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Sunday, October 27, 2013

Journal 41--Thank You!

So the past few days have been really interesting for me. Really the past semester/past few weeks to be honest. I've been so frustrated with my Systematic Theology class. In part, because it just requires so much work on top of my five other classes of work. Lesson learned: Never take 3 Bible classes and 17 credit hours in one semester. Worst.Idea.Ever. Haha.
But what's really frustrated me recently is what I posted in my last post about the Bible. To clarify, I've settled on believing yes, the Bible doesn't have to be inerrant or infallible, but I'm not opposed to it being so. I just don't like the idea of worshiping it or turning to it to solve all our problems as the power of God lies anywhere but in His beloved children that He wishes to share in fellowship with. And I'm tired of cowering behind it, when I'm really cowering behind someone else's poopy thoughts.
And that's just it. I've been frustrated with how my beliefs just don't seem to add up with others sometimes. I know they probably do more than I realize, but it's still saddening. I feel like I can't tell my fellow Christians that the doctrine of sin is a joke, and the doctrine of eschatology is sort of a joke, too. Specifically, the idea that we are filthy rags and that grace is dependent on our being filthy rags, at least in some sense because Christ didn't truly finish anything (I'd say reveal anything about who we've been since forever) and we now have to wait for Him to return to be our true selves. I remember thinking that sounded plain enough, but not it just sounds silly/ridiculous to me. How can I not be who I've always wanted to be? How can a good Father ever be so concerned with His own sense of morality that He can't let me be, the me He conceived? How can a good Father EVER change His mind about me? And that's what I just can't understand...that the church contests that we have grace which is everything. Which don't get me wrong, it is. But it leaves God with always changing His mind, as if I'm never allowed to question it. What kind of good Father would need me to quit questioning His love? In the realest reality, I don't need to, but it's perfectly okay if I do. There's a lot of spiritual abuse going around and honestly, I think it's been to protect our sense of control. And we like to say we need to get rid of it yada yada yada, but in the depth of how people are feeling about themselves, they're really just trying to convince themselves that that's not what they're doing, calling anyone who truly disagrees outside some form of their thinking (not variations of their thoughts, actual disagreements) a heretic. I just sense sooo much fear from my fellow friends that are Christians. They're soo afraid of being irreverent to God, as if that's really what He requires. What if the "reverence" of the Old Testament was really just our pagan ideas of what gods are like, superimposed on to who God is? That's why Jesus makes so much sense as loving in the New Testament, but not in the Old Testament. How can God have a change in mind? To me, how can worship have anything to do with sacrifice? Maybe of the old self but even then, He doesn't care. He accepts us right where we are. He doesn't care nearly as much as we think He does, I think. There's so much beauty in just resting in who He is and not making this all about logic, theologians. Rest in His love and let that speak enough, theologians. Let your heart do all the interpreting. I promise it's not bad. This isn't a doctrine, like a new one. This is truly the life you've always wanted and had this whole time. Breathe. Ahhhhhh. Beauty is all around you and in you! Breathe it in! Breathe it in! Smile with no fear! Your Papa loooooves you! Soooo soo much! Mmmmmmmmm, looooove
Love is all we have and need
Theology is not to argue. It is the mystery of the times being unveiled and our rest in the fact that the universe knows it's own answers to it's questioning.
The heart remembers more than the head tries to forget. And the heart releases healing when the head forgets important things, and then the head remembers it's okay to forget and not hold on because the heart holds us together. Therein love interprets logic, for love is logic itself. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for dwelling there and reminding me of who I am.

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