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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

And Then

you learn to let go and move on!
First breath after coma.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Was In Love With A Boy Once

When it was time to say goodbye
Love is not easy, love is not free.
I am young and not yet old.
Sure I got my hurt and I got my pain, but I'm alive; I can't complain.
Sure I got my hurt and I got my pain, but I'm alive; I can't complain.
There are things in life that just suck.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The False Self

The most complex simplicities occur in this life.
Since the Fall, I'll constantly be in search of the true me.
In light of eternity it will be but a flash of light.
Alas, the love I immortalized between man and woman will never fulfill me, though I still desire it. Should it present itself as a servant of the greatest Love, it is welcome here.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I Am Here

*Cough. Cough.*
Ahem.
...............
My God is real.
That is all.
*Click.*

I can hear You walking through the garden. Literally.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I See Dead Men Walking; I Can't Help But Prophesy

Prophetic declaration, do you see I feel?

All I Am is Worship to the Throne

Today, I can finally say I've felt just about every emotion I can at this moment in my life. I'm just letting them hit me like bricks, and I'm okay with that. The more I pretend they aren't there, the more I feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest. And now I'm angry. Raging livid. So rage, hit me. I'm standing right in front of the train. Hit me.
God, please use these emotions I'm feeling to bring glory to Your Kingdom, even if right now I'm mad. Let them be ministers to Your throne. I now understand what You're doing to me so for now, let me fume. Cause the steam will wash away the impurities in me.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Trust, Faith, Love

What happens, happens. I trust in You.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

One Day, Please Let Me Sign

The more I fight grief, the farther I get away from myself.
I'm right here, grief. I am no longer ahead or behind you. I'm right here with you, holding your hand underneath this broken tree. I know when we stand back up we'll look across the horizon for that rainbow of promise. But not now. Until then, we'll grieve so that joy may come and increase.
I will grieve, but my grief will turn to joy. Now is my time of grief, but I will rejoice and no one will take away my joy. Not even you.
I'm dry. My faith is there, but I'm squashed flat and I have nothing left to give at this moment. I've been dried up. I want to love, but I can't the way I'd like to.
Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I swear to God. But He knows my tattered soul, He knows my broken heart.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Neither the Present or the Future

You don't know what you have until it's gone. You don't have any clue what not having faith is like until it's all been sucked out of you. It's hard to know just how precious your faith is in Jesus until you have none and it's the best feeling ever to get it all back. I can actually breathe.
Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
He's been here the whole time, holding onto my skeleton hand.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

First Breath After Coma

"Beloved, now are we the Sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." -1 John 3:2
I am so looking forward to meeting my Husband face to face and dining with Him. Mmmmm.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Awhile

Awhile ago, I started this blog up. I couldn't tell you why because I'm not really sure I know why.
So I've been attending Huntington for about a month now and last night was Holy Spirit awesome. My RAs and my roommate are killers sent from heaven. I had one of those moments I've only had around other people one other time in my life. I love when Jesus just washes things away in His big ocean.
I got a card in the mail from my mom today with a picture of my cat in it. She also wrote, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" in it. She has no clue how much that means to me right now.
Jesus is King, I am a warrior, and we're here to DESTROY.
I am living proof that Colossians 1:12 is real life.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

New Life

Thank You, Jesus, for this new opportunity. You're going to kill it on our behalf. Praises to Your holy and blameless, flawless throne! :D

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Jesus

I was reading through all my old posts again.
I've learned a lot recently that we're as fake as all we try to cover up with lies and caring too much what everyone else is thinking. It's something that hurts so much that it hurts so much to watch.
I've learned to separate worry from concern. Worry is "unduly concern." Concern is, well, just concern. Because of love, I am concerned. Worrying about someone does not mean I love them. It means I don't have control of the situation and want to. I can mask fear all I want, but I'm done.
I have a lot of fears.
I'm afraid that my family just won't understand, that there's no use in trying to restore any relationships because they just are the way they are. Sometimes I think if God wants them fixed He'll just up and do it Himself. I'm afraid that I'll never get rid of these insecurities I've picked up. I'm constantly afraid I'll make a mistake and misrepresent Christ. But you know what I've learned even more than a lot lately?
I am the righteousness of God through Jesus Christ and there's not a thing I can do to make Him love me more or make anyone else love me more. Jesus paid the full price and He has to continue to do all the work. No burden is too big for Him, or too small. He is my all. I exalt You.
"Strengthened with all might according to His glorious power"

p.s. Explosions In The Sky may have provided a gateway to saving my dad's life today.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I Love God

Dear Jesus,
I compose this message to You because You deserve it. I suck but You rock and that's why everything's okay. You look at me as the righteousness of Your Father, God, and that's how I see myself. I'm so sorry for blowing You off because I know You just want to spend time with me, and I'm lame, lazy, and procrastinate. I know You want to take me out on fancy dates and romance me, and I ask that You teach me how to let You because sometimes I'm afraid of what You'll say to me, that I may be convicted. But that's the best part about You; You can always say what I can't. Thank You so very much for saving such a pitiful wretch like me. I love You! Give me opportunities to express that to You, love through me, and be glorified. You are so perfect, matchless in every single way. You are the perfect husband, lover, best friend, and dad before all others and I love You because You loved me first. Help me to truly humble myself before Your glorious throne, let no pride dwell in me. You are wonderful.
Your creation, Your glory,
Martina