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Monday, December 10, 2012

Journal 15

The past week or so, particularly the past few days, I think I've been depressed. Don't get me wrong; I totally had moments where I felt God and I know He's there and there's still joy (I don't understand it...haha), but there's just a lot of heavy stuff going on with people I really love and care about and that makes me so sad. I used to think I knew what broke God's heart but now I think I know more. Religion, of course, and depression, people not living happy lives and being miserable. Like, wow, it's really hitting me. I was so pumped to go out into the darkness and be light, but I still have yet to understand what darkness really is. It's just so heavy, because people are demonically accused. It's not that demons are living inside them (save demon possession...which is an insane accusation and allowance on behalf of the person...just wow!), but it's that demons are outside and accusing people, like "you're really this way, you're just a sinner, you're not really saved, Jesus didn't die for you before you were even born, things just can't be that good, we live in a fallen world, blah blah blah, lies lies lies." And the saddest, most absolute sad things I've ever known, is that people believe that garbage. It's sooooooo sad. Daddy is sooooo heartbroken. His children aren't enjoying Him because they either think they can't or somehow know they can't. I used to think God was so heartbroken over atheists and people who thought they had it all together. He TOTALLY is and I still believe it, but there's so much more to it all, ya know? So much more accusation, not so much the person cause He's already cleansed them, they just don't realize it yet because that's too good to be true. My philosophy is that it's so good it's true. Whatever is God defines true. And see? God is good, God is truth. They go so neatly together. We try so dang hard to get that when we should just rest and let the Spirit reveal it, ya know?
Today I received some revelation about sanctification, though. Holy Spirit says it's the process of perfecting our actions, making them line up with our identity. It's not what most people think it is: being made holy. He already made us holy, but it's Him making our actions holy because we still choose old habits and the old man (like Paul said a billion times in the New Testament). Isn't that so crazy?
It scares me so much the way Christians think they know everything about everything. There's always a boxed up answer to give someone, always that answer we think we gotta have. That scares me, friends! I see it all the time. People saying things like "well she just didn't get it...I mean come on, really? why would she think that? it's so simple." Wow, scary!! Is truth really that simply grasped in your own contemplation? That's such a fallen way of thinking: thinking on your own. We must rest, trust, and lay in His revelation and yeah, you're gonna wrestle with stuff because His truth so completely wrecks you ALL THE TIME. But that frustration is joyous because it's soooo fruitful. I just hate it when people think they've got the Bible all figured out. And if I'm really honest, I'd say most of the church really doesn't at all. It's read out of context, not through the work of Christ at all. Ugghhh...I'll just say that there are translations that I really don't like anymore at all. They're legalistic and from the fallen view of things. They're contradictory and honestly don't make any sense sometimes. It's a control thing I think. People translating it to say "you're a sinner but Jesus died for you. that still makes you a sinner, so basically what Christ did for you wasn't enough so He still has to purify you. but here's just enough hope to keep you going." No wonder why people turn away! No wonder why people hate the church! No wonder why people think they just wait around for death and then heaven! I really honestly can't blame them and that's sad! But God is doing something awesome and I love it. I'm STOKED for all my friends to get it one day.
And OH MY GAUSH, I'm so stoked for heaven. The biggest thing for me right now is that I'm gonna get to see everyone as they truly are. Like, see right through them (and I don't mean that negatively at fact the complete opposite, positively!) and know the depths of their soul. I just am so stoked to be in that kind of intimacy with people. To know the icing on the cake, the uniqueness that God has given each of us, and to see it all fully manifested....goodness, so much goodness in that!! Woo!
And I get to hug my Jesus really hard and a lot and I get to see Him with my naked eyes. Bam!!
Well, I have 3 more finals to go and tomorrow should be interesting. It's such a bittersweet thing leaving for break, though. I've been so ready to go back and see my family and sleep all day and READ and JESUS and video game and tv and friends and stuff, but I also have a very dear friend that's leaving HU, and I probably won't see her for quite awhile. It makes me so sad! But I'm honestly excited for what God is gonna keep showing her (she gets the Gospel!!!). So many blessings upon her and her family!

So yeah. Lots of thoughts tonight.

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