are not an effort or a work. They are a love dream. I am God's poem. I am God's music. I am God's art. A love dream is a dream dreamed out of love. Love is not a work, nor a verb. Love is God. God is God. God is Holy Spirit, God is Jesus. God is...in me, fulfilled, in love with His creation, everything...Love is everything. Love is effortless. I feel so dangerous saying that, but I know it's true because I wasn't trying to see or know. I just was. Fluid thought, fluid contemplation. Love. Ecstasy. Bliss. Blam. Bloom. Blum.
Plums.
Joy
"Your life is full of pure desire; a place so gloriously wired"

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wow, Jesus. I'm just legitimately impressed by all Your work. Your love dream in us, Your accomplishment through the Son, Your love for us...shoot...You were never ever mad. All You've ever done is be completely  in love with Your creation. How sweeeet! I just ONLY want more of Your love and to enjoy that life in everything I live out and manifest. All of life is Yours and held in Your hands...shoot, You ARE life, hahaha! I just wanna manifest You in me and me in You in front of the whole world, forgetting shame and insecurity that accuses me (as my old, dead self is remembered by demons that just won't let go and have nothing better to do than to wreak havoc on humanity by placing them in bondage...). I just want Your love to motivate me to do everything, nothing else absolutely. Nothing else is even a real motive. It is all religion if there's no love. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. PSH, here I go...loving Him loving me. Secret, intimate words spoken that mean the world to me. An intimate, faraway, secret, nearer than my own soul place built and founded on love, birthed on grace. Take me away, Jesus. I haven't been there in so long! Woohoo, coming back! Or realizing I'm already there! Let's dance and run and be indians and have fun!
:D

Journal 23

Show people up in their religion with grace and watch 'em squirm. Religious folk that love the law more than they accept love can't stand it when someone doesn't follow the rules. I adore people who unabashedly chase after pleasure, because it all ends in Him. Run away from religion, have no yoke with it. Love love love. I find my soul saying to people that love pleasure, "dude...God loves you guys...." because He knows that He's king of pleasure and He knows that they'll know, too. Eff you, rules. Eff you, law. Rebellion against self hatred and lovers of the law.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Journal 22

I just praise You, King of Kings, Lord of Lords. I am totally humbled by Your ability, and Your ability even in me. I love that You love all Your children and that came and died for them all (everybody). You've made such beautiful, wonderful people. Some of them are related to me, others best friends, still others acquaintances, and yet others only faces or people I've seen. They're all beautifully made and have been given such sweet hearts all the same. I love what You love. Haha, with Your love.
I love that You love us all so dearly, intimately, and closely. I love how good You are, as a Lover, Father, Brother, Grandpa...you name it, You're the best. I'm pumped to rest in Your physical chest one day. I'm pumped for more of eternity, even tomorrow.
I'm so pumped for where You have me now and even how things have changed so suddenly. I thank You that You're showing me what living outside of circumstances looks like, haha. I thank You so much that You're leading me into gentle, still waters in the green meadow, that Your rod and staff, they comfort me, Good Shepherd. I just love You.
I love how You're everywhere, even when I really don't feel like You are. You know...those religious places...hahahaha...nothing can separate us from You, even crappy religion (unless we choose it til death, or maybe not...). You are just so good, gentle, and full of love. I love seeing parts of You through other people. That's just so beautiful to me. Life wouldn't be nearly as exciting without bits of You in everything everywhere all the time. Wow. Wew. Holy crap, shoot. Jesus. Hehehehe.
My heart has just been so contented today. I haven't smiled a whole ton nor laughed, but I am just so content in my heart with You, Jesus. You are a glorious burden.
I want to spread joy throughout ALL the churches in my lifetime.
LIFE GOAL
I love Love. :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

ENJOY WHERE YOU ARE SEATED (IN THE HEAVENLY REALM)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Journal 21

I am so tempted to just not post journals on here anymore because that last little post is all I want to say to the world. And to Jesus. And to me. Love is truly all you, me, and the world needs.
His gift of Christ is what defines us. I regard NO MAN according to the flesh anymore. They are redeemed. Oh, HAPPY DAY!
I am just so happy right now. His love is sweet and divine. He is so good. My heart is so contented in Him and His love for me and everyone in the world. Oh, sweet child of mine, He says! Haha, You're so sweet, Daddy!
The cool thing is that the other day, I told Him that I wanted Him to encourage me, instead of me trying to do it myself or looking for it. So boom, He did, like He always does. In short, an overwhelmingly positive email was sent about me, my friends have been so incredibly sweet and supportive, and I am so totally pumped and encouraged about this semester with things. He is so good. His love is sweet. You are sweet, Jesus, Lover of my soul. Keeper of my soul. Divine. Mystical. Union. Love. Love. Love.
Love, oh Love, I want You to know that You're as beautiful as the winter snow.
You are too because I am in you and you in Me! -Jesus
:D
Hahahahahaha

Monday, January 21, 2013

I just want to say that God is so good. Love is all we need.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Journal 20

Can I just say that I will officially be 20 years old in a few days? I'll have been alive for two whole decades. Crazy how time flies? Ha, that's why I'm eternal!!! Hahaha! Oh, You, Jesus. Being all good and stuff. :)
Last few days have been alright. Holy Spirit keeps reminding me how totally important it is that I hang with my Lover. I can feel Him so sad when I don't. And it's not a guilt trip thing like it would have been before. It's just that sadness He feels when I decide other lovers or things are better, or even that I can find Him somewhere else besides in me. So I took awhile yesterday to just chill with Him and it was so sweet. He's such a good Lover, really. Everything of mine is held in His hands fully. I just love being happy so much and I hate religion. Soooo much. It makes me confused and depressed because it tells me God is distanced from me if I don't do something for Him. He did all for me already, I just wanna soak in that!!! SO good He is. Glory glory glory, God God God. Look at all that life in Him!!!! I wish more people would smile in church. I'm sick of sad, emotional, or even angry pastors. I want happy pastors again. I want happy worship leaders again. I want happy people again. Says Jesus, every single day. There's sooo much life and we're still stuck on dying. Jesus was crucified, yes, but He was also raised and that means life forever now!!!! Wahoooo!!!! Haha, goodness world....You're all soooo loved. He rose for YOU!!!! Hehe, get on the ride of the life!!!
I really do just long to be happy with people and to bask in pressureless love. That's all I want my life to be about. That's it.
I think this will be all for today. I think I'm gonna practice some temperance here and move on. Love!!! Haha, gloray!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Journal 19

Today was a good day. I felt it's manifestation.
It was just a good day to chill and not do much of anything save hang out with people I love and internet surf and goof around.
A few girls and I got together to talk about Jesus, like 5 of us total I think. We talked about sweet things He's done in our lives, cat devotional reading, and relationships. It was awesome, I love my girls! They're so wonderful and I see what Holy Spirit is doing in the adventure that is their lives. And then three of us went into my room, talked about intimacy, and sang a song together. It was so lovely. I love those unplanned moments so much. When other people just are them in front of me and ask me to join in their party and enjoy what they're doing with them. Absolutely wonderful.
I was just reflecting a moment ago when I was looking at a few posts on my blog here and remembering when I first started this blog, where I was coming from and what my purposes were. I had no real purpose other than to feel like someone somewhere out there would want to read something clever I posted. I was trying and under religion. I remember saying things like "I'd like some readers but I know I don't deserve it," like somehow people shouldn't bother enjoying me, though I want them to. I used to try to be interesting instead of being me and letting people enjoy me for who I am. It seriously is just so much fun being me and doing this. I just hope that one day someone will read this and find it inspiring, me being my honest self and just talking with Jesus and speaking out Holy Spirit's revelation. That's all. I want my life to inspire people to seek pleasure in Daddy God through the Son Jesus by the power and revelation of Crazy Holy Spirit. That's all I really want in life. For my life to be fulllll of pleasure and love and adventure and romance and inspiration so people can read it like an epic adventure story book. And be inspired. Like I am. :)

Thank You, God, for making me like I am. I couldn't be anyone else because I'd be miserable. I know, I've tried. I love who You've made me, I love my soul, I love everything about me. I love Youuuuuuuu! Oh, great massive Lover! Your cross, what a massacre!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehehe, I heart You, Jesus. I long and love for You in alllll of my soul. JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch Alice in Wonderland and read the Hobbit and The New Mystics cause I love them all so much. And probably Your Word. hehe, yes!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I just read an INCREDIBLY religious statement on my Facebook feed. I feel like I'm about to flip a lid, but I'm finally coming down. Works do NOT get you into heaven. You can call it "following" or whatever you will, but only love does anything. You can have all your works, but without love, you're just chaos. Absolute chaos. 

That will be all. I needed to fume.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Is it the simple things that we're meant to enjoy or the big things? Are we meant to enjoy both? Are we meant to enjoy the small, simple things and think about the big things? Are some souls inclined towards simple things and others to big things? Are big and small things really just one and the same?

That's my devotional writing for today, just some questions. I'd like to keep it simple so I will because I like it.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Journal 18

So, I had a ton of thoughts I was thinking and wrestling with earlier in class and I seem to be forgetting them all... hmmm...
Oh! Sin-consciousness. We were talking about virtue and the like. Basically what I took from it was that virtue is meant to go together with faith, like it flows from faith. That's where I stand. And I think that's mostly where C.S. Lewis stands as well, but maybe not entirely, maybe my profs were taking it out of context of his actual thoughts. Not sure, maybe they weren't. But what I was hearing was that if we want a certain character trait, then we need to focus on the virtues...prudence, fortitude, faith, hope, love...etc. I like the "theological" ones, as Lewis calls them. They seem simple enough and totally focused on the cross...hahaha...faith, hope, and love are the cross is about!!! SCANDAL!!! Hehehe. But then where does focusing on prudence come in? Like, I guess thinking about your decisions before you make them. That seems logical and okay to me. Like, I think I'm learning that with decisions, it's so chill. It's not the bulls-eye "gotta figure out God!" bullcrap I've always been fed. Like He hasn't already revealed His will in Christ...I was just reading in Ephesians that He has! It's through the CROSS! My future, my path in life, is revealed in the cross! As I accept more fully the prize, I know more fully my path! Hahaha! SO SCANDALOUS! Ah!!! You can't get intimate with Jesus and His gifts and kiss His dripping lips and dance against His hips and not know yourself, too. He is me, we are together, we are one. Wabam! Haha! So that's my sin-consciousness talk. We can't focus on being better per se because He is our better. The only way, I believe, that we are made better is in our actions being sanctified for others to see and even ourselves to see I guess. Like, it's just a discovery of who we are and us manifesting it. But we CAN'T focus on the manifestation itself, like we can't conjure up the gateway to it (hello spiritual disciplines). Christ is the only gateway, not our own ideas or efforts, not "fake it til you make it."
Seriously guys, this is crazy. I woke up this morning thinking about this stuff, a friend messaged me about this a little, and we talked about it in class, I'm reading a book...HOLY SPIRIT I LOVE YOU!
Everything must flow from the fullness of Christ in us, never focusing on ANYTHING ELSE, no matter how great or good it is. Never in and of itself. Like, I've found myself trying to conjure up rest and trust and drunkenness in Jesus by doing things. Turning to music, movies, video games, Internet, books, etc. to "get filled up in the knowledge." I was still trying to do everything instead of just sitting. I've been asking the Holy Spirit what it is that I need to do, if anything. I was watching a Joseph Prince sermon and he was talking about how our only job is the obedience to faith found in Romans...to believe. I still believe that! But Matt Spinks puts it to mean that it's HIS faith that is my belief. So literally, there's absolutely nothing I can do. I cannot conjure up faith in myself or belief. I just have to come to the end of me and stop doing everything and sit. I'm learning to just look and glance down into my soul like through a kaleidoscope and to see the beauty He has in me and to rest and operate in that, not anyone else's dreams and everything. From there, I think about how I love to reach and love on other people. I'm somewhere in between all of this. All depression comes from me not looking at my soul and letting it praise because it always does.
I keep telling people that all of us has been made new...our thoughts, our souls, our feelings, our wills...Our souls and thoughts for sure. He saved us, gave us free salvation Woooo!!!! and gave us the mind of Christ. I just know that I don't always feel it and don't always want to, ya know? But I think that's all the Spirit that I've been missing...hahahahahahaha. Oh, shoot! We've been given the Spirit of God...His personality...personality manifests itself through the will and feelings...shoot, dude. Literally no excuses now! Ouch, wow!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to do some more research on personality now. I think I shall. Hahahaha. I just love God so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehehe.
:)
Drink the blood straight from My veins!

I'll be back later to edit this with more thoughts. Goodbye for now.

Dude....... I am so getting...seeing the fear of God right now. Soooooo goood.
So personality is defined as "characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behavior that makes one unique." It is consistent in how one perceives things, how they act and react, and how they think. It can be both psychological and biological. It impacts how one behaves and acts. It has multiple expressions: thoughts, feelings, close relationships, etc. It manifests in different styles of thinking, feeling, and acting. It is "patterns, tendencies, inclinations." When we describe personalities in people with words, it's said that we mean extremes in them, describing them in "above average" ways. Also, temperament is our inborn characteristics. Some theories are first type, which is based on different levels of fluids in our body (some have more types of one fluid and another, etc). There is trait theory which is based on our genes. There is psychodynamic theory, which is based on the power of our subconscious  And there is the humanist theory, which is based on free will and one's experience in life shaping them (nature v. nurture, social interactions, behavioral theory, etc).
WOAH DUDEEEEE.
Okay. Uh.
Jesus. God. Holy Spirit. Yes yes yes. His personality in us allll!!!! Hahahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!!
The Spirit that He gave us and the mind of Christ that comes with that...is His characteristics...His thoughts, feelings, and behavior...His actions...His perceptions...His reactions...His proximity to all of humanity...also known as His love for all of us...Ahhhh... He MADE us for this. All philosophy seeks to understand this but misses it because it tries too hard instead of seeing it as it is and seeking the revelation!!! that comes with it, not just the knowledge. Hahaha. Baha. We all have His personality and just express it differently...there are variations of Him because He is sooo fulll...we all have the cake and eat it to and have our very own different icings that capture other parts of Him...specific parts of Him... The reason everything sounds like extremes to us when describing others is because we are all made differently and naturally excel in different areas and I believe that  that is for our revealed paths in life...I am more a thoughts person by far and I use that to analyze, to dream, to imagine, to perceive differently, to be brilliant in that way...etc. Or I mean manifest all of that brilliantness He gave me already!!! To manifest His brilliant mind in my brilliant mind which is His!!! His pleasure is me!!!!!!! Ahahaha!!!! We may get things from our parents because we're in the family. Still don't fully understand that one, but He's given us such awesome intimacy. Our subconscious, I believe, is our souls speaking, and that's why it may influence a lot of things. It's the place in us that salvation stems from...our reality...His love for us...His death and resurrection as power...in unbelievers, they seek this out in all the wrong places just through thoughts and feelings, etc. Their souls cry out and they'll find themselves again through Christ, but right now, they seek through everything but the soul. They don't look at the generator that's asking them questions about life...hahahaha. The humanist theory is bologna in my mind. It's what I'm getting away from. To me, it worships the will and bases everything off what we perceive through everything but our souls...our salvation...His love for us....His death and resurrection as power...His individual expressions in us...manifestations of His love...the icing in us...bahaha!!!
WOW WOW WOW. JESUS I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU FOREVER AND EVER ALWAYS! FREAKING YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend, soak this in and think. Be challenged and be!!!! Hahaha!!!
Behehe!!!
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Done for today. Be back later on this all again....ahohohohohoahehehe. :D

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Journal 17

Guys...
I'm just so pumped on Jesus and His riiiiich grace. I love smiling at Him. I love pleasing Him by resting in Him. I loooove playing music with/for Him. I absolutatotally dooo! Uhhuh.
I just want to get drunk with some people (on Christ that is). Guess I'm gonna have to remind some people...or rather rest in the present work of the Holy Spirit...with obedience to His faith/beliefs. I just want everyone to be happy all the time so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah!!!!!!! Mystical, ecstatic, divine, crazy, mysterious, scandalous, crazy, joy and looooove!!!!!!!! Ah!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!! Lots and lots of smiles all the time now!! Hehehe! Oh, what a Lover we have acquired by His pleasures for us.
Ephesians 1:9 Having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself
Shoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot
He achieved us
.
And Him again
.
He achieved...us and Him again together forever
.
SMILE! You're LOOOVED! Haha!!!!!!!!!!!
God loves community and He loves you for exactly who He made you to be. He's never hated you because He knows who you are and how much He loves.
God loves community and He loves youuuuuu!!! Hehehehehahaha! Get stoned on that truth, friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love because He first loved us....
:))))))))))))))

Monday, January 7, 2013

Journal 16

Alright, so, I'm finally back at HU. It's that J-term lazy time and I have a roommate this time around. Definitely still adjusting but I think it'll all be okay in the end. (:
My J-term class is actually quite boring. It's a class on The Hobbit and I was expecting their to be excitement about an epic journey story, but it's lacking. Disappointment, but alright. Haha, I can do...You can do it through me, Jesus!
I'm listening to Brian Shilts and the High Country River Drinkers and I LOVE it. A part of me just wants to drop out of college and be a total hippie and play venues across the country...through my state...around the world. Just play music, love people, and dance in crazy, ecstatic enjoyment. Ahhhh. Ha, we'll see.
I do feel I should be here, though. I gotta lot to learn. I'm just in that awkward push-and-pull phase, coming out of religion and into Christ and learning how to live around people that, as Matt Spinks would put it, have vacant faces at the banquet table and don't know what's going in heaven in them. I want that for people so bad cause I know Daddy does and He accomplished it! I just want people to be sooo happy and sooo them all the time! Ahh! Like, I don't want other people to live other people's dreams and to be other people. I want to see them for who they really are and to enjoy them for who they are. And I want them to know that they're soooooo loved, just as they are in Christ. That's it. That's evangelism, hahaha. Reminding people of what they've forgotten. I'm soooo done with all the trying and striving and trying to manipulate God out of heaven, like He isn't already here with us, like we're too evil or whatever. PUKE OUT THAT RELIGION. I just love love so much. It's the only motivation for anything I ever want to have.
On the upside! I totally can feel the Holy Spirit revealing confidence in me. Like, I'm starting to really understand who I am, what I like, and who Christ is in His rich grace...ahhhh...it's so free. I just want to love people that I like and love everyone and yeah, GOSPEL!
Revelation of today, though, I received from Ephesians...dude, seriously...every single verse in that letter is soooo full of the glory, seriously. I'm reading it verse by verse as far as I can see the Holy Spirit leading me. I just don't want to lose that sense of awe, ya know? If I lose that, I lose the Gospel, and that's the worst thing to lose ever! But I was reading this verse this morning again...or rather these verses:
To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved
I cried the first time I read that. I find that I need to feel accepted, as everyone else does. It's our nature and it's a good thing! To know, as a truth that Paul understood...that I am accepted in Christ because of Him who is my Lover...that's all I need to know. SO GLORIOUS GOOD.
And then...
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace
Dude...seriously...we focus so much on everything else...we say that knowing the Gospel is the basics..not at all....His grace is RICH...there's much to discover about it's mysterious power! NEVER move on!
Mmmmmmmm. I just want that forever and always, Lover. I love You sooooo much. You know me better than I know myself. Haha! SO Good, Lover! I am Your Beloved! Bahaha! Yeah!
I just want everyone to see me as I am and to enjoy me, too. Judgment is gay for everyone. And I don't care how politically incorrect that sounds. Hahaha. I'm using slang, world. This is my blog, I use my words as I see fit/please. It's all good, I promise! Hahaha!
Yay, Jesus!!!