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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Am I An Introvert? Am I Afraid?

Today in one of my classes, I finally piped up about something I felt passionate about. Let me tell you, reader, I have never done this in the entirety of my existence. Sure, I've shared passion amongst friends and such but never in a class setting. Honestly, I'm an introvert. Not the hardcore kind that is always secluded and socially anxious. No, I'm an introvert in two particular ways: I need alone time, it's precious to me. And I have to have time to process my thoughts. Period. I'm not much of an external processor UNLESS I am particularly close to you and you know where I stand with the heart of Jesus. Only a HANDFUL of people in my life do and I'm completely okay with that. I don't enjoy being a totally open book to everyone I meet--I don't think it's healthy and it's just not beneficial to me or anyone else. For these reasons, I don't share in class much because I'm usually trying to figure out what the heck I think about things before I say anything. I hate giving half-butt answers for the sake of participating. That has no value for me personally but it's cool if it does for others. Really! It's just not my thing and I've come to terms with that. I've done the whole shaming thing and tried to tell myself I'm just afraid of sharing. In part, I am afraid of sharing, but it's not simply because I'm socially anxious. It's because if I don't see a point in sharing, I'm not going to. If what I say isn't going to bring me closer to the people around me, if it's not going to benefit my thought process, if it's not going to help us gain understanding I see absolutely no point in sharing.
Today, however, I did share an impassioned thought on something. I did this knowing that the person next to me probably wasn't going to like or agree with what I was saying. They didn't rebut or anything, I just got that vibe based on body language and past thoughts they had shared that would counteract my thoughts. And honestly, it's bothered me all day. Knowing that this person feels the way they do. I'm more than willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's just hard because I've been where they are, BELIEVE ME, and it's such an unhealthy way to think about things in my opinion. So now knowing that I've shared something so deep in my heart in a place where someone finally disagrees with me (normally this thought wouldn't be a point of disagreement). It's scary, it's daunting, I sort of regret sharing my thoughts because it's easier to keep them to myself and share them at other times. But I did nonetheless and I cannot take them back, only either continue to ascribe to them, tweak them, or drop them. And that's the beauty of what I've learned today. That sharing something DOES NOT mean it defines who I am in my belief systems. It defines nothing really. It only speaks of what I'm feeling in that moment. And there is the beauty of living, friends. I will continue to share as I feel (which probably won't be much like this cause it's just not my style) so inclined because I am awesome and my feelings do matter. Take me or leave me world, but you need me. Just because we're friends in Jesus and we love each other so much! Haha take that, "unloved" ones! YOU'RE SO LOVED!!!! And I don't care if you don't believe me. I'll just have to show you with my words. :)

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