Hello

 Hello, old blog. 

And the cliche in addressing you in such way. 

I simultaneously hate you and love you. 

It’s hard for me to share space with you. 

You were so lonely and not getting the help you needed, but I force the space you need this time. 

It’s older me, sitting beside you. 

Hmph. There, you have to accept me because I am you and you are me. 

And it’s odd, the way I hate you. 

We’re in the same damn place these days.

You AND me. 

So many of the questions and longing you felt here you’re still feeling. 

And you wonder why that is. 

And you try to place blame. 

And some of it is warranted. 

And the world really needs to fucking heal still. 

It’s not just THAT community you talked about - it’s all of community. 

And you can’t fix it. 

And it feels like it’s slipping away from you, inch by inch. 

And you’re trying and trying not to lose yourself in the process. 

And you’re so strong and you’re so vocal - you do share your thoughts and feelings with human beings now - but you still don’t feel like you belong anywhere. 

And maybe it’s that you don’t, and you’re not meant to, at least not in the way the world warps itself to find meaning. 

Because you’ll make it and you’ll pave it, but only with the right people. 

And you’re not sure you’ll ever find those people, but I think - I think in some ways, you already have. 

You’re not perfectly aligned like the stars, and you’ll grow and outgrow some parts of pieces of each other but you’ll grow into each other, and that’s what matters. 

That’s community, that’s what you need. 

And maybe it isn’t localized - maybe you’re scattered and a little disjointed like stars falling but you’ll fall into each other. That’s what life has taught you on the long and harrowing journey so far, and it’s the truth you’re seeking and have. 

Hold on to it. 

Embrace it. 

Go with that. 

You’re no less spiritual than you were then but you’re not like you used to be. Not by a long shot. 

And you should be proud as hell of that, Martina. 

You should. 

You’re still that little weirdo that cares, and those words are for you.