Journal 10

God, oh my God!! You are soooooo good! Wooo! No fear now! Haha!
Today, Holy Spirit revealed this to me:
I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. The law enforcer is dead but not the substitute!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!! My spiritual mom got drunk on that today when I texted her. So great!! Glory!!
I've been really frustrated lately. I hate how people talk about Jesus like He's so distant. He's not. He's so close, He's our breath. Shoot, He's closer than our breath! Get a hold of that, Church! Wake up!!
I'm sick and tired of religion. I'm sick and tired of working and striving and trying really hard and doing doing doing doing. That's done. OH MY GAWSH, I'm tired of songs that don't even know what they say at all and are totally contradictory to themselves. I'm gonna write a poem about it. We sing, "I'm free...set me free Jesus. I'm saved...save me one more time, Jesus. You are love and became my sacrifice that cleanse me so I could be as close as You are to the Father...make me pure and bring me closer." What?? What IS that junk?! People who don't know who they are, that's who! Ha! Goddddddddddddddddddddddddd, guys. WAKE UP, BEAUTIFUL BRIDE OF CHRIST!
I'm sick of getting my toes stepped on. They're broken and I can't simply walk. I gotta try really hard and watch myself that way. Dumb. I'm done with you, religion! Hahahahahahaha! YOU'VE BEEN SHOT!
I'm sick of the beautiful Bride of Christ being told she's ugly and stupid and needs to get with it. Tell those that are telling Her that that they are! Brood of vipers, you fakes! The spotless Bride is made spotless by the spotless King that became her sacrifice. She's beautiful, she just realizes that more and more and manifests her knowledge, her beliefs. Get your theology back, Church!
That's secularization there, doing, working, striving, guilt tripping, controlling. BLEH!
WE ARE ALIIIIIIIIVE! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jesus, You've WON me, You've broken EVERY chain! WOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP!
That's what makes me wanna dance and be a fool and perform miracles and speak in tongues. Not my duty to because there's more to spiritual life or whatever. Woahh.
Peace floods like a river, like a MIGHTY gust of wind.

Journal 9

Glory, glory, glory, glory, glory. Glory. And glory. And glory. Glory to glory.
Lately, I've been encountering some people who don't think they're worth anything. A ton of people actually. They think, even though they have a relationship with Christ, they still are nothing. They don't realize that His relationship with them defines them. They don't realize that He gave up EVERYTHING He had for them and they're literally all He has left. Woahhhh. They don't realize that they're so loved and cherished and adorned. They don't realize how close they are to Him.
That's what breaks His heart. He's so close to them but they tell Him he isn't and they need to do all the work because it's too good to be true for Him to be that close. They don't realize they're not fallen anymore. Woahhhhh. They don't realize what redemption really is. Woahhhh. They refuse to move because they're frustrated with how easy it is with Jesus. They're frustrated because they refuse to see Him in them. And some completely refuse to receive His forgiveness, committing the only unforgivable sin.
EVERYONE IS SOOOOO GLORIOUS. THEY JUST HAVE TO REALIZE IT! That's the job of the Holy Spirit and we just speak what He's revealing. Haha, woahhhhh! So much glory on that!
Goddddddddddddddd, oh  my God. God. God. God. God. God. It's so natural to be so close to You, right in bed with You. Dangggggg. So true, so real, so lovely. So perfect. Now, we see in a reflection but one day, the mirror will be removed and we'll see You for real and we'll realize how much we stinkin' look like You. You are us and we are You. Woahhhhh. All because of Jesus. By ourselves, nothing. But that's done and over with. Jesus redeemed us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooohooo! That's what makes me want to hoot an holler and "be charismatic and signs and wonders and tongues and..." Not beating myself up and saying that I have to do those things to be a real, normal Christian. I rest, trust, and oh my God, enjoy Him! THAT'S WORSHIP. We don't need to glorify Him. We just enjoy Him. Imagine if a wife decided she didn't want to enjoy her Husband anymore because she's just too bad to do that. Imagine if she decided she had to work before he could do anything nice to her. We all know that brides don't want that. We want grace, we want to love crazily, and to be loved crazily. We want the husband to initiate it and to do all the work. We want to be protected. THAT'S JESUS, FRIENDS. Woahhhhh, hallelujah! Haha!
We're so real in Him, it's ridiculous. Everything else, everyone else is fake. He's reality. He's life....woahhh, haha. Glory, glory. Everything I do is Him. Woahh. Every move I make I make in You because I am You, I am Yours. You created me and we are one. Hahahaha. You move me around like a puppet but I'm a real puppet. Bahahahaha.
I've also encountered people who have been dying, literally, to hear this Gospel glory greatness and it gets me so high on Him! Haha! A friend of mine and I just laugh everytime we're around each other because we enjoy Him and each other, like we're made to. Hahaha! It's so glorious! It encourages me that people are receptive, thank You Holy Spirit! It encourages me that people are listening and that people want it, and even that people are aggressive about not wanting it because that's real persecution. Someone telling you your ministry sucks isn't persecution. Someone wanting to hurt you or say bad things about you because of the reality that you are in Him is persecution. I have some amazing friends that are getting that. Wooo!
I'm sick of us telling people that they are precious and beautiful and not meaning it, just using it to lure them in. Like, "you're all those things, but only if you accept Christ." What? No! They're His creation, of course they're those things! They just need to see it in all it's fullness! Bahaha! They need to see the light that's in them, or theirs is hell! They need to renounce religion, which is the world. Ahahahahahaha.
No more darkness, no more night! Haha!
Oh, glory.................................................................................................................psh. There I go!

Prayer Over Satanic Words

Tonight, I saw an argument on a Facebook post that really stirred me. All kinds of fowl names were being thrown around and the argument itself shouldn't have even manifested, but what one person was saying to other was so untrue of God's creation, it's...doing something to me. All it was was judgment being tossed around out of spite and hurt and loneliness and bitterness and brokenness and human nature. It ended in one telling the other they had no reason to live because of their petty argument and lack of grammatical ability and therefore, they should go kill themselves.

Those words are so jarring to me. These people are forgiven through Jesus (I haven't the slightest clue if they've accepted this reality) and talk to each other like scum. And neither one of them is scum anymore because of His cleansing blood. Body, it hurts so much when anyone tells God's creation they are worthless. They should not be asked to rid themselves of this world. What good is there if Jesus isn't the Savior? None, but He IS the Redeemer! Man, these kids are so saved but they have no clue!

I'm praying that they WILL know, and especially that this girl will not be moved to action by these satanic words.

Dear sweet, sweet Jesus,

I pray a windstorm of revelation in these kids' lives. I pray that the atmosphere around them literally change so that love may be tangibly known and seen. I pray Your supernatural natural provision over this girl's heart and I pray protection over her body. I pray, in Your name, Savior of the universe, that from her belly would come the revelation of living water. I pray that she would know how precious and loved and cherished and redeemed she is, so much so that it completely wrecks everything she's ever known. I pray that the fear that will come with that be removed and revealed for what it is: meaningless. I pray so much joy and peace and realization of Your sufficiency, right where she is tonight, whatever's she's doing. I pray that Your Holy Spirit would guide her to run to You and to stay wrapped up in Your arms, in safety, in love, in perfect harmony. Lover, lover, lover, all in Your name, Amen.

May the peace that passes all understanding catch her up in a glory cloud.

Let this jack you up!

The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God...

Thomas Merton

Journal 8

Jesus,

I love You. I love You because You have a beautiful heart for everyone and everything. For me. I couldn't find a better lover. You are love itself, so a little "er" at the end...haha, take me to the ER because you kill me! THAT's what I love about You:  I can't write love notes to anyone else the way I do You. I can be fully me in front of You and no one else, at least not the way I'd like to. Because You know me so well since You created me, You know every utterance of my heart and soul and mind and body that needs to be fulfilled and fulfill it with a small whisper and breath. Your redemption saved my life and gave me life and You are my life. I'm hidden up in You and we get to run to Daddy as a pair of star-crossed lovers. How sweet! I get to be near to You because of Your pursuit of me and the Holy Spirit of God that is in me that reveals You to me. WHAT AN ENGAGEMENT RING YOU'VE GIVEN ME! I'M SO STOKED FOR OUR WEDDING DAY!!! You are every kind of lover I could have ever asked for because You knew me and my needs. BLAH! So much glooooooooooooooory here, Love! Ahahaha! Can we just giggle our butts off when I finally see You and hug You super tight and stuff?

Your Beloved,
Martina

Journal 7

Tonight, some girls on my floor and I watched The Notebook. I feel like I'm usually hesitant to watch certain romance movies because I know what they show and how easily your emotions can get terribly entangled in them. But I felt okay about watching this one, and now I know why.

Having seen it twice before, I knew what to expect. I did not, however, totally expect what Jesus showed me through it. Typically romance movies are very easy for me to see Jesus and His Bride in and I don't normally gain too much insight. It's more of a reminder type deal. With this movie, though, God's love was just so blown up, it was crazy.

The whole story, two people falling madly in love in the heat of a summer. They take separate paths because the woman buckles under pressure. He writes her every day for a year and she never gets the letters because someone interferes who think they know best (her mother). She meets a nice guy who can give her everything she wants, but not what she needs because he doesn't know the unutterable things she needs. He only sees as far as he exists; that of a practical and monetary driven world. His love is practical and feels real and well enough, but lacks the intense passion that her first love provides. When this new guy proposes, she accepts but is torn when she remembers her first love (sees a picture of him in a paper), so she goes running back to him and she finally consummates their original love. She forgets the world and their expectations for a few days, even her own expectations for herself, and pours out on him what he's been heart broken and longing for from the simplicity of her soul needing to. It's only when the person who thinks they know best (her mother) shows up and shames her that she remembers her commitment to her second love. She wrestles again with her torn heart, but eventually comes back to her first love for good, gaining everything she ever wanted and needed, birthing into the world new love children. And then we have the rest of the story, where she loses her mind, while he stays with her forever and always, begging her to remember by reminding her of who she is and who she loves. She remembers sometimes but only for bits of time. They finally die together, she fully remembering him. In their last moments together, she asks her first love if he thinks their love could do anything. Yes, it could do anything, he says. She asks if he thinks their love could take them away. Yes, it could, he says.

WOW. Read that and tell me you don't see Jesus all over that. Take out all the immoral parts and you get the passionate love story of Jesus relentlessly pursuing His Bride. His love is deep, His love is wide, and it covers us. His love is fierce, His love is strong, it is furious. His love it sweet, His love is wild, and it's waking hearts to life.

Jesus, I want to know You like this more and more, each and every day. I want Your love, I want Your burning passion, I want Your fire for me, and I want Your intimacy. I want to trust You and know that no matter how far I run, I'll always come back to and You'll be there right where we left off. I want to know You because You know me better than I will ever know myself. You are what completes me because You have everything I ever need and everything I ever want. You are my first Love. I love You, Lover of my soul.

Your beautiful Bride,
Martina

Journal 6

If there is anything that causes my brother to stumble, whether weak or not, whether under the law or not, I should hold back freedom. There is a time and place that freedom is not meant to be free. It costs you.
God,
Your revelation is just so much greater than ANYONE else's. Seriously. I am so thankful for You! Thanksgiving to You for my family, friends, this university, music, and love. Peace and grace to You, the only worthy One!
And so I rejoice :)))

I love quiet music that draws me nearer to You in me. Cause that's where You ARE. HALLELUH.

Journal 5

My mind is just blown by You, Jesus. You sold everything You have for me, for us. We're all You have left. And we get to be together forever in eternity. We are one because You are one with the Trinity. We are one because You freaking loooooooooooooove us! Your grace builds our house, Your forgiveness births our children. Your compassion keeps us warm and Your love invites and keeps others in. YOU are our foundation and our everything. You ARE everything. Ha! You are around every corner, You are every corner. You are the sun, You are the moon, You are the stars. You are earth, You are the real me. Woahhh.
Lord, come swiftly to reveal more to me. You've already come! Haha!

I just want to stare into the sun and get faded.
He wrote life and life abundant! I don't know why you didn't want it!

I am SO CLOSE to You because You are SO CLOSE to me.

We never moved on to service, He says.

Journal 4

Yay, it's Jesus time! Arise and shine!

I think it's just so lovely that He's my King. Ha, I get to bow down before Him and then sit in His lap. What other king does that? None but Jesus. Shooooooot dang. So good!

I just don't get involved in politics. I like to be informed and stuff, but I'd much rather spend my time getting people in on this sweet banquet instead of screaming my opinions and blowing up people's Facebook feed with everything but the King. And this goes for more than just politics. I'm convicted! I talk a lot about music and not particularly Jesus on my feed. And it's also beyond Facebook. Should I spend the night watching TV so I can stay informed or should I be out spreading the Gospel and encouraging the Body to fall more in love with their Maker? I think the later because Jesus did. Pay to Caesar what is owed him and move on.

Anyways, I really dig "My Dear" by Bethel Live. They've got so much spunk and they get the beauty of Jesus/the Gospel. And they also get how crazy supernaturally natural life can be! How wonderful! I've been tossing the idea around in my head to intern there either through their established program or on PRIME. That would be sweet. We'll see what the Lord has planned! He'll be faithful!

I'm learning a ton about praise. It's an outward expression of an inward condition of remembering. We remember what God did in OT times, what Christ did, what the Holy Spirit does, what God has promised in the End Times. When we remember, we jump, shout, yell, dance, sing, play instruments, lay down, stand up, lift our hands, kneel down to manifest the remembrance. Remembrance is an action in the Bible. Worship is calling out, "deep to deep." Praise helps us enter into worship. Ha! What glorious wonder that means! So mysterious, I love it.

I think we all long for mystery. Some of us don't want to know things because we prefer to keep it a mystery. We don't know how to manifest some knowledge that seems to great to know. We'd rather come off as mysterious to other people and keep our distance from Truth, rather define it for ourselves so people can't get too close. We don't want intimacy and relationship because society doesn't. We want a solution to our problems, to die, and that be it. What pity I have for those souls that think that way! What pity I have for those parts of me that still crave that way! We have the mind of Christ, we have the Spirit of God that searches all things and reveals all mysteries of the glory of God to us. We know it, we know it. We just need it revealed to us because of this fallen state that lives in the flesh. I don't think Jesus gave up knowing the glory of God to be with us here. I think He still knew. That's why He could look right past sinners, traitors, religious folk, and traitors that tried to trip Him up to us in the Scriptures, speaking the truth that is mysterious and cannot be comprehended in the mind alone. He had the mind of His own, God's. He had the mind of the Trinity. He could sense the Holy Spirit, He could feel God. He was equal with God. We are equal to God in our inheritance. We inherit the world as He does. He has all the power but He wants to give it to us. ALL of it. How crazy is that?! That He can sustain Himself completely off His own power and yet still have all of it to give to us. Never ending, unceasing, burning, firey, passionate, powerful love! Oh, what a soul we have!

You...You're everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed. You're who I wanted to write all those sappy romance pages about. You're who I wanted all along because You're who I needed, Father, Lover, Jesus, Yeshua. Holy, I adore You. I love You so much, Dear. So much! I gladly accept Your engagement ring that is the Holy Spirit. It fits me well. It is fitting that it fits me well. Ha! It is well, it is SO well. :)

Love is coming for His Bride. And it's gonna freaking rule so hard. Get in the glory, friend!!!!

Journal 3

Hey Jesus.
Thanks for everything. Thanks for my life. Thanks for how You just work everything out for me. It's truly amazing and beautiful.
You do such amazing things that I can't even begin to comprehend. So I won't try. I'll just let it be what it is and praise You for it.
Oh, what praise my soul longs to give You! Oh, what great praise is due You! Oh, how my soul longs for You!
Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere. There's no where else I'd rather be. I love You, my Dear. My Dear.
You're so beautiful, Lord. There is none beside You and no one even remotely worthy, honestly.
I just want to rest in Your arms all the time, every day, all day. I want to be Your harmony. Give me clean hands, a pure heart, cast down my idols, O God of Jacob. I love Thee!
How precious is the Lamb that was slain so I could love the Father. Oh, how He reached out to this outcast and pulled me in, an outlier of society and brought me in to the banquet. Oh, how simple and powerful His love was and is and will forever be! I can't even understand living forever. I just know that Your Word says it will be awesome and I trust that for always.

You're moving in such cool ways on my floor, through our leadership and through people that live on this floor. It's amazing! I love how Your Gospel is going to be spread for real. I love how You love us so much and are bringing us all together. I love the community You have for us here.
It's so cool to see the girls growing together and hanging out more. I'm glad they can edify and support one another, despite their differences geographically, interest-wise, and even spiritually, experience-wise. Say it ain't so, my mind says. Oh yes it is, my soul shouts! Screaming from the rooftops, baby!

I think it's super cool the way God can move through darkness. We get so uptight about Halloween and vampires and werewolves and the "appearance of evil." Really? Man made that. Man doesn't know what evil is to begin with; they don't even know what light is. How could they know what evil looks like then? God's not offended. He loves outliers that like that stuff. I think evil appears pretty dang nice looking, we should avoid those pretty looking things. THAT'S what evil looks like. It just a twisting of that which is pure and good. Jesus probably wasn't all that pretty. And satan probably doesn't have a pitchfork or horns. He probably looks like an angel but smells like a demon. Anyways, God is awesome and isn't afraid of darkness; He freaking defeated it! We shouldn't be afraid either and I'm not anymore. The appearance that movies and people portray doesn't scare me. It may intimidate me because of the stigma attached to it, but it doesn't scare me. I digress. God is good and He loves us all.

It's raining in my room all the time (rainymood.com). I love it. It's so nice. Just plain and simply.

I miss being in a band and writing music. I really do like organizing worship and singing really isn't that big of a deal anymore to me. I just miss creating. I know God has cool doors for me to go through in the future and even now, I just hope He lets me create stuff, ya know? Like, I really want to work with super weird churches (as mainline churches call them) and help them develop fuller, more "theologically" understood worship. Not just throwing songs together and stuff. I want to learn how to pray for worship sets and the songs, but I also want to know how to think with the Holy Spirit through stuff and really encourage people through my guitar playing and stuff. I don't want to waste this deep burning passion for weirdos on normal people, if you will. I'd honestly love to know more about working in those mainline churches, but there's just this passion that always arises that draws me back to the outcasts and weirdos. I just love awkward people so much! Whether I am one or not, I don't care. I'm just sick of mainline churches casting them out and judging them and all that bologna. (see previous Halloween rant) I want people of all kinds to know the love of Jesus and to get in on the sweet banquet that's coming.
I don't know.
Just some thoughts.
I'm absolutely positive I'll return to them and keep ranting.
Maybe you'll keep reading.
Blessings.
I'm out to write my Theology of Worship paper on praise.
Sweet sauce and stuff.

Amen.

All I Wanna Do

Pretty much all I wanna do is make out with Jesus. Yeah You, LORD.