To Listen While Reading


Sunday, December 30, 2012

I don't think I'm gonna make this an official journal entry this time. Not feeling it, ya know?
I've noticed that people are actually reading this thing. Coolbeans! I'm pumped that my thoughts are spreading the Gospel! Or should I say the Holy Spirit uniquely in me? Haha. So good, He is!
Uhhh...well, I just felt like posting since I haven't in a little while. I don't particularly have too many thoughts for this one cause I've already talked to Jesus about them. Earlier, we were talking about college because someone said something about it's worth that made me frustrated. Needless to say, those kind of comments always make me more sure of God's placing me at HU. Man, I seriously love a good wrestling thought. That's probably one of my favorite parts of college, or at least HU. I love being able to discuss stuff with people who think differently than I do, not that I get to back down on the Gospel, but that I get to understand where they're coming from, sympathize with them, and be right there with them in mind and heart. Dang, son. So good, hahahaha.
And I can also say that I finally feel like I'm legitimately just moving on in life. It's cause I'm learning to quit fearing what all these adults in my life fear about their own and to trust in God. It's cause I'm finally returning to the real main thing, Holy Spirit. It's cause I'm realizing Christ more so I'm realizing myself more. It's cause my soul is bursting out of my skin. It's a cool feeling, really. Freedom to move. Ah, beautiful.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Journal 15

The past week or so, particularly the past few days, I think I've been depressed. Don't get me wrong; I totally had moments where I felt God and I know He's there and there's still joy (I don't understand it...haha), but there's just a lot of heavy stuff going on with people I really love and care about and that makes me so sad. I used to think I knew what broke God's heart but now I think I know more. Religion, of course, and depression, people not living happy lives and being miserable. Like, wow, it's really hitting me. I was so pumped to go out into the darkness and be light, but I still have yet to understand what darkness really is. It's just so heavy, because people are demonically accused. It's not that demons are living inside them (save demon possession...which is an insane accusation and allowance on behalf of the person...just wow!), but it's that demons are outside and accusing people, like "you're really this way, you're just a sinner, you're not really saved, Jesus didn't die for you before you were even born, things just can't be that good, we live in a fallen world, blah blah blah, lies lies lies." And the saddest, most absolute sad things I've ever known, is that people believe that garbage. It's sooooooo sad. Daddy is sooooo heartbroken. His children aren't enjoying Him because they either think they can't or somehow know they can't. I used to think God was so heartbroken over atheists and people who thought they had it all together. He TOTALLY is and I still believe it, but there's so much more to it all, ya know? So much more accusation, not so much the person cause He's already cleansed them, they just don't realize it yet because that's too good to be true. My philosophy is that it's so good it's true. Whatever is God defines true. And see? God is good, God is truth. They go so neatly together. We try so dang hard to get that when we should just rest and let the Spirit reveal it, ya know?
Today I received some revelation about sanctification, though. Holy Spirit says it's the process of perfecting our actions, making them line up with our identity. It's not what most people think it is: being made holy. He already made us holy, but it's Him making our actions holy because we still choose old habits and the old man (like Paul said a billion times in the New Testament). Isn't that so crazy?
It scares me so much the way Christians think they know everything about everything. There's always a boxed up answer to give someone, always that answer we think we gotta have. That scares me, friends! I see it all the time. People saying things like "well she just didn't get it...I mean come on, really? why would she think that? it's so simple." Wow, scary!! Is truth really that simply grasped in your own contemplation? That's such a fallen way of thinking: thinking on your own. We must rest, trust, and lay in His revelation and yeah, you're gonna wrestle with stuff because His truth so completely wrecks you ALL THE TIME. But that frustration is joyous because it's soooo fruitful. I just hate it when people think they've got the Bible all figured out. And if I'm really honest, I'd say most of the church really doesn't at all. It's read out of context, not through the work of Christ at all. Ugghhh...I'll just say that there are translations that I really don't like anymore at all. They're legalistic and from the fallen view of things. They're contradictory and honestly don't make any sense sometimes. It's a control thing I think. People translating it to say "you're a sinner but Jesus died for you. that still makes you a sinner, so basically what Christ did for you wasn't enough so He still has to purify you. but here's just enough hope to keep you going." No wonder why people turn away! No wonder why people hate the church! No wonder why people think they just wait around for death and then heaven! I really honestly can't blame them and that's sad! But God is doing something awesome and I love it. I'm STOKED for all my friends to get it one day.
And OH MY GAUSH, I'm so stoked for heaven. The biggest thing for me right now is that I'm gonna get to see everyone as they truly are. Like, see right through them (and I don't mean that negatively at fact the complete opposite, positively!) and know the depths of their soul. I just am so stoked to be in that kind of intimacy with people. To know the icing on the cake, the uniqueness that God has given each of us, and to see it all fully manifested....goodness, so much goodness in that!! Woo!
And I get to hug my Jesus really hard and a lot and I get to see Him with my naked eyes. Bam!!
Well, I have 3 more finals to go and tomorrow should be interesting. It's such a bittersweet thing leaving for break, though. I've been so ready to go back and see my family and sleep all day and READ and JESUS and video game and tv and friends and stuff, but I also have a very dear friend that's leaving HU, and I probably won't see her for quite awhile. It makes me so sad! But I'm honestly excited for what God is gonna keep showing her (she gets the Gospel!!!). So many blessings upon her and her family!

So yeah. Lots of thoughts tonight.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Journal 14

I'm just accepting the fact that I'm stoned in You, God. Hahaha. Happiness is all the rage! Here's to redeeming lyrics! Hahahaha. :D
Why am I stoned or drunk? The knowledge of God, the knowledge that Jesus died for me before I even knew He did, changes me and it's soooooooooooooooooooooo good. I don't wanna move on from the Gospel, ever. If I do, the wisdom I gain isn't Him. Hahaha. Wisdom flows from the Gospel, hahaha. Revelation. Hahaha.
And there's a lot going in my life right now that could easily make me not drunk on Him if I focus on it and become hyper conscious of it all. But I refuse. There is literally no worry now in Him who set me free 2,000 years ago. Haha. All these things that seem bad are gonna be revealed for what they truly are in truth in Him and in love. All that same, together, united, Trinity, love. So much revelation is being poured out in this day. Old men WILL dream dreams!!! What?! I don't even know what that means, but it's glorious!!! Hahaha.
Happiness is all the rage for everyone now!!!!!!!!!!! Woooo!!!!!!!!!!! Realize it in the only One who is Mr. Happiness Himself.

From one glory child to the next,

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Journal 13

Oh God. I'm just feeling the glory today or something. I feel high but then I don't. I feel...the fear of God. Or something. Oh God. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Ahaha.
Revelation I've received today...the sorrow of the world produces death...woahhhhhh. Whatever that means, hahahahahahahahahehehe. Religion, fear, self concious sin conciousness produces death. Woahh.
Just soakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk and liveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee BE freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee as a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahahahaha. pollinate, soak it all up!!!!!!
pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, crash! hahahahaha

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Journal 12

I'm just gonna vent my frustrations. Is that okay? Of course it's okay, hahaha.
I just don't get it. I don't get how people can be so negative and how we've come to accept a negative Gospel. Woahhh. There's absolutely no glory in that. Jesus wasn't a negative person at all. He didn't use Himself as a tool of satan and didn't allow one negative thing to come out of Him. I mean, He was honest, yes, but it was to religious folk, not to anyone else. The only righteous anger...being in right standing because of Christ's work with God towards religion...judgment, hatred, negativity. Speaking the truth in love, He tells me...You tell me, Holy Spirit, is meant to go together. truth...Jesus. So speaking Jesus in Jesus. Speak the Gospel out His outpouring...woahhhhhhhhh. Speak the truth about people over them...woahhh. Speak who they really are over them...woahhhhhhhhhhoahhoh. We confuse truth with "being real" when He means Himself! Ahahaha! We apply way too much modern thought to Scriptures that never intended to mean what we think we do. We make the Bible so legalistic and about what we can and can't do and a source of bleh as we see It through our eyes and not Christ's. Woahh. Speaking the truth in Love (the revealed value that God sees in every man) gives truth its voice. Woahhhh. We don't even know what that really means.
The sheriff is DEAD but the deputy is alive!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!!!! Hahahahahahhahaha!
The most dangerous life you can live is an ignorant one.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Journal 12

Can I just say that I'm super angry right now? My friends just don't get it. They don't get grace and they have no clue how saved they are and how redeemed EVERYONE is now. They don't understand that it's not our job to be the Holy Spirit, to reveal, to awaken people. It's His.
I hate satanic words spoken over people. They freaking suck.
I hate hate. I hate hardcore hate. I hate misuse of grace, even when people don't understand it. That's why they misuse it. They don't understand God's power of grace. I hate jokes that settle for the sin nature. I hate sarcasm because it says evil things about people that isn't true anymore and then pawns it off like it's no big deal. Joking is meant to be righteous and giggly and drunk. Like when Jesus called some of His disciples sons of thunder. I bet He was all giggly cause He alone knew what it really meant. hahahaha, so good.


I'm done getting in the middle of things cause I can't be the Holy Spirit. I just gotta realize He's in me doing works and He's everywhere doing works and He's also in my friends doing works. All works of revelation. So Holy Spirit, I pray that You pour out Your revelation to my friends and show them the depth of Your powerful, crazy, furious love. Let them not be quick to jump to mission when You have them focused on their relationship with You. Let not men think they need to be men when they just need to chillllllll, bro. Rest, quit yelling, thaaaaat grace. Ahhhhhhhhhh. It's coming, that revelation. Booooooom....pssssssssh.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Journal 11

This morning, my spiritual mom and I texted and enjoyed the glory in each other. It was wonderful. I love her.
The fear of God is so on me right now...or I mean rather I'm realizing it. I'm in awe.
I hear Jesus laughing and it makes giggle so much.
I want to be open with all my heart to new revelation, not restricted by my own affections. I wanna exchange intimacy with everyone I meet. I wanna dig deep and fear more. And I wanna know more about obedience and stuff and where that all fits in and works with the finished work of the Cross.
God, send Your revelation for that again.
Woahhh. I just revel in Your revelation. Hahahahaha.
:D <--squinty ahahaha="ahahaha" big="big" eyes="eyes" grin="grin" p="p">

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Journal 10

God, oh my God!! You are soooooo good! Wooo! No fear now! Haha!
Today, Holy Spirit revealed this to me:
I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. The law enforcer is dead but not the substitute!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!! My spiritual mom got drunk on that today when I texted her. So great!! Glory!!
I've been really frustrated lately. I hate how people talk about Jesus like He's so distant. He's not. He's so close, He's our breath. Shoot, He's closer than our breath! Get a hold of that, Church! Wake up!!
I'm sick and tired of religion. I'm sick and tired of working and striving and trying really hard and doing doing doing doing. That's done. OH MY GAWSH, I'm tired of songs that don't even know what they say at all and are totally contradictory to themselves. I'm gonna write a poem about it. We sing, "I'm free...set me free Jesus. I'm me one more time, Jesus. You are love and became my sacrifice that cleanse me so I could be as close as You are to the Father...make me pure and bring me closer." What?? What IS that junk?! People who don't know who they are, that's who! Ha! Goddddddddddddddddddddddddd, guys. WAKE UP, BEAUTIFUL BRIDE OF CHRIST!
I'm sick of getting my toes stepped on. They're broken and I can't simply walk. I gotta try really hard and watch myself that way. Dumb. I'm done with you, religion! Hahahahahahaha! YOU'VE BEEN SHOT!
I'm sick of the beautiful Bride of Christ being told she's ugly and stupid and needs to get with it. Tell those that are telling Her that that they are! Brood of vipers, you fakes! The spotless Bride is made spotless by the spotless King that became her sacrifice. She's beautiful, she just realizes that more and more and manifests her knowledge, her beliefs. Get your theology back, Church!
That's secularization there, doing, working, striving, guilt tripping, controlling. BLEH!
Jesus, You've WON me, You've broken EVERY chain! WOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP!
That's what makes me wanna dance and be a fool and perform miracles and speak in tongues. Not my duty to because there's more to spiritual life or whatever. Woahh.
Peace floods like a river, like a MIGHTY gust of wind.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Journal 9

Glory, glory, glory, glory, glory. Glory. And glory. And glory. Glory to glory.
Lately, I've been encountering some people who don't think they're worth anything. A ton of people actually. They think, even though they have a relationship with Christ, they still are nothing. They don't realize that His relationship with them defines them. They don't realize that He gave up EVERYTHING He had for them and they're literally all He has left. Woahhhh. They don't realize that they're so loved and cherished and adorned. They don't realize how close they are to Him.
That's what breaks His heart. He's so close to them but they tell Him he isn't and they need to do all the work because it's too good to be true for Him to be that close. They don't realize they're not fallen anymore. Woahhhhh. They don't realize what redemption really is. Woahhhh. They refuse to move because they're frustrated with how easy it is with Jesus. They're frustrated because they refuse to see Him in them. And some completely refuse to receive His forgiveness, committing the only unforgivable sin.
EVERYONE IS SOOOOO GLORIOUS. THEY JUST HAVE TO REALIZE IT! That's the job of the Holy Spirit and we just speak what He's revealing. Haha, woahhhhh! So much glory on that!
Goddddddddddddddd, oh  my God. God. God. God. God. God. It's so natural to be so close to You, right in bed with You. Dangggggg. So true, so real, so lovely. So perfect. Now, we see in a reflection but one day, the mirror will be removed and we'll see You for real and we'll realize how much we stinkin' look like You. You are us and we are You. Woahhhhh. All because of Jesus. By ourselves, nothing. But that's done and over with. Jesus redeemed us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooohooo! That's what makes me want to hoot an holler and "be charismatic and signs and wonders and tongues and..." Not beating myself up and saying that I have to do those things to be a real, normal Christian. I rest, trust, and oh my God, enjoy Him! THAT'S WORSHIP. We don't need to glorify Him. We just enjoy Him. Imagine if a wife decided she didn't want to enjoy her Husband anymore because she's just too bad to do that. Imagine if she decided she had to work before he could do anything nice to her. We all know that brides don't want that. We want grace, we want to love crazily, and to be loved crazily. We want the husband to initiate it and to do all the work. We want to be protected. THAT'S JESUS, FRIENDS. Woahhhhh, hallelujah! Haha!
We're so real in Him, it's ridiculous. Everything else, everyone else is fake. He's reality. He's life....woahhh, haha. Glory, glory. Everything I do is Him. Woahh. Every move I make I make in You because I am You, I am Yours. You created me and we are one. Hahahaha. You move me around like a puppet but I'm a real puppet. Bahahahaha.
I've also encountered people who have been dying, literally, to hear this Gospel glory greatness and it gets me so high on Him! Haha! A friend of mine and I just laugh everytime we're around each other because we enjoy Him and each other, like we're made to. Hahaha! It's so glorious! It encourages me that people are receptive, thank You Holy Spirit! It encourages me that people are listening and that people want it, and even that people are aggressive about not wanting it because that's real persecution. Someone telling you your ministry sucks isn't persecution. Someone wanting to hurt you or say bad things about you because of the reality that you are in Him is persecution. I have some amazing friends that are getting that. Wooo!
I'm sick of us telling people that they are precious and beautiful and not meaning it, just using it to lure them in. Like, "you're all those things, but only if you accept Christ." What? No! They're His creation, of course they're those things! They just need to see it in all it's fullness! Bahaha! They need to see the light that's in them, or theirs is hell! They need to renounce religion, which is the world. Ahahahahahaha.
No more darkness, no more night! Haha!
Oh, glory.................................................................................................................psh. There I go!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Prayer Over Satanic Words

Tonight, I saw an argument on a Facebook post that really stirred me. All kinds of fowl names were being thrown around and the argument itself shouldn't have even manifested, but what one person was saying to other was so untrue of God's creation, it's...doing something to me. All it was was judgment being tossed around out of spite and hurt and loneliness and bitterness and brokenness and human nature. It ended in one telling the other they had no reason to live because of their petty argument and lack of grammatical ability and therefore, they should go kill themselves.

Those words are so jarring to me. These people are forgiven through Jesus (I haven't the slightest clue if they've accepted this reality) and talk to each other like scum. And neither one of them is scum anymore because of His cleansing blood. Body, it hurts so much when anyone tells God's creation they are worthless. They should not be asked to rid themselves of this world. What good is there if Jesus isn't the Savior? None, but He IS the Redeemer! Man, these kids are so saved but they have no clue!

I'm praying that they WILL know, and especially that this girl will not be moved to action by these satanic words.

Dear sweet, sweet Jesus,

I pray a windstorm of revelation in these kids' lives. I pray that the atmosphere around them literally change so that love may be tangibly known and seen. I pray Your supernatural natural provision over this girl's heart and I pray protection over her body. I pray, in Your name, Savior of the universe, that from her belly would come the revelation of living water. I pray that she would know how precious and loved and cherished and redeemed she is, so much so that it completely wrecks everything she's ever known. I pray that the fear that will come with that be removed and revealed for what it is: meaningless. I pray so much joy and peace and realization of Your sufficiency, right where she is tonight, whatever's she's doing. I pray that Your Holy Spirit would guide her to run to You and to stay wrapped up in Your arms, in safety, in love, in perfect harmony. Lover, lover, lover, all in Your name, Amen.

May the peace that passes all understanding catch her up in a glory cloud.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Let this jack you up!

The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God...

Thomas Merton

Monday, November 19, 2012

Journal 8


I love You. I love You because You have a beautiful heart for everyone and everything. For me. I couldn't find a better lover. You are love itself, so a little "er" at the end...haha, take me to the ER because you kill me! THAT's what I love about You:  I can't write love notes to anyone else the way I do You. I can be fully me in front of You and no one else, at least not the way I'd like to. Because You know me so well since You created me, You know every utterance of my heart and soul and mind and body that needs to be fulfilled and fulfill it with a small whisper and breath. Your redemption saved my life and gave me life and You are my life. I'm hidden up in You and we get to run to Daddy as a pair of star-crossed lovers. How sweet! I get to be near to You because of Your pursuit of me and the Holy Spirit of God that is in me that reveals You to me. WHAT AN ENGAGEMENT RING YOU'VE GIVEN ME! I'M SO STOKED FOR OUR WEDDING DAY!!! You are every kind of lover I could have ever asked for because You knew me and my needs. BLAH! So much glooooooooooooooory here, Love! Ahahaha! Can we just giggle our butts off when I finally see You and hug You super tight and stuff?

Your Beloved,

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Journal 7

Tonight, some girls on my floor and I watched The Notebook. I feel like I'm usually hesitant to watch certain romance movies because I know what they show and how easily your emotions can get terribly entangled in them. But I felt okay about watching this one, and now I know why.

Having seen it twice before, I knew what to expect. I did not, however, totally expect what Jesus showed me through it. Typically romance movies are very easy for me to see Jesus and His Bride in and I don't normally gain too much insight. It's more of a reminder type deal. With this movie, though, God's love was just so blown up, it was crazy.

The whole story, two people falling madly in love in the heat of a summer. They take separate paths because the woman buckles under pressure. He writes her every day for a year and she never gets the letters because someone interferes who think they know best (her mother). She meets a nice guy who can give her everything she wants, but not what she needs because he doesn't know the unutterable things she needs. He only sees as far as he exists; that of a practical and monetary driven world. His love is practical and feels real and well enough, but lacks the intense passion that her first love provides. When this new guy proposes, she accepts but is torn when she remembers her first love (sees a picture of him in a paper), so she goes running back to him and she finally consummates their original love. She forgets the world and their expectations for a few days, even her own expectations for herself, and pours out on him what he's been heart broken and longing for from the simplicity of her soul needing to. It's only when the person who thinks they know best (her mother) shows up and shames her that she remembers her commitment to her second love. She wrestles again with her torn heart, but eventually comes back to her first love for good, gaining everything she ever wanted and needed, birthing into the world new love children. And then we have the rest of the story, where she loses her mind, while he stays with her forever and always, begging her to remember by reminding her of who she is and who she loves. She remembers sometimes but only for bits of time. They finally die together, she fully remembering him. In their last moments together, she asks her first love if he thinks their love could do anything. Yes, it could do anything, he says. She asks if he thinks their love could take them away. Yes, it could, he says.

WOW. Read that and tell me you don't see Jesus all over that. Take out all the immoral parts and you get the passionate love story of Jesus relentlessly pursuing His Bride. His love is deep, His love is wide, and it covers us. His love is fierce, His love is strong, it is furious. His love it sweet, His love is wild, and it's waking hearts to life.

Jesus, I want to know You like this more and more, each and every day. I want Your love, I want Your burning passion, I want Your fire for me, and I want Your intimacy. I want to trust You and know that no matter how far I run, I'll always come back to and You'll be there right where we left off. I want to know You because You know me better than I will ever know myself. You are what completes me because You have everything I ever need and everything I ever want. You are my first Love. I love You, Lover of my soul.

Your beautiful Bride,

Friday, November 16, 2012

Journal 6

If there is anything that causes my brother to stumble, whether weak or not, whether under the law or not, I should hold back freedom. There is a time and place that freedom is not meant to be free. It costs you.
Your revelation is just so much greater than ANYONE else's. Seriously. I am so thankful for You! Thanksgiving to You for my family, friends, this university, music, and love. Peace and grace to You, the only worthy One!
And so I rejoice :)))

I love quiet music that draws me nearer to You in me. Cause that's where You ARE. HALLELUH.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Journal 5

My mind is just blown by You, Jesus. You sold everything You have for me, for us. We're all You have left. And we get to be together forever in eternity. We are one because You are one with the Trinity. We are one because You freaking loooooooooooooove us! Your grace builds our house, Your forgiveness births our children. Your compassion keeps us warm and Your love invites and keeps others in. YOU are our foundation and our everything. You ARE everything. Ha! You are around every corner, You are every corner. You are the sun, You are the moon, You are the stars. You are earth, You are the real me. Woahhh.
Lord, come swiftly to reveal more to me. You've already come! Haha!

I just want to stare into the sun and get faded.
He wrote life and life abundant! I don't know why you didn't want it!

I am SO CLOSE to You because You are SO CLOSE to me.

We never moved on to service, He says.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Journal 4

Yay, it's Jesus time! Arise and shine!

I think it's just so lovely that He's my King. Ha, I get to bow down before Him and then sit in His lap. What other king does that? None but Jesus. Shooooooot dang. So good!

I just don't get involved in politics. I like to be informed and stuff, but I'd much rather spend my time getting people in on this sweet banquet instead of screaming my opinions and blowing up people's Facebook feed with everything but the King. And this goes for more than just politics. I'm convicted! I talk a lot about music and not particularly Jesus on my feed. And it's also beyond Facebook. Should I spend the night watching TV so I can stay informed or should I be out spreading the Gospel and encouraging the Body to fall more in love with their Maker? I think the later because Jesus did. Pay to Caesar what is owed him and move on.

Anyways, I really dig "My Dear" by Bethel Live. They've got so much spunk and they get the beauty of Jesus/the Gospel. And they also get how crazy supernaturally natural life can be! How wonderful! I've been tossing the idea around in my head to intern there either through their established program or on PRIME. That would be sweet. We'll see what the Lord has planned! He'll be faithful!

I'm learning a ton about praise. It's an outward expression of an inward condition of remembering. We remember what God did in OT times, what Christ did, what the Holy Spirit does, what God has promised in the End Times. When we remember, we jump, shout, yell, dance, sing, play instruments, lay down, stand up, lift our hands, kneel down to manifest the remembrance. Remembrance is an action in the Bible. Worship is calling out, "deep to deep." Praise helps us enter into worship. Ha! What glorious wonder that means! So mysterious, I love it.

I think we all long for mystery. Some of us don't want to know things because we prefer to keep it a mystery. We don't know how to manifest some knowledge that seems to great to know. We'd rather come off as mysterious to other people and keep our distance from Truth, rather define it for ourselves so people can't get too close. We don't want intimacy and relationship because society doesn't. We want a solution to our problems, to die, and that be it. What pity I have for those souls that think that way! What pity I have for those parts of me that still crave that way! We have the mind of Christ, we have the Spirit of God that searches all things and reveals all mysteries of the glory of God to us. We know it, we know it. We just need it revealed to us because of this fallen state that lives in the flesh. I don't think Jesus gave up knowing the glory of God to be with us here. I think He still knew. That's why He could look right past sinners, traitors, religious folk, and traitors that tried to trip Him up to us in the Scriptures, speaking the truth that is mysterious and cannot be comprehended in the mind alone. He had the mind of His own, God's. He had the mind of the Trinity. He could sense the Holy Spirit, He could feel God. He was equal with God. We are equal to God in our inheritance. We inherit the world as He does. He has all the power but He wants to give it to us. ALL of it. How crazy is that?! That He can sustain Himself completely off His own power and yet still have all of it to give to us. Never ending, unceasing, burning, firey, passionate, powerful love! Oh, what a soul we have!

You...You're everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed. You're who I wanted to write all those sappy romance pages about. You're who I wanted all along because You're who I needed, Father, Lover, Jesus, Yeshua. Holy, I adore You. I love You so much, Dear. So much! I gladly accept Your engagement ring that is the Holy Spirit. It fits me well. It is fitting that it fits me well. Ha! It is well, it is SO well. :)

Love is coming for His Bride. And it's gonna freaking rule so hard. Get in the glory, friend!!!!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Journal 3

Hey Jesus.
Thanks for everything. Thanks for my life. Thanks for how You just work everything out for me. It's truly amazing and beautiful.
You do such amazing things that I can't even begin to comprehend. So I won't try. I'll just let it be what it is and praise You for it.
Oh, what praise my soul longs to give You! Oh, what great praise is due You! Oh, how my soul longs for You!
Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere. There's no where else I'd rather be. I love You, my Dear. My Dear.
You're so beautiful, Lord. There is none beside You and no one even remotely worthy, honestly.
I just want to rest in Your arms all the time, every day, all day. I want to be Your harmony. Give me clean hands, a pure heart, cast down my idols, O God of Jacob. I love Thee!
How precious is the Lamb that was slain so I could love the Father. Oh, how He reached out to this outcast and pulled me in, an outlier of society and brought me in to the banquet. Oh, how simple and powerful His love was and is and will forever be! I can't even understand living forever. I just know that Your Word says it will be awesome and I trust that for always.

You're moving in such cool ways on my floor, through our leadership and through people that live on this floor. It's amazing! I love how Your Gospel is going to be spread for real. I love how You love us so much and are bringing us all together. I love the community You have for us here.
It's so cool to see the girls growing together and hanging out more. I'm glad they can edify and support one another, despite their differences geographically, interest-wise, and even spiritually, experience-wise. Say it ain't so, my mind says. Oh yes it is, my soul shouts! Screaming from the rooftops, baby!

I think it's super cool the way God can move through darkness. We get so uptight about Halloween and vampires and werewolves and the "appearance of evil." Really? Man made that. Man doesn't know what evil is to begin with; they don't even know what light is. How could they know what evil looks like then? God's not offended. He loves outliers that like that stuff. I think evil appears pretty dang nice looking, we should avoid those pretty looking things. THAT'S what evil looks like. It just a twisting of that which is pure and good. Jesus probably wasn't all that pretty. And satan probably doesn't have a pitchfork or horns. He probably looks like an angel but smells like a demon. Anyways, God is awesome and isn't afraid of darkness; He freaking defeated it! We shouldn't be afraid either and I'm not anymore. The appearance that movies and people portray doesn't scare me. It may intimidate me because of the stigma attached to it, but it doesn't scare me. I digress. God is good and He loves us all.

It's raining in my room all the time ( I love it. It's so nice. Just plain and simply.

I miss being in a band and writing music. I really do like organizing worship and singing really isn't that big of a deal anymore to me. I just miss creating. I know God has cool doors for me to go through in the future and even now, I just hope He lets me create stuff, ya know? Like, I really want to work with super weird churches (as mainline churches call them) and help them develop fuller, more "theologically" understood worship. Not just throwing songs together and stuff. I want to learn how to pray for worship sets and the songs, but I also want to know how to think with the Holy Spirit through stuff and really encourage people through my guitar playing and stuff. I don't want to waste this deep burning passion for weirdos on normal people, if you will. I'd honestly love to know more about working in those mainline churches, but there's just this passion that always arises that draws me back to the outcasts and weirdos. I just love awkward people so much! Whether I am one or not, I don't care. I'm just sick of mainline churches casting them out and judging them and all that bologna. (see previous Halloween rant) I want people of all kinds to know the love of Jesus and to get in on the sweet banquet that's coming.
I don't know.
Just some thoughts.
I'm absolutely positive I'll return to them and keep ranting.
Maybe you'll keep reading.
I'm out to write my Theology of Worship paper on praise.
Sweet sauce and stuff.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

All I Wanna Do

Pretty much all I wanna do is make out with Jesus. Yeah You, LORD.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Journal 2

You are my reason to sing. You are my reason to dance. You are my reason to speak in tongues. You are my reason to act like a fool. You are my reason to think. You are my reason to be. You are my reason always, every day, in everything.
I hate the world. But I love Jesus. I loathe what detests You, or at least I like to think I do. Perhaps I love some things that I shouldn't. Perhaps I idolize my stuff and my abilities and my own thoughts above Your stuff, abilities, and thoughts.
And You are my King, my Victor. The war is OVER. The battle's ARE being won. Martina just walks.
There's so much peace in You, Jesus. You are SUCH a good Lover. There's no human on earth that could love me nearly as much as You do. No parent, no friend, no other half that could even come close. They could capture some of it, but I'd just be looking in a mirror of Your face and not Your actual face.
HA! Oh, what a day that will be, when I can KISS YOU! Haha! Shoooooot.
It's beautiful that my soul cries out when my thoughts won't themselves. I allowed my soul to pray this morning and paused my thoughts, quit forcing myself to try voice what I couldn't voice to God. My soul is so perfectly beautiful. It longs in ways I just can't understand. No book, no quote, no theologian could ever grasp it in all its essence. Waters of living water flow from my soul and I don't understand them, I just house them. Ha! How ridiculous is that? I am a temple of living water, life, God's glory, creation in me.
I'll stop writing now. The words just aren't enough anymore.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Journal 1

So I'm doing this mentoring thing with my friend for her Discipling Minstries. She suggested I journal while listening to music. So here I am, listening to Civil Parish.
It's cool, I like it. I can calm down, chill, and gather my thoughts. AND JUST SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY LOVE!
Tonight we had Praise & Worship Ekklessia (student-led chapel) and it was awesome. I love how God's freedom and hope is rising on campus. [Sidenote, right now I can here Miss Katie laughing on my floor and it makes me smile a lot] I just love how God can move, despite all my judgments about how He can't in this environment through these people because they aren't like me and don't worship the way I do. Dumb.
I hate legalism. It strains me so! I'd say if there were any personal struggle right now it's with legalism and judgment. I have my thoughts about where it's come from and I don't like that at all. It's just...dumb.
But God's love is bigger than that!! Gosh, He loves me SO MUCH. IT'S RIDICULOUS. I forget so much all the time every day all day. He is so big and all He wants to do is date me, tell me how much of a babe I am, and glorify Himself through me as I fall in love with Him more and more all the time every day all day. Like, what?!?! What is that?! Friends, that's the GOD I serve.
Ahhhhhhhh. Just ahhhhhh.
What awe I can be in, completely and utterly. And not be ashamed for taking the time to be still and enjoy Him. Bride, do you know we're allowed to ENJOY Him? We're not meant to strive and try really hard to earn anything. We don't owe Him anything because Jesus PAID IT ALL. I'm sick of all these songs that talk about how much we suck and how much we owe Him. I really just am. He did it already, accomplished EVERYTHING. It's that simple, no grey. Just black and white. He either did or He didn't and HE DID. THAT'S THE LOVE WE KNOW. Not some halfway Gospel that says, "Well, yes Jesus died for you and He loves you very much, but you've got to do your part to get into heaven. Blah blah blah." Yes, there's a heaven and there's a hell and we do have stuff to do. But it's not out of duty. It's out of love. Starstruck love. Nothing else. If it's out of duty, it's law. And Jesus fulfilled/finished the law for us. WABAM!
God is just so good. Period.
He's so delivered me of my past and my present and my future already.
I've been under spiritual attack lately and it's sucked. I've dreaded going to sleep because I hate the dark and how dark I and everything around me feels. I hate going to the bathroom at night because I can feel darkness. I hate it. My friend said she was going through the same thing a month ago and suggested I get some water and rebuke that junk. I did last night and it was wonderful. The enemy has been defeated cause death couldn't freaking hold Him down!!! BAM!
My music keeps freezing and that really blows, but God is still good, all the time. All the time, God is good!!!!

PS. I know I could just as easily journal privately, but I really feel like I should just share what's on my heart and in my head. That doesn't mean I'm going to be miss "tell the whole world about every little thing," just what I feel led to write and would like to testify about. Maybe this makes sense to you, maybe it speaks to you. I don't know. I'm just done being alone all the time and not sharing my engagement with my Husband with the world, inviting them to our sweet banquet.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Even In My Darkest

Even in my darkest You love me still.

Friday, October 19, 2012


I just want things to be simple. And passionate.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


I've been doing some real reflecting back on my life the past four years, as a sophomore in high school to now a sophomore in college.
Wow. Can I just say wow?
God has been so good to me and used me in such amazing ways.

I'll be honest, sophomore year in high school pretty much sucked for the most part. I wasn't particularly close with any of my friends, though we did hang out and got along well. I was depressed and stuck listening to depressing music and writing inappropriate fan fiction. I had all these aspirations for where I wanted to go in life with my music and things just weren't happening like I wanted them to. And then I fell in love with Jesus and He rocked my world! I quit being as depressed, though I totally struggled and didn't give up that junk music for awhile. Stuff started happening with Foscott, the acoustic jazz/alternative duo I started with my friend Katherine my freshman year. And I started losing relationship with old friends and gained new ones over the summer. Over the summer, I met Payton, pretty much my best friend and we started jamming. I mentored him and we eventually got Oh Molly, our first band, together.

The band was my focus junior year, which was by far the most rewarding time of my life. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that year and relive the fruits. Ben and Payton gave their lives over to Jesus! As the band got going, my drummer, Adam, gave his life over! My stepbrother/vocalist checked out what a life with Christ would mean. Ben invited Jon to church and he gave his life over! I had opportunity to share Jesus in my AP Language and Composition class through my writing and my teacher encouraged me in that. I played guitar in jazz band and expanded my musical abilities. I started looking at colleges (and made up my mind that Huntington was the place). At the end of the year my then best friend, Ben (bassist of Oh Molly), got caught up in some funky stuff and that sucked a whole bunch, but he came back around and stayed. I also learned a ton about overcoming fear, doing fellowship, and stepping out in leadership. Morning prayer at school was a blast and held us so accountable. Lunch was cool because we talked about Jesus. My friends grew as I helped disciple them. Things ruled.

Senior year was fun as we took our victory lap as a class and people quit hating each other as much. We worked more as a community. Oh Molly had broken up by this point and we started a new Christian band, Me Dead To Me. I learned so incredibly much about humility and being in a ministry band. We got to record with a good friend and talked about touring, though it never happened. We played ridiculously good line-ups and were insanely blessed and mentored. I began dating Ben, having never dated before. It was fun and I learned a ton about myself.

I went off to college and experienced really being away for an extended amount of time, being an adult. I didn't see family, church family, and friends from high school nearly as much as before. My relationship with Ben ended in heartbreak. I experienced depression and for the first time, felt what it was to have no will or ability to hope. I returned to crap music and old habits. For the first time, I learned to be vulnerable and began learning about true intimacy with the Father. I learned about real life and how to handle it in God. I learned time management. I learned my vices and what I had been relying on. I learned, oh I learned! Over the summer, I battled with the tail end of the depression I had been struggling with. I traveled much and spent large amounts of time with my family. I passed up opportunity to love on them, but didn't neglect them altogether. I watched the new Me Dead To Me come into fruition and develop more backbone. I learned more about intimacy.

And now here I am, a sophomore all over again. I came in, having not completely exited depression. I doubted, I feared, I had anxiety about the year. And then all that was shattered as I now see God doing something so amazing in me--developing me. What a relief, to know that God is in me, working out His gifts in me so others can enjoy their fruits! I am being made into closer relationship with Him every day and also relationship with others. I'm learning so much about community and love. I am on a sweet rad campus ministry team that's all about outreach. I have a wonderful co-CMC and beautiful RAs. The girls on my floor are so supportive, understanding, and genuinely good people. My professors blow me away with their knowledge and ability to help me apply what I learn practically in life. My school has amazing athletic teams that love Jesus. My school is so great at serving others. My surroundings are tangible and genuine. I'm continuing to learn intimacy and grace. I'm reflecting on my past and what's made me tick the way I do. I'm learning about my vices still, but also about my strengths and my uniqueness. I'm learning how to best express myself. I'm learning that I am accepted in God's Kingdom and people really do love me and care for me where I am. I'm learning that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to doubt yourself because God has my back. Everything is okay in Him who loves me. It's okay that I lost a best friend last year and that we don't talk at all and things are really awkward between us. It's okay that my friends are miles away, doing awesome stuff with my church family. It's okay that my family is struggling out of arms' reach. It's okay that I'm developing and make mistakes often. It's all okay because God knows what He's doing! Hallelujah to that!!!

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us

Friday, September 28, 2012

I think my greatest fear is losing all my friends and having to make new ones.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A leader takes initiative. So take it, Martina. Because no one else freaking will. No one has any interest in staring Him in the face and falling in love with Him. They all want to do rules and organization and have emotional reactions once in a life. Go ahead, step out. You are more than a conqueror. He will give it all to you so you can give it back to Him.

Monday, April 30, 2012

How long? How long will this grief last? You were not my everything, but you took up much of my life. I miss you. It seems like you're just a blurry memory now and that scares me. I get that we're becoming different people, but I miss what we had as friends, where we just connected on things. I miss our long talks, I miss you calling me to complain about things and me giving you a sermon, I miss hearing you cry on my shoulder, I miss going to the park with you, I miss driving you everywhere, I miss your presence in my life. I miss knowing what to pray about for you. I miss being nonchalant about me liking you and in a way, I still miss liking you. I miss having things to tell you. I miss journaling about you and writing you poems. I miss going to shows together and I miss playing them together. I miss telling you your taste in music kind of sucks. I miss representing Christ to you in everything I do. I miss you filling that whole in my heart where an awkward kid needs to be. But I pray the good Lord will replace it and restore it.
I don't know really where you're at or what you're doing and that bothers me, because I used to always know. I miss sending a billion texts of the same thing to your phone and you being surprised. I miss you being the catalyst for a lot of my action. And I miss sticking up for you. I miss looking out for you and always having your back. I miss telling you which direction you should head in next in life.
I miss a lot about us. That was 7 months of a relationship and 2 years of a friendship. We made each other. Who's going to make me now?
Jesus is Author and Creator, but He also sends people like you so I may have joy in my life. Where is the joy now? Oh where, oh where have you gone, true, pure joy?
I just want this sad song to mean something so sweet to somebody other than me.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A prayer

Dear Adam Lazarra,

I got into your band, Taking Back Sunday, when I was a 7th grader. You guys were one of the very first bands that got me into the music I listen to now; you jumpstarted me into my music listening and playing habits, so thank you so much for that. You are all talented and you are a particularly wonderfully talented vocalist and one of the best frontmen I've ever seen.
As a pubescent girl, though, searching for herself, I latched right onto you all and became unhealthily obsessed (is there ever a healthy obsession?). It came to a point where I realized I literally followed you religiously. I love your music and all, don't get me wrong, but it was just bad regardless, and I'm sorry I looked at your band as superhuman and not as you truly were/are. As a musician myself, I know, to a much smaller extent, how valuable it is for people to just enjoy your music and see you as a human, too, so sorry for being a creep.
Also, I must add, Mr. Lazarra, you are a rather attractive fellow (just in case you weren't aware, a majority of your female fanbase feels exactly the same way...) and my little mind wandered as a young girl often and online fanfiction about you only fed it, so I apologize for thinking of you in such a way. I had to fast your band for a year and then some before I could come back and get my mind in the right place, and thank the LORD, it worked! Now I'm listening to you guys just glad that you all exist and followed your passions--thank you for choosing to! (I've heard that you joined the band and moved to New York from North Carolina to pursue this life? If this is correct, kudos! Not everyone has the kahonas to do that)
Anyways, my point in addressing this to you was to one, apologize, and two, let you know that I'm praying for you. During my obsessive years, I learned a whole lot about you (or at least what the web had to offer...forgive me if it's all false) and it appears that, while also listening to your lyrics, that you're a believer in God. Me too! I have no clue what your entire background is (apparently at least somewhat Catholic...?) so I won't pretend like I do by any means. As I listen to some of your lyrics (which you write very creatively I must say), I can't help but hear some pain, though I may never go through anything you ever have or ever totally understand them. I just wanted to apologize on behalf of anyone whose ever hurt you in a bad way, if you know what I mean. We're all capable of making mistakes and unfortunately also capable of being at the receiving end. I also apologize for anyone whose ever hurt you in the name of God or under the title "Christian." The thing is, we screw up, too, and hurt people, but sometimes we're too proud to admit our wrongs. It's dangerously easy to lean on judgment as a way of avoiding the truth about ourselves. I realize that something happened between you and your ex-fiance and again, I wasn't there; I won't pretend. I just hear what I hear in your music and I'm sorry for everything that may or may not have went down. I recently went through pains with a boy and it's never fun.
Pain makes us better, though, right? I am glad to hear that you are doing better, what with your family and everything and the reuniting of old friends! I'm glad to hear less painful lyrics because that means you're feeling less of it, or so it appears.
In general, I just wanted to let you know I'm praying, like I stated before. I won't pray that you'll experience God my way or anything like that; that would be a little absurd. I'm praying that He'll protect you, keep you and your family and your band well, bless you abundantly, continue to mend broken relationships, and that you'll experience Him however He wants you to. I really admire you as a musician and your apparent honest living, but I know He admires you so much more because you're His beloved son, no matter what anyone tells you about how you're not. The thing we forget so entirely too much is that Jesus died on the cross for everything; His last words were "it is finished," meaning He took EVERYTHING, not just some of it. His wrath is done and over with for those who are in Him. He's got you and I'm believing He'll keep having you. He's talking to you, our only job is to listen.
You're an amazing man, sir, and a blessing to many, many people. Blessings upon you!
Much love (all lust completely aside now), Martina