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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Sometimes When You Do Some Soul Searching, You Start Finding Your Soul

Have you ever read someone else's writing and been inspired to write for yourself? Just happened to me. Seems to happen a lot to me, but we should be careful to make patterns out of our life. That seems like good wisdom to me, person I heard that from.
I want to take this space to list off things I know and am figuring out about myself. I've been remember who I am and discovering further who I am and who I may not be. Here goes.

I like nerdy things. I think. I mean, sometimes I'm terrified that I'm just a hipster trying to enjoy nerdy things for some kind of publicity or something, but I think I really do enjoy them. It's hard because nerdy things used to be uncool and only certain people would really talk with you about them. Now it's like everyone gets a bite at being clever and intelligent...that was judgment nerds taught me to think. Unlearning that thought. But I really identify with superhero stuff, and think I always have. I've always felt the hero, and I can understand the pain and anguish and angst they feel (especially origins stuff). I love fantastical stories, too. If we're not going on a journey of self discovery somehow, then what's the point of your story? That's how I feel. I like books a lot. I wear glasses. I like to write. Am I really that nerdy? Oh gosh...yes? ...yes :)

I LOVE little kid things. Seriously, the cutest nonsensical things make me giggle. It's just so ridiculous that it's amazing. Like, I don't know if I can fully explain it or not, but I seriously just eat that stuff up. It's so fantastical and amazing, it destroys always being so serious and forces you into seeing the world a new way by immersing you in it and making you stop thinking so hard. You gotta laugh sometimes, and the kid stuff is where it's at, I'm telling ya. Also, kid things just tell the greatest stories and have the greatest capacity for simple morals and ethics. It's seriously just the best.

I like theory based psychological thrillers. The kinds built on "what if?" questions. I love manipulating reality around and seeing what other options there are for seeing things. Perception is key in my understanding and I love messing with nonsense thoughts (at least that's what some people call them...I'm not so sure they're so right).

I love movies. You can thank my sister for helping me see this. I used to think they were fun entertainment for when I needed it, but no. They're completely something more now. They're visual representations of life stories, documentaries, the thill of the journey, the motion and action we feel in situations, the life questions we ponder, the birthplace and perpetuation of many lies, the best and worst of life's comedy, relief, a new world, all the many things that I enjoy. That may be enough said right there.

I love Smallville. It's the only tv series I've ever been able to fully get into. It's superhero origins. BAM right there! It's seriously taught me a lot about love and the junk we can deal with. It's shown me some thoughts on life transitions and emotional development. It's shown me a lot, made me cry, made me really upset, made me disappointed, made me frustrated, made me really elated, made me feel many things. But it's mostly just been very, very cool and very, very awesome to me. Yay Smallville!

I love books, which I mentioned. I've always loved reading because it's a whole new world to explore, and that rules. But you don't have to physically go anywhere, which is probably the best part. You can sit in your room or house or anywhere and learn all about the world around you, other people's thoughts, and perhaps even cooler, enter into someone else's imagination. Maybe that sounds scary, but I assure you it's actually mega awesome rad things.

I like religion. I don't have all of life's answers figured out, but I enjoy hearing what others have to say about life and humanity. It's also really scary, too, cause people day some crazy things about it all and some people are afraid to think fairy tale happy joy bliss ecstasy positivity thoughts about it all. That kind of really scares me. I don't want to be that way.

I love my family. My God, this means so much in a million different ways that I may just have to save for a book later. Basically, I have my reasons for not wanting to, but boy, how I really do love them. With everything.

I LOVE romance. I'm a super romantic at heart, and I've learned to not hide that anymore. I love all the cheesy things that some girls get made fun of for, but I don't care. I have a big heart and I want to receive lots of love and give lots of love in grand gestures. I'm still figuring out my giving of big gestures because I've always been made fun of for that kind of stuff (when I talk about it hypothetically). But my heart is good and I love romance! So everyone else can just suck a big one, okay??? ...:)

I still like the idea of ministry. I loathe with every fiber of my being how it's typically done (even by those trying to be different), but I still like the idea of reaching out to people in love for love. I just want it as organic as it can be, so much so that maybe "ministry" won't be anything more than life. And not for some overly divine purpose either. Just to be happy with people. That's it, that's all I really want.

I like little kids. They remind me of what's important in life and I love being there for them. I feel awkward because I don't have a ton of "experience" doing that and I don't know all the things I probably should know about kids, but I like them a lot regardless. I hope to work for a non profit helping them when I finally get a career job.

I love Jesus. I think. I'm not sure what that means anymore, but I know He's never failed me, and maybe I've never really failed Him. If we're together, we're together for good. He's probably my Savior, but I don't exactly have that figured out anymore. He's God, I think. I like God, I know. I really like Him a lot, I do. I just have a ton of questions for Him.

I like the color green. I don't super know why, but I've always been most attracted to it. For a reason? I don't know anymore. Maybe our interests are meaningful only within out uniqueness.

I really like to write. It is so incredibly frustrating sometimes because the words just don't come out clear sometimes and I have other interests, but I really do love writing. It's hard because I want to be other people when I write sometimes. But I can't because I need to be me. I just want to be me already. God, words, come on! Get with me! Hahaha :)

I love smiling about my boyfriend. It seriously makes me the happiest girl EVER. When I smile about him, my whole world feels okay and alright and together suddenly again. My smile about him reflects my heart, even when I've forgotten it. My boyfriend is the most amazing person I've ever known, and it is an honor, a blessing, and something incredibly special to know him the way I know him. And I just want to keep getting to know him. He is...everything.

I'll end with Payton because you just can't beat that, I think. :)







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