Journal 37

Hey Papa.
I'm having a really hard time with this new journey You have on in receiving Your love for me as my Papa. I hear You echoing such sweet things about me, but they're too close for me to believe them about myself. I get You/Jesus as my Lover, I get that. I can accept that. But as my Father? What the heck do You see in me? I get the whole Jesus mirroring me thing. Totally. But what about just You? I sense that You are really the Trinity here and Your love for me as the Father is just as intimately wrapped up in that. There's something blocking me, like some saloon doors that need to be opened, haha.
I said, "Papa, I know You're here, but I'm not sure where. What have I done?"
You said, "Nothing, Dear. I've just shown you (some of the) width and height of My love. Now I want to show you My depths."
So I said, "Echo, echo."
Then You said, "Let go."
Of what? My lack of trust? My lack of trust. My lack of doing things for myself. My lack of becoming my own male figure. My lack of being my own dad. Oh, what I can't do for myself anymore when I learn to trust You, hahaha. Man...oh, Son of Man! This is hard!!! Hahaha. I certainly need You to sooo remind me allllll the timeeeeeeee with this one. Like, every second of every day or I certainly forget it all. Help me, Papa, ohhhh, help me. Hehehe.
I do know that I can giggle and You seem to love it.
Hahahaha. What a good Papa. :)

Journal 36

Wow. It's been awhile, haha. I'm quite proud of myself, hahaha. Just cause I can be.
Lol.
Dang....
I've just been learning so much about freedom and what that really means. I've received revelation and I believe it's been confirmed that freedom is being TOTALLY free. Not at ALL bound by ANYTHING. Implying, I do not have a sin nature anymore and I am not prone to wander. I never really was, I just thought I was, or at least intuitively learned it from others that that was how I was supposed to act (however subconcious, your subconcious is some powerful stuff). But I've learned that freedom is in fact a license to sin because freedom is grace. How can grace not be a license to sin, because if it's not then that means it won't be around when you do! Haha! There's sooo much freedom on that! Freedom is freedom because it enables you to fail miserably or to do stupendously. Either way, it's there for you. It's your hero, hehe. It's your everything. We don't get or obtain freedom. Our whole lives are freedom, hehehe! We are infinite! Again, I say it!
WE ARE INFINITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhhh... so much happiness manifesting right now everywhere. Just lookkkkkkk and soakkkk ka ka kaa ka ka

Dang, Daddy
I so love You a whole bunch and I love screaming it to the whole world! I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love!!!! ahahahaha!!! You make me laugh so hard because all my friends wanna know how I'm doing. I tell them awesome because You're just amazing and my HUSBAND. And then they giggle and pretend they understand. I mean, they do, but they've forgotten over time. So I remind them and it seems so weird and foreign to them to just be sooooo in love with You because You are and we are and I am and we are one!! That's enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bahahaha, so gooooooooood, Jesus!!! Wahooo! Woop!!! Water balloons cause we can. :)
lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Happiness :)

Journal 35

So...
I'm purposefully going to go out of my way to make this as vague as possible. I really just wanna have this as a little milestone in my life. Something I can look back on and be cooled out by/about.
I think a lot of what I used to expect in life is manifesting because I'm now seeing it's true reality in Jesus' eyes. I'm learning to live fully by my feelings/heart (because it pumps so beautifully...it's JESUS!) and not stay stuck in my head all the time. With that being said, there's something really awesome and lovely that Jesus is working in my life that I'm just pumped about because I can see myself...old Martina, present Martina, AND future Martina wrapped up in this in a completely healthy and beneficial way. Never have I ever seen anything like this. I am baffled, taken aback, but super stoked because Holy Spirit is so dang good all the time.
Dang good You are, Jesus!

On a lesser vague note,
A band that I used to be hardcore into has disappointed me lately. I am currently catching up on what they've been doing and how they're all doing. My heart's a little broken for what's happened to them and how they're viewing things, but ya know? I know that my prayers are comfort to them. Hahahahaha....God...You're so good, hahahahahahaahaha. Hehehe. Oh man...Oh, son of Man! Hahaha! Gosh...I just love so stinkin' much the way that You romance me all the time. Hehehehahahaha. Lolol.
Anyways....ahahaahaha....in all of it, my past is starting to make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me now and I'm learning to really be okay with it. It's okay to have my regrets...like, wish I did something different without feeling ashamed...just learning but being okay with my mistakes...and having them come full circle in a healthy way. Like, I'm learning how to take my old habits or whatever, dig deep and see what was really going on there, yank it out, and then display it from my heart for my world to see. Heahaha, it's so good. I'm so glad that I don't have to attempt to not be myself, even as this band would say. I'm so glad that I don't have to live in this tension between my head and my soul. I just love what God can teach me through people and music and experiences and Himself in that. Oh, wow. Hahaha. I just....absolutely love what You're doing in my life. Even when I get all messed up and stuff. With confusion and gunk. But nope, You're right here. Like nothing ever happened.
Maybe it never really did in a detrimental way that had enough significance to matter much in the big scheme of things.

I'm gonna write a story one day.

Journal 34

Been awhile, understandably...lots has happened with me emotionally. I feel like I've gone back to square one in my relationship with God as my Daddy, and that's really okay! Haha. It's good! Had a nice long conversation with Him today and He's so good.
But today, I stumbled across an old fanfiction that I emailed between a friend. I'm actually really glad I read it because I can totally see where I was then. It's crazy how much my old stories reveal about what I was thinking, what I was feeling, who I was trying to please, etc. Crazy, hahaha. The really cool thing, though, was the beauty that I saw coming out of me, even though I totally didn't feel beautiful at that time and such. It's so cool. It's so cool, in particular, to see how all that romance that I wrote is totally Jesus 100% and I can expect all the things I wrote about in it in Him. It's so cool. Thank you, romance. I know you've done damage in girl's lives because they typically don't relate it to You, but thanks Holy Spirit for allowing that to be a way of talkin' to me. Hahaha. You're so good. :)
I'm so good. :) Thanks, Jesus, for being my Adam. Haha, the new One. Oh, so holy and beautiful. You're my Man and it's radd. :)
I believe in redemption and I believe in This Story I'm living.
Enjoy your day, glorious child, beautiful Bride. :)

Journal 33

Hey Jesus. I want to publicly acknowledge You on here. I feel like I haven't in awhile. Like, sat down and had a conversation with You here. It's cool.
Well, today was awesome. You sooo know what You're doing, it's awesome! Haha, You're awesome! Woot woo woo!
God...
I'm so pumped with everything You're doing here on my floor. In my family. In my personal life. It's just so rad. I'm so pumped about what You're doing on this campus.
I thank You that You're WORKING in me! It's so comforting to know that it's nothing I do, really! Haha! I thank You that in You, I can hope and I am free to live and to learn and to make mistakes and to doubt and to have faith. I thank You that I AM faith, hahaha. You're so good. :)
Let Your love be revealed to everyone on my soul right now, hahaha. Let Your love manifest in their lives in crazy ways.
You smell like heaven to me and I smell like heaven to You. Yay :)
Mmmmm...love :)

Journal 32

So... I'm gonna stumble through some stuff here.
I used to preach/teach/understand that I should wrestle with God, according to the passage in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with an angel of God. That's still effort, and if I'm honest, I've still been struggling with that by convincing myself that effort is good for me. Yeah yeah, whatever.
So, but, today I was reading in a book about contemplation. I've been reading it off and on as I have time and have felt led. It's so much to think through...or I guess now to stop thinking through...hahaha...let the HS reveal to me over time then! Haha!
But, uhm, he was talking about how contemplation is not philosophy...it's not just metaphysical/imaginative ideas about God that we speculate about or hold Him to even. Because when we do hold Him to them, we're pinning Him down, working (wrestling with Him), and likely constraining Him to a very shallow definition of who He really is. Not that I think thinking about His characteristics is bad...at least we're thinking about Him, haha! But contemplation goes so far beyond thinking, it's crazy and I'm still getting it. It's like, totally in our bellies and totally an experience (I'm maybe stretching the idea slightly far here, but I don't know really how far...). It's not us contemplating what God is like and coming up with ideas about Him, but experiencing Him....woahhhhh, like, wutttt? Experiencing HIM. I've been really frustrated with the whole self-denial gig that everyone's on because I was dead set on it all being about us awakening to how good we really are. Sure, yes! Cool, good things! Better things! But then I've found myself still focusing on me, looking down into my soul and contemplating who I am, instead of who He is, or what He is, or allowing the Holy Spirit to fully have control. To trust for me, to know for me, hahaha. Like, He LIVES in me. Wuuut? Not an imaginary God, not a thought....but a real Person lives in me. Like, I'm pregnant with Jesus, haha. Oh,  man....woah. Woah. Woah. Oh oh oh. I've been asking Him to make Himself more tangible to me because I have felt like I'm dreaming and imagining only. But here He is, real and tangible in me! Wuuuuuuut, freaking what?! He is everything, me. He is me. I am Jesus. He is everything in me. People look at me and see Jesus, I look at them and see Jesus. We are all unique, yes, but only as Him. It's all only Him. It's all only ever been Him. No one else, nothing else, nothing less, nothing more. Allllll just Him. That's crazy.
I'm finding myself returning back to the heart of worship. Not sacrifice per se, but Him. That's it. His desires are mine, not my desires are His. I can't make myself desire what He does, THEY'RE ALREADY THERE! My acknowledgment of them isn't me acknowledging my own soul's desires, but His. They are intertwined, but I don't want to use me me me because it's truly not about me. Not in a self-sacrificial, self-denying way, but as an awakening to Him as my self. He takes over everything about me. I am inebriated. I CANNOT move without Him. All else is really false movement and back to ourselves. I CANNOT MOVE WITHOUT HIM. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING'S IN YOU.
His desires are your desires, so you don't have to try to want what He wants. You already are wanting it. You already crave it. Acknowledge it!
OH MY GOD, reveleation

No shame.
I've been too busy out exploring the world instead of talking about it.
Haha, oh theories...