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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Journal 35

So...
I'm purposefully going to go out of my way to make this as vague as possible. I really just wanna have this as a little milestone in my life. Something I can look back on and be cooled out by/about.
I think a lot of what I used to expect in life is manifesting because I'm now seeing it's true reality in Jesus' eyes. I'm learning to live fully by my feelings/heart (because it pumps so beautifully...it's JESUS!) and not stay stuck in my head all the time. With that being said, there's something really awesome and lovely that Jesus is working in my life that I'm just pumped about because I can see myself...old Martina, present Martina, AND future Martina wrapped up in this in a completely healthy and beneficial way. Never have I ever seen anything like this. I am baffled, taken aback, but super stoked because Holy Spirit is so dang good all the time.
Dang good You are, Jesus!

On a lesser vague note,
A band that I used to be hardcore into has disappointed me lately. I am currently catching up on what they've been doing and how they're all doing. My heart's a little broken for what's happened to them and how they're viewing things, but ya know? I know that my prayers are comfort to them. Hahahahaha....God...You're so good, hahahahahahaahaha. Hehehe. Oh man...Oh, son of Man! Hahaha! Gosh...I just love so stinkin' much the way that You romance me all the time. Hehehehahahaha. Lolol.
Anyways....ahahaahaha....in all of it, my past is starting to make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me now and I'm learning to really be okay with it. It's okay to have my regrets...like, wish I did something different without feeling ashamed...just learning but being okay with my mistakes...and having them come full circle in a healthy way. Like, I'm learning how to take my old habits or whatever, dig deep and see what was really going on there, yank it out, and then display it from my heart for my world to see. Heahaha, it's so good. I'm so glad that I don't have to attempt to not be myself, even as this band would say. I'm so glad that I don't have to live in this tension between my head and my soul. I just love what God can teach me through people and music and experiences and Himself in that. Oh, wow. Hahaha. I just....absolutely love what You're doing in my life. Even when I get all messed up and stuff. With confusion and gunk. But nope, You're right here. Like nothing ever happened.
Maybe it never really did in a detrimental way that had enough significance to matter much in the big scheme of things.

I'm gonna write a story one day.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Journal 34

Been awhile, understandably...lots has happened with me emotionally. I feel like I've gone back to square one in my relationship with God as my Daddy, and that's really okay! Haha. It's good! Had a nice long conversation with Him today and He's so good.
But today, I stumbled across an old fanfiction that I emailed between a friend. I'm actually really glad I read it because I can totally see where I was then. It's crazy how much my old stories reveal about what I was thinking, what I was feeling, who I was trying to please, etc. Crazy, hahaha. The really cool thing, though, was the beauty that I saw coming out of me, even though I totally didn't feel beautiful at that time and such. It's so cool. It's so cool, in particular, to see how all that romance that I wrote is totally Jesus 100% and I can expect all the things I wrote about in it in Him. It's so cool. Thank you, romance. I know you've done damage in girl's lives because they typically don't relate it to You, but thanks Holy Spirit for allowing that to be a way of talkin' to me. Hahaha. You're so good. :)
I'm so good. :) Thanks, Jesus, for being my Adam. Haha, the new One. Oh, so holy and beautiful. You're my Man and it's radd. :)
I believe in redemption and I believe in This Story I'm living.
Enjoy your day, glorious child, beautiful Bride. :)

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Journal 33

Hey Jesus. I want to publicly acknowledge You on here. I feel like I haven't in awhile. Like, sat down and had a conversation with You here. It's cool.
Well, today was awesome. You sooo know what You're doing, it's awesome! Haha, You're awesome! Woot woo woo!
God...
I'm so pumped with everything You're doing here on my floor. In my family. In my personal life. It's just so rad. I'm so pumped about what You're doing on this campus.
I thank You that You're WORKING in me! It's so comforting to know that it's nothing I do, really! Haha! I thank You that in You, I can hope and I am free to live and to learn and to make mistakes and to doubt and to have faith. I thank You that I AM faith, hahaha. You're so good. :)
Let Your love be revealed to everyone on my soul right now, hahaha. Let Your love manifest in their lives in crazy ways.
You smell like heaven to me and I smell like heaven to You. Yay :)
Mmmmm...love :)