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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Journal 32

So... I'm gonna stumble through some stuff here.
I used to preach/teach/understand that I should wrestle with God, according to the passage in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with an angel of God. That's still effort, and if I'm honest, I've still been struggling with that by convincing myself that effort is good for me. Yeah yeah, whatever.
So, but, today I was reading in a book about contemplation. I've been reading it off and on as I have time and have felt led. It's so much to think through...or I guess now to stop thinking through...hahaha...let the HS reveal to me over time then! Haha!
But, uhm, he was talking about how contemplation is not philosophy...it's not just metaphysical/imaginative ideas about God that we speculate about or hold Him to even. Because when we do hold Him to them, we're pinning Him down, working (wrestling with Him), and likely constraining Him to a very shallow definition of who He really is. Not that I think thinking about His characteristics is bad...at least we're thinking about Him, haha! But contemplation goes so far beyond thinking, it's crazy and I'm still getting it. It's like, totally in our bellies and totally an experience (I'm maybe stretching the idea slightly far here, but I don't know really how far...). It's not us contemplating what God is like and coming up with ideas about Him, but experiencing Him....woahhhhh, like, wutttt? Experiencing HIM. I've been really frustrated with the whole self-denial gig that everyone's on because I was dead set on it all being about us awakening to how good we really are. Sure, yes! Cool, good things! Better things! But then I've found myself still focusing on me, looking down into my soul and contemplating who I am, instead of who He is, or what He is, or allowing the Holy Spirit to fully have control. To trust for me, to know for me, hahaha. Like, He LIVES in me. Wuuut? Not an imaginary God, not a thought....but a real Person lives in me. Like, I'm pregnant with Jesus, haha. Oh,  man....woah. Woah. Woah. Oh oh oh. I've been asking Him to make Himself more tangible to me because I have felt like I'm dreaming and imagining only. But here He is, real and tangible in me! Wuuuuuuut, freaking what?! He is everything, me. He is me. I am Jesus. He is everything in me. People look at me and see Jesus, I look at them and see Jesus. We are all unique, yes, but only as Him. It's all only Him. It's all only ever been Him. No one else, nothing else, nothing less, nothing more. Allllll just Him. That's crazy.
I'm finding myself returning back to the heart of worship. Not sacrifice per se, but Him. That's it. His desires are mine, not my desires are His. I can't make myself desire what He does, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE! My acknowledgment of them isn't me acknowledging my own soul's desires, but His. They are intertwined, but I don't want to use me me me because it's truly not about me. Not in a self-sacrificial, self-denying way, but as an awakening to Him as my self. He takes over everything about me. I am inebriated. I CANNOT move without Him. All else is really false movement and back to ourselves. I CANNOT MOVE WITHOUT HIM. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING'S IN YOU.
His desires are your desires, so you don't have to try to want what He wants. You already are wanting it. You already crave it. Acknowledge it!
OH MY GOD, reveleation

Sunday, February 24, 2013

No shame.
I've been too busy out exploring the world instead of talking about it.
Haha, oh theories...

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Song of Solomon 1

My paraphrase by section.
Beloved = Martina (me)
Friends = of Beloved (me)
Lover = Jesus

Beloved:
Kiss me, Jesus.
You satisfy me.
You smell good.
I am enveloped by Your scent.
Duh, I love You!
Let us steal away, let us relish in our love!
Let us honeymoon!
It's on!
Our love is so good!

Friends:
We approve cause you are good and satisfy her.

Beloved:
They should praise You, beautiful!
Don't stare at the work they've made me do.
They made me tend to them.
But You--I want Your rest.
Where do You keep Your flock and lay them down to rest?
Why should this be hidden from me?

Sunday, February 17, 2013

A love letter


I wrote this love letter to Jesus on the 15th after seeing a romance movie. I was so high off His love portrayed in it. Personal parts have been taken out as I feel led for discretion's purpose. You may hear about them later. :)

Hey Dearest Jesus,
You're so my love. My one true Love and Lover. I will always love You, no matter what. Sometimes I feel like I don't because the people around me worship a false...worship an ideology and not You. They don't know that You are so lovely and stuff. But I just want You to know, that I always love You and I know what my soul is always singing now, no matter what accusations or thoughts may come against me. I love You, I'm in love with You, totally and utterly. And You are truly the greatest Daddy ever, for real. I'm learning so much from You and it's crazy how much I can. It's so fun knowing You and remembering how stinkin' close we actually are! That's why I love all these romance movies because they remind me of who You are to me. Hero, Savior, Sweetheart, Lovely, Passionate, Graceful, Hopeful, Faithful. Love, oh Love, I want You to know that I will forever love You by Your love, forever and always. Not limited by time... hahaha. :)

You're so good, first Love. God, You're so good. I relish in Your sweet, beautiful love. You love me so much and I know it. I can feel it.
Love, help me to feel it as I lay my head down tonight. To know that You are there with me, laying next me, breathing life on me as tender and sweetly as ever. That Daddy, You stand protecting me. That Holy Spirit, You're still revealing to me and reminding me, keeping me awake at that good 'ol banquet table. Daddy, let my sleep be a continuation of our love dream feast. Let's travel as hippies together, kay? Let's be crazy and adventurous when I rest, kay? Kay. :)
Daddy, let my awakening in the morning be the same. Let me start out finishing our journey. Haha. Let me be reminded of our secret place. Let me feel the cool air, Your warmth, Your embrace, Your morning coffee breath. Hehe. Let me feel Your wind blowing Your love into my arms in the morning.
And Daddy, keep doing what You're already doing throughout the day. Keep reminding me, keep letting me feel Your love, keep me in the shape of Your bosom. Love me, be pleased with me, remind me.
Love, oh love, I want You to know that You're as beautiful as me.
Amen.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Journal 31

There's just so much beautiful change happening right now up in the air and the heavenlies (revelation of them...). There's seriously just all kinds of love manifesting in my life. In just about every way possible that I know of. Haha, it's so good.
I'm refocusing, relearning, not assuming anything, and realizing that I ought to be enjoyed. I'm tired of being pressured to be more "spiritual" or "sanctified" or even to force myself to let God love me. It's all meant to be pressureless because love is not pressure. It's gentle, it is not rude, it is not proud...it is patient and kind. It keeps NO record of the wrong I may do or have done. So right. It's so right. Love, joy, peace. Faith, hope, love. No fear, no guilt, no shame, no pressure. Lovely love. Love that you actually want to be loved by. Why try to make love exist outside of itself? Because we worship a false idol that isn't love. We worship fear, guilt, shame, and pressure because we think those are good motivators. We focus on results and not the journey. When you miss the journey, you miss everything. When you focus on the results, you won't be able to see them correctly. We journey and results flow, but we don't always understand them and we certainly cannot manufacture them in some assembly line of "this is how you do God...I'm right, they're wrong...my way or the highway cause that's what Jesus says..."
Love, Jesus, Love, Jesus. Jesus, Love. Love Jesus. Love Love Love Love Love.
Love, oh Love, I want You to know that You're as beautiful as winter greenery and scenery. You're as beautiful as springtime bird songs. You are beautiful like the summer heat and rain. You are beautiful like the stars that You created. You are beautiful like everything, like all of our dreams, all our of everythings. You whisper sweet everythings into our ears and lay with us. You are passion and You are kindness. You are goodness. You are amazing. You are loved by Your Bride and You are confident of this. You don't ask for more...You awaken us to knowing that we want to give to You what You already gave to us. You want us to realize that You sustain Yourself...we know that even as the Son knows that...You sustain us and everything...You love the Holy Spirit because it's Your personality manifested.
I don't even understand...
woah

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Journal 30

Time for some thoughts here. Two things.
One: It's a new season in my life and I'm stoked for what's ahead and what I'm leaving behind. Puuumped up.
Two: I want to talk about the spirit of the antichrist. I feel like so many people are so afraid of it and think it's just the world being "itself" or something. I've started thinking about it ever since a popular band got called false prophets and the like. And if I'm honest, I was wondering myself if there wasn't a spirit of antichrist present. Looking back, I'm not sure if it's so much that as ignorance. But I wonder... I think the spirit of the antichrist is just that... anti Christ and everything's He did! Anti finished works and grace. It's all self effort, that's all it comes down to. It's pinning ourselves up on the cross and "carrying our own crosses" because we don't understand what He really did for us and how we don't have to do a single thing now. I sense that spirit in a lot of places, too. Like, I'm hanging with Jesus and talking to Him and I can tell that the Jesus these people claim to know they really don't entirely. They fear Him, sure, and stand in awe of Him and love His presence, sure, but they don't know His love and that's everything! They're so Old Testament, hahaha. Ahhhh. I just feel so at peace with knowing this. It saddens me, but I'm peaceful with it all now. It's crazy cool.
I just love being me, chill, relaxed, cool as all get-out, hanging, playing music, reading, nerding out, being me Martina. I love it. Makes me so happy. Anything that squelches that isn't worth my time at all. Bye bye, dead things.
Bye. Grace and peace, love. Bye.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Journal 29

So God...
I'm discovering Your love and pursuit of me as Father in this moment of my life (not restricted by time...so by that I mean, who really knows how long this moment will last...). I realize...I don't really know You...or feel like I could know more, whatever, about You as Father. I want to be pursued by my Father because I lack in experience. Nothing negative here, just honest thoughts. And it's okay! Haha! Everything's okay now. :)
So Daddy...
I realize that I have the mind of Christ and streams of living water flow in my belly...it's just a matter of realizing it. So some words/names I can use to describe You (though I feel they are few and limited...) are here below:
Daddy--You play with me, push me in swings, throw me up in the air, play games with me, watch over me, guide me, give me advice, give me wisdom, show me the world, protect me, talk to boys
Protector--You do anything and everything for me...You already did and now manifest it...woahhhh, I don't know...reveal Your knowledge that's in me, Christ! Remind me of Your safety because I've forgotten in my carnal mind...Let me feel comfortable with You as Dad. Show me love as Father, show me love as daughter. Show me how to be comfortable with You at all times, Daddy

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Journal 28

You are goodness and fullness. All of my life is hidden up in You. You are fullness of joy. Your presence is everywhere. "In Your presence is the fullness of joy." ....Joy is everywhere! Balam!
I thank You that You descended cause that means You ascended. And I thank You that You ascended cause that means You descended. You made the path. You are so much pure pleasure. Hehehe.
Thank Ya, for everything You're doing in my life.
God, I'm so drunk. I can't even think straight.
Uhhh...
Intimacy flows from You.
Shooot,
nope
I just wanna be happy and laugh with people now

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Journal 27

Ahaha. You so good. You so wine. New wine of the grape covenant! Hahaha.
So so in love with You, Lord. Jesus!
You know, I just had a thought...it's one of them soullll thoughts.
At some point, you stop writing for everyone to see and start writing from your soul. Then the world sees. They're blinded otherwise, ahaha. Baha. Baaaaa, said the sheep of the Lord. Hehehe. When the world sees, they either receive their goodness or get ticked and persecute you. Either way, they're really seeing and loving or hating it. Hehehaha.
Just to be with You, God. Hahaha. What a giggly good God You are. GOTCHA! Hahaha.
Lalz
Peace
Resttttttttssssstttttttssss
In Your presence is the fullness of joy. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're seated in joy now. Haha. Your blood cleansed us to joy. Boooooom, psh/............
Cause lovin' You is easy. So so easy. Like the greatest essay ever written, lalalalala, hahaha!
It's nice being enjoyed as You are enjoyed......
Pleasure's forever in Your right hand!! Haha! Sparkity spark spark, ahr har!Bebe
WE AREN'T SEPARATE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wibbowoowwwow!!
redemption sonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng
sign....or sing...it's whatever....
fullnesssss, yes. i say yes to you, fullness. my belllayyy, hey!
pleasure, comfort, all of the things. all of the good things in my belly

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Journal 26

Jesus


I'm inebriated.

There literally aren't words to express this.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Journal 25

So I'm just pumped. I'm just pumped by Jesus. He's the greatest Lover. And it's all so simple. I don't have to conjure up feelings about You, they just are in me. And I can just enjoy them. My love with You is just Your love with me and that's what makes me me. I get to bask in Your embrace, Your sweet, gentle, gracious embrace. You are so gentle. I asked You to remind me of gentleness and You did. There is literally nothing I can ask You for that You won't show me already exists and (can) manifest(s) in my life. You give me everything. You are my everything. You make me feel alive because I am alive. You make me alive. You made me alive.
Dear Lover of my soul,
I love looking into Your eyes (my eyes). I love seeing Your soul reflected in them (my soul). I love how divinely connected we are. I forget sometimes but You always wake me back up. You make me feel alive. You counted me in from the start. You've got me feeling like a child now. You are the pleasure I always had/have as a child (of You). I can remember dancing around the Garden with You. That's my secret place, my favorite part. Favorite not in relation to any others, but favorite as my soul yearns and is fulfilled. Favorite as in untouched, pure desire and passion. Ecstasy. Sweet You rock and sweet You roll. Wow. Fear of You. Bliss that has no words.
When we dance, we manifest Eden/reality. When we sing and play music, we entertain the angels.
Twice I've felt Jesus poke me. It was like a spark.