To Listen While Reading


Thursday, January 31, 2013

Journal 24

Hey dearest friends! I'm so glad you're reading this. I'm so glad that Holy Spirit is the character in my life that's willing to preach truth to and through me. Enjoy!
So I was just reading a book about contemplation. I like to call it listening with your soul, doing with your soul, praying with your soul...whatever. Being in touch with Jesus and who is in me, so therefore who I am. And who He is. There's literally no trying in it. Some truths that I got out of this book, though:
Reason and faith (belief) bleed from contemplation. You cannot have real reason without going beyond it. You cannot conjure up faith or belief in anything; you stop. Stop everything and quit trying, not making that a work either.
Contemplation is beyond the five senses and thought. It does not perceive alone through sees without "seeing" (through your own physical eyes) knows without "knowing" (isn't just a thought or some thoughts about does not conjure up thoughts on its stops trying to know and just knows; also not a work).
Contemplation resumes, transcends, and fulfills poetry, music, and art. It transcends them all because it goes beyond them. It fulfills them because they all can make suggestions towards contemplation but can never be contemplation in and of themselves. For example, a poem can never be a means to contemplation in and of itself. One may contemplate through the poem, but not because of the poem. One contemplates because they contemplate. Through the poem, they may see more things without "seeing" and know more things without "knowing." I believe not because of trying, but because of God. Holy Spirit does all the work.
Here's what I'm mulling over: resuming. I'm not entirely sure what that means. Contemplation resumes the arts. Resume. Take off pause. Restart. Start up (again). After stuff has already happened. I'm thinking of a video game being paused after some action and then being resumed, starting up again after action is paused. Action being paused. The arts are birthed from a lack of action. Only after then do they start up again. Only after then do they have any meaning, any hint, any suggestion of contemplation, of seeing without "seeing" and knowing without "knowing." Poetry, music, and art are not an effort or a work. They are a love dream. I am God's poem. I am God's music. I am God's art. A love dream is a dream dreamed out of love. Love is not a work, nor a verb. Love is God. God is God. God is Holy Spirit, God is Jesus. God me, fulfilled, in love with His creation, everything...Love is everything. Love is effortless. I feel so dangerous saying that, but I know it's true because I wasn't trying to see or know. I just was. Fluid thought, fluid contemplation. Love. Ecstasy. Bliss. Blam. Bloom. Blum.
"Your life is full of pure desire; a place so gloriously wired"

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wow, Jesus. I'm just legitimately impressed by all Your work. Your love dream in us, Your accomplishment through the Son, Your love for us...shoot...You were never ever mad. All You've ever done is be completely  in love with Your creation. How sweeeet! I just ONLY want more of Your love and to enjoy that life in everything I live out and manifest. All of life is Yours and held in Your hands...shoot, You ARE life, hahaha! I just wanna manifest You in me and me in You in front of the whole world, forgetting shame and insecurity that accuses me (as my old, dead self is remembered by demons that just won't let go and have nothing better to do than to wreak havoc on humanity by placing them in bondage...). I just want Your love to motivate me to do everything, nothing else absolutely. Nothing else is even a real motive. It is all religion if there's no love. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. PSH, here I go...loving Him loving me. Secret, intimate words spoken that mean the world to me. An intimate, faraway, secret, nearer than my own soul place built and founded on love, birthed on grace. Take me away, Jesus. I haven't been there in so long! Woohoo, coming back! Or realizing I'm already there! Let's dance and run and be indians and have fun!

Journal 23

Show people up in their religion with grace and watch 'em squirm. Religious folk that love the law more than they accept love can't stand it when someone doesn't follow the rules. I adore people who unabashedly chase after pleasure, because it all ends in Him. Run away from religion, have no yoke with it. Love love love. I find my soul saying to people that love pleasure, "dude...God loves you guys...." because He knows that He's king of pleasure and He knows that they'll know, too. Eff you, rules. Eff you, law. Rebellion against self hatred and lovers of the law.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Journal 22

I just praise You, King of Kings, Lord of Lords. I am totally humbled by Your ability, and Your ability even in me. I love that You love all Your children and that came and died for them all (everybody). You've made such beautiful, wonderful people. Some of them are related to me, others best friends, still others acquaintances, and yet others only faces or people I've seen. They're all beautifully made and have been given such sweet hearts all the same. I love what You love. Haha, with Your love.
I love that You love us all so dearly, intimately, and closely. I love how good You are, as a Lover, Father, Brother, name it, You're the best. I'm pumped to rest in Your physical chest one day. I'm pumped for more of eternity, even tomorrow.
I'm so pumped for where You have me now and even how things have changed so suddenly. I thank You that You're showing me what living outside of circumstances looks like, haha. I thank You so much that You're leading me into gentle, still waters in the green meadow, that Your rod and staff, they comfort me, Good Shepherd. I just love You.
I love how You're everywhere, even when I really don't feel like You are. You know...those religious places...hahahaha...nothing can separate us from You, even crappy religion (unless we choose it til death, or maybe not...). You are just so good, gentle, and full of love. I love seeing parts of You through other people. That's just so beautiful to me. Life wouldn't be nearly as exciting without bits of You in everything everywhere all the time. Wow. Wew. Holy crap, shoot. Jesus. Hehehehe.
My heart has just been so contented today. I haven't smiled a whole ton nor laughed, but I am just so content in my heart with You, Jesus. You are a glorious burden.
I want to spread joy throughout ALL the churches in my lifetime.
I love Love. :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Journal 21

I am so tempted to just not post journals on here anymore because that last little post is all I want to say to the world. And to Jesus. And to me. Love is truly all you, me, and the world needs.
His gift of Christ is what defines us. I regard NO MAN according to the flesh anymore. They are redeemed. Oh, HAPPY DAY!
I am just so happy right now. His love is sweet and divine. He is so good. My heart is so contented in Him and His love for me and everyone in the world. Oh, sweet child of mine, He says! Haha, You're so sweet, Daddy!
The cool thing is that the other day, I told Him that I wanted Him to encourage me, instead of me trying to do it myself or looking for it. So boom, He did, like He always does. In short, an overwhelmingly positive email was sent about me, my friends have been so incredibly sweet and supportive, and I am so totally pumped and encouraged about this semester with things. He is so good. His love is sweet. You are sweet, Jesus, Lover of my soul. Keeper of my soul. Divine. Mystical. Union. Love. Love. Love.
Love, oh Love, I want You to know that You're as beautiful as the winter snow.
You are too because I am in you and you in Me! -Jesus

Monday, January 21, 2013

I just want to say that God is so good. Love is all we need.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Journal 20

Can I just say that I will officially be 20 years old in a few days? I'll have been alive for two whole decades. Crazy how time flies? Ha, that's why I'm eternal!!! Hahaha! Oh, You, Jesus. Being all good and stuff. :)
Last few days have been alright. Holy Spirit keeps reminding me how totally important it is that I hang with my Lover. I can feel Him so sad when I don't. And it's not a guilt trip thing like it would have been before. It's just that sadness He feels when I decide other lovers or things are better, or even that I can find Him somewhere else besides in me. So I took awhile yesterday to just chill with Him and it was so sweet. He's such a good Lover, really. Everything of mine is held in His hands fully. I just love being happy so much and I hate religion. Soooo much. It makes me confused and depressed because it tells me God is distanced from me if I don't do something for Him. He did all for me already, I just wanna soak in that!!! SO good He is. Glory glory glory, God God God. Look at all that life in Him!!!! I wish more people would smile in church. I'm sick of sad, emotional, or even angry pastors. I want happy pastors again. I want happy worship leaders again. I want happy people again. Says Jesus, every single day. There's sooo much life and we're still stuck on dying. Jesus was crucified, yes, but He was also raised and that means life forever now!!!! Wahoooo!!!! Haha, goodness world....You're all soooo loved. He rose for YOU!!!! Hehe, get on the ride of the life!!!
I really do just long to be happy with people and to bask in pressureless love. That's all I want my life to be about. That's it.
I think this will be all for today. I think I'm gonna practice some temperance here and move on. Love!!! Haha, gloray!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Journal 19

Today was a good day. I felt it's manifestation.
It was just a good day to chill and not do much of anything save hang out with people I love and internet surf and goof around.
A few girls and I got together to talk about Jesus, like 5 of us total I think. We talked about sweet things He's done in our lives, cat devotional reading, and relationships. It was awesome, I love my girls! They're so wonderful and I see what Holy Spirit is doing in the adventure that is their lives. And then three of us went into my room, talked about intimacy, and sang a song together. It was so lovely. I love those unplanned moments so much. When other people just are them in front of me and ask me to join in their party and enjoy what they're doing with them. Absolutely wonderful.
I was just reflecting a moment ago when I was looking at a few posts on my blog here and remembering when I first started this blog, where I was coming from and what my purposes were. I had no real purpose other than to feel like someone somewhere out there would want to read something clever I posted. I was trying and under religion. I remember saying things like "I'd like some readers but I know I don't deserve it," like somehow people shouldn't bother enjoying me, though I want them to. I used to try to be interesting instead of being me and letting people enjoy me for who I am. It seriously is just so much fun being me and doing this. I just hope that one day someone will read this and find it inspiring, me being my honest self and just talking with Jesus and speaking out Holy Spirit's revelation. That's all. I want my life to inspire people to seek pleasure in Daddy God through the Son Jesus by the power and revelation of Crazy Holy Spirit. That's all I really want in life. For my life to be fulllll of pleasure and love and adventure and romance and inspiration so people can read it like an epic adventure story book. And be inspired. Like I am. :)

Thank You, God, for making me like I am. I couldn't be anyone else because I'd be miserable. I know, I've tried. I love who You've made me, I love my soul, I love everything about me. I love Youuuuuuuu! Oh, great massive Lover! Your cross, what a massacre!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehehe, I heart You, Jesus. I long and love for You in alllll of my soul. JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna watch Alice in Wonderland and read the Hobbit and The New Mystics cause I love them all so much. And probably Your Word. hehe, yes!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I just read an INCREDIBLY religious statement on my Facebook feed. I feel like I'm about to flip a lid, but I'm finally coming down. Works do NOT get you into heaven. You can call it "following" or whatever you will, but only love does anything. You can have all your works, but without love, you're just chaos. Absolute chaos. 

That will be all. I needed to fume.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Is it the simple things that we're meant to enjoy or the big things? Are we meant to enjoy both? Are we meant to enjoy the small, simple things and think about the big things? Are some souls inclined towards simple things and others to big things? Are big and small things really just one and the same?

That's my devotional writing for today, just some questions. I'd like to keep it simple so I will because I like it.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Journal 18

So, I had a ton of thoughts I was thinking and wrestling with earlier in class and I seem to be forgetting them all... hmmm...
Oh! Sin-consciousness. We were talking about virtue and the like. Basically what I took from it was that virtue is meant to go together with faith, like it flows from faith. That's where I stand. And I think that's mostly where C.S. Lewis stands as well, but maybe not entirely, maybe my profs were taking it out of context of his actual thoughts. Not sure, maybe they weren't. But what I was hearing was that if we want a certain character trait, then we need to focus on the virtues...prudence, fortitude, faith, hope, love...etc. I like the "theological" ones, as Lewis calls them. They seem simple enough and totally focused on the, hope, and love are the cross is about!!! SCANDAL!!! Hehehe. But then where does focusing on prudence come in? Like, I guess thinking about your decisions before you make them. That seems logical and okay to me. Like, I think I'm learning that with decisions, it's so chill. It's not the bulls-eye "gotta figure out God!" bullcrap I've always been fed. Like He hasn't already revealed His will in Christ...I was just reading in Ephesians that He has! It's through the CROSS! My future, my path in life, is revealed in the cross! As I accept more fully the prize, I know more fully my path! Hahaha! SO SCANDALOUS! Ah!!! You can't get intimate with Jesus and His gifts and kiss His dripping lips and dance against His hips and not know yourself, too. He is me, we are together, we are one. Wabam! Haha! So that's my sin-consciousness talk. We can't focus on being better per se because He is our better. The only way, I believe, that we are made better is in our actions being sanctified for others to see and even ourselves to see I guess. Like, it's just a discovery of who we are and us manifesting it. But we CAN'T focus on the manifestation itself, like we can't conjure up the gateway to it (hello spiritual disciplines). Christ is the only gateway, not our own ideas or efforts, not "fake it til you make it."
Seriously guys, this is crazy. I woke up this morning thinking about this stuff, a friend messaged me about this a little, and we talked about it in class, I'm reading a book...HOLY SPIRIT I LOVE YOU!
Everything must flow from the fullness of Christ in us, never focusing on ANYTHING ELSE, no matter how great or good it is. Never in and of itself. Like, I've found myself trying to conjure up rest and trust and drunkenness in Jesus by doing things. Turning to music, movies, video games, Internet, books, etc. to "get filled up in the knowledge." I was still trying to do everything instead of just sitting. I've been asking the Holy Spirit what it is that I need to do, if anything. I was watching a Joseph Prince sermon and he was talking about how our only job is the obedience to faith found in believe. I still believe that! But Matt Spinks puts it to mean that it's HIS faith that is my belief. So literally, there's absolutely nothing I can do. I cannot conjure up faith in myself or belief. I just have to come to the end of me and stop doing everything and sit. I'm learning to just look and glance down into my soul like through a kaleidoscope and to see the beauty He has in me and to rest and operate in that, not anyone else's dreams and everything. From there, I think about how I love to reach and love on other people. I'm somewhere in between all of this. All depression comes from me not looking at my soul and letting it praise because it always does.
I keep telling people that all of us has been made new...our thoughts, our souls, our feelings, our wills...Our souls and thoughts for sure. He saved us, gave us free salvation Woooo!!!! and gave us the mind of Christ. I just know that I don't always feel it and don't always want to, ya know? But I think that's all the Spirit that I've been missing...hahahahahahaha. Oh, shoot! We've been given the Spirit of God...His personality...personality manifests itself through the will and feelings...shoot, dude. Literally no excuses now! Ouch, wow!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to do some more research on personality now. I think I shall. Hahahaha. I just love God so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehehe.
Drink the blood straight from My veins!

I'll be back later to edit this with more thoughts. Goodbye for now.

Dude....... I am so getting...seeing the fear of God right now. Soooooo goood.
So personality is defined as "characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behavior that makes one unique." It is consistent in how one perceives things, how they act and react, and how they think. It can be both psychological and biological. It impacts how one behaves and acts. It has multiple expressions: thoughts, feelings, close relationships, etc. It manifests in different styles of thinking, feeling, and acting. It is "patterns, tendencies, inclinations." When we describe personalities in people with words, it's said that we mean extremes in them, describing them in "above average" ways. Also, temperament is our inborn characteristics. Some theories are first type, which is based on different levels of fluids in our body (some have more types of one fluid and another, etc). There is trait theory which is based on our genes. There is psychodynamic theory, which is based on the power of our subconscious  And there is the humanist theory, which is based on free will and one's experience in life shaping them (nature v. nurture, social interactions, behavioral theory, etc).
Okay. Uh.
Jesus. God. Holy Spirit. Yes yes yes. His personality in us allll!!!! Hahahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!!
The Spirit that He gave us and the mind of Christ that comes with His characteristics...His thoughts, feelings, and behavior...His actions...His perceptions...His reactions...His proximity to all of humanity...also known as His love for all of us...Ahhhh... He MADE us for this. All philosophy seeks to understand this but misses it because it tries too hard instead of seeing it as it is and seeking the revelation!!! that comes with it, not just the knowledge. Hahaha. Baha. We all have His personality and just express it differently...there are variations of Him because He is sooo fulll...we all have the cake and eat it to and have our very own different icings that capture other parts of Him...specific parts of Him... The reason everything sounds like extremes to us when describing others is because we are all made differently and naturally excel in different areas and I believe that  that is for our revealed paths in life...I am more a thoughts person by far and I use that to analyze, to dream, to imagine, to perceive differently, to be brilliant in that way...etc. Or I mean manifest all of that brilliantness He gave me already!!! To manifest His brilliant mind in my brilliant mind which is His!!! His pleasure is me!!!!!!! Ahahaha!!!! We may get things from our parents because we're in the family. Still don't fully understand that one, but He's given us such awesome intimacy. Our subconscious, I believe, is our souls speaking, and that's why it may influence a lot of things. It's the place in us that salvation stems from...our reality...His love for us...His death and resurrection as unbelievers, they seek this out in all the wrong places just through thoughts and feelings, etc. Their souls cry out and they'll find themselves again through Christ, but right now, they seek through everything but the soul. They don't look at the generator that's asking them questions about life...hahahaha. The humanist theory is bologna in my mind. It's what I'm getting away from. To me, it worships the will and bases everything off what we perceive through everything but our souls...our salvation...His love for us....His death and resurrection as power...His individual expressions in us...manifestations of His love...the icing in us...bahaha!!!
Friend, soak this in and think. Be challenged and be!!!! Hahaha!!!
Done for today. Be back later on this all again....ahohohohohoahehehe. :D

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Journal 17

I'm just so pumped on Jesus and His riiiiich grace. I love smiling at Him. I love pleasing Him by resting in Him. I loooove playing music with/for Him. I absolutatotally dooo! Uhhuh.
I just want to get drunk with some people (on Christ that is). Guess I'm gonna have to remind some people...or rather rest in the present work of the Holy Spirit...with obedience to His faith/beliefs. I just want everyone to be happy all the time so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah!!!!!!! Mystical, ecstatic, divine, crazy, mysterious, scandalous, crazy, joy and looooove!!!!!!!! Ah!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!! Lots and lots of smiles all the time now!! Hehehe! Oh, what a Lover we have acquired by His pleasures for us.
Ephesians 1:9 Having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself
He achieved us
And Him again
He and Him again together forever
SMILE! You're LOOOVED! Haha!!!!!!!!!!!
God loves community and He loves you for exactly who He made you to be. He's never hated you because He knows who you are and how much He loves.
God loves community and He loves youuuuuu!!! Hehehehehahaha! Get stoned on that truth, friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love because He first loved us....

Monday, January 7, 2013

Journal 16

Alright, so, I'm finally back at HU. It's that J-term lazy time and I have a roommate this time around. Definitely still adjusting but I think it'll all be okay in the end. (:
My J-term class is actually quite boring. It's a class on The Hobbit and I was expecting their to be excitement about an epic journey story, but it's lacking. Disappointment, but alright. Haha, I can do...You can do it through me, Jesus!
I'm listening to Brian Shilts and the High Country River Drinkers and I LOVE it. A part of me just wants to drop out of college and be a total hippie and play venues across the country...through my state...around the world. Just play music, love people, and dance in crazy, ecstatic enjoyment. Ahhhh. Ha, we'll see.
I do feel I should be here, though. I gotta lot to learn. I'm just in that awkward push-and-pull phase, coming out of religion and into Christ and learning how to live around people that, as Matt Spinks would put it, have vacant faces at the banquet table and don't know what's going in heaven in them. I want that for people so bad cause I know Daddy does and He accomplished it! I just want people to be sooo happy and sooo them all the time! Ahh! Like, I don't want other people to live other people's dreams and to be other people. I want to see them for who they really are and to enjoy them for who they are. And I want them to know that they're soooooo loved, just as they are in Christ. That's it. That's evangelism, hahaha. Reminding people of what they've forgotten. I'm soooo done with all the trying and striving and trying to manipulate God out of heaven, like He isn't already here with us, like we're too evil or whatever. PUKE OUT THAT RELIGION. I just love love so much. It's the only motivation for anything I ever want to have.
On the upside! I totally can feel the Holy Spirit revealing confidence in me. Like, I'm starting to really understand who I am, what I like, and who Christ is in His rich's so free. I just want to love people that I like and love everyone and yeah, GOSPEL!
Revelation of today, though, I received from Ephesians...dude, seriously...every single verse in that letter is soooo full of the glory, seriously. I'm reading it verse by verse as far as I can see the Holy Spirit leading me. I just don't want to lose that sense of awe, ya know? If I lose that, I lose the Gospel, and that's the worst thing to lose ever! But I was reading this verse this morning again...or rather these verses:
To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved
I cried the first time I read that. I find that I need to feel accepted, as everyone else does. It's our nature and it's a good thing! To know, as a truth that Paul understood...that I am accepted in Christ because of Him who is my Lover...that's all I need to know. SO GLORIOUS GOOD.
And then...
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace
Dude...seriously...we focus so much on everything else...we say that knowing the Gospel is the basics..not at all....His grace is RICH...there's much to discover about it's mysterious power! NEVER move on!
Mmmmmmmm. I just want that forever and always, Lover. I love You sooooo much. You know me better than I know myself. Haha! SO Good, Lover! I am Your Beloved! Bahaha! Yeah!
I just want everyone to see me as I am and to enjoy me, too. Judgment is gay for everyone. And I don't care how politically incorrect that sounds. Hahaha. I'm using slang, world. This is my blog, I use my words as I see fit/please. It's all good, I promise! Hahaha!
Yay, Jesus!!!