Journal 32

So... I'm gonna stumble through some stuff here.
I used to preach/teach/understand that I should wrestle with God, according to the passage in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with an angel of God. That's still effort, and if I'm honest, I've still been struggling with that by convincing myself that effort is good for me. Yeah yeah, whatever.
So, but, today I was reading in a book about contemplation. I've been reading it off and on as I have time and have felt led. It's so much to think through...or I guess now to stop thinking through...hahaha...let the HS reveal to me over time then! Haha!
But, uhm, he was talking about how contemplation is not philosophy...it's not just metaphysical/imaginative ideas about God that we speculate about or hold Him to even. Because when we do hold Him to them, we're pinning Him down, working (wrestling with Him), and likely constraining Him to a very shallow definition of who He really is. Not that I think thinking about His characteristics is bad...at least we're thinking about Him, haha! But contemplation goes so far beyond thinking, it's crazy and I'm still getting it. It's like, totally in our bellies and totally an experience (I'm maybe stretching the idea slightly far here, but I don't know really how far...). It's not us contemplating what God is like and coming up with ideas about Him, but experiencing Him....woahhhhh, like, wutttt? Experiencing HIM. I've been really frustrated with the whole self-denial gig that everyone's on because I was dead set on it all being about us awakening to how good we really are. Sure, yes! Cool, good things! Better things! But then I've found myself still focusing on me, looking down into my soul and contemplating who I am, instead of who He is, or what He is, or allowing the Holy Spirit to fully have control. To trust for me, to know for me, hahaha. Like, He LIVES in me. Wuuut? Not an imaginary God, not a thought....but a real Person lives in me. Like, I'm pregnant with Jesus, haha. Oh,  man....woah. Woah. Woah. Oh oh oh. I've been asking Him to make Himself more tangible to me because I have felt like I'm dreaming and imagining only. But here He is, real and tangible in me! Wuuuuuuut, freaking what?! He is everything, me. He is me. I am Jesus. He is everything in me. People look at me and see Jesus, I look at them and see Jesus. We are all unique, yes, but only as Him. It's all only Him. It's all only ever been Him. No one else, nothing else, nothing less, nothing more. Allllll just Him. That's crazy.
I'm finding myself returning back to the heart of worship. Not sacrifice per se, but Him. That's it. His desires are mine, not my desires are His. I can't make myself desire what He does, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE! My acknowledgment of them isn't me acknowledging my own soul's desires, but His. They are intertwined, but I don't want to use me me me because it's truly not about me. Not in a self-sacrificial, self-denying way, but as an awakening to Him as my self. He takes over everything about me. I am inebriated. I CANNOT move without Him. All else is really false movement and back to ourselves. I CANNOT MOVE WITHOUT HIM. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING'S IN YOU.
His desires are your desires, so you don't have to try to want what He wants. You already are wanting it. You already crave it. Acknowledge it!
OH MY GOD, reveleation