Maybe

Man, how funny it is to be back here, blog. 

I think I may be returning to you because you’re a source of that chaos a friend was referring me back to recently.

You’re a source for that uncertainty, that lament, that wandering, and that wondering, even that longing inside me. 

I miss certainty. 

I miss the certainty I made out of my personality these last few years. 

I’ve been so bitter, so hurt and healing, and so self righteous about my journey that I’ve forgotten to just lay down and rest into who I am. 

And it’s so damn funny to me -

I thought I’d never be returning to this place, this spiritual place, in my life to find any sense of meaning ever again. 

But here I am. It boggles my mind absolutely. 

I wish it weren’t so. 

But,

I sense a sort of wisdom in this uncertainty and my tossing away the key and the door and the frame and all of it has left me free in most ways but also so empty in other ways. 

Not only did I throw away the framework for life to me at that time, I threw away parts of myself I really dug into crafting, the parts I’ve been developing and in a roundabout away, working on in a worshipful way. I’ve given myself over to the practice of my feelings, and while those are so very important, I’ve drowned myself in them. Quite truthfully, I think I’ve been self harming in that drowning, forcing myself to feel the most. It’s partly been experiment in learning about myself and partly been self sabotaging not to allow myself space to breathe and pause, to notice, and only attach for as long as necessary. 

And in that way, I’ve also been relying on the ingrained sense of traditional femininity in being the most emotional I can be. 

It’s so odd the way these things dance about my feet like chained goblins. 

I’ve been desiring the most raw form of me because that’s what’s been expected of me and because I take expectation as a means to harm myself with. 

And maybe that’s not a fault to place anywhere in entirety. It’s just this monstrous way of being human this is chosen for us and that we choose. 

And for all the things I love about humanity, there is still so much I don’t understand. I’d like to and maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. 

And I think I’d like to live in that maybe, very much.