It's Juuuuuune. Gay month.
Pride Month is always a love/hate relationship for me. With corporate hands reaching into our pot, I worry they're diluting us into dollar signs. And they are. Just like everyone else.
But, it still gets me thinking about the whole being gay thing. It's like a fun little check-in, like a "Hey, I'm still gay. How'd we get here?"
The first few years of Pride felt as important as they might ever feel to me. They were a way to feel seen and feel like maybe I did matter and should be included and celebrated in humanity's embrace. I was bisexual identifying at the time and it really felt like a great way to claim my "B." (Shout-out to all you bisexual baddies).
As I've embraced my intersections of lesbianism, genderfluidity, and polyamorous orientation, I suppose you could say Pride feels a lot more complex for me.
Those are all intersections that if you know, you know. Queer people are the best at understanding. We're kind of all the same but so vastly different, and that's what makes us us.
But I guess I just wanted to do that yearly Pride reflecting again. I really haven't shared it online in quite some time and it feels right this year.
It's interesting considering all my time identifying as bisexual. I was, like, obnoxiously bisexual. Down for the cause, loud and proud as hell about it, wanting to be seen. And those were all SUCH valid ways to be. I'm so proud of myself for those years. But I am simply sapphic as all hell and there's nothing more to it.
I still maintain, like, an adjacent bicuriousity about men. As in, like, sometimes one of them will catch me off guard and I think... might smash? A little? I truly don't know what that's all about but it's in me somewhere. I know that I do not enjoy sex with men, so the curiosity is satiated. But... it lingers a bit sometimes? It's curious!
But the first time I kissed an AFAB person, it was over. The Lord made me a lesbian right then and there. I will take the softness of a sapphic every day a million times over the harshness of a cis-identifying man. (And in case you're wondering if trans femmes are sapphics, lady dick ain't the same as your crusty man's).
I identify, like, 60% masculine but find myself so very unattracted to masculinity. There has been nothing more empowering in my queer journey than to embrace being a man hating lesbian. God, the power of living a life centered around sapphic energy muahahaha. The matriarch lives within and around me.
I've had some good experiences and some bad experiences with sapphics but overall, I'd say we're pretty amazing. We're much quicker to listen, cease judgement, resort to conflict resolution, and hold the world and those we love with greater tenderness than I've ever seen any man do. Statistically, we also have the best sex, and I suspect the aforementioned qualities all have something to do with that.
I was recently discussing queerness with a friend and she asked, "I've been asking my friends - where are all the lesbians? And they told me they're all in their burrows being cozy."
Ain't that the truth.
Even when we're sweaty on the dance floor, or Uhauling it across country, we're domestic at heart. It's like a reclaimed version of what the patriarchy expects of us. It's true matriarchy. The hearth that keeps all of life cozy and safe. We've got the softest and safest hearts.
The thought of telling a lesbian she is wrong or nasty for loving women/sapphics is the entirety of the world's problems summed up in an evil thought. HAVE YOU KISSED A WOMAN'S LIPS? You'd see the future, understand rocket science suddenly, become a linguist and a poet, and heal through past lives if you did. Men being unchanged in this way by women tells me all I need to know about how they receive women. (And yes, I say receive. Bow down before us.) They don't receive women. They siphon the celestial energy they feel from them and seek to repurpose it for their own gain. To kiss a sapphic is to be truly changed for the better. Baby, we're your upgrade in this universe and the next.
And what to fall in love with us? Boy, you're in for your TV to start turning color again. The old you was black and white. Binary even. Incapable of seeing limitless possibilities. You are magnetized to the earth in sapphic love. Plants start sprouting in places of your soul you did not know existed. Healthy bacteria, fungus. Your immune system is upgraded. Your celestial being is right in karmic harmony. The world lets go of you a little bit. You breathe through nostrils you never had before. Hell, you breathe colors. The world tilts a little and changes.
So stop fooling around and make us the heads of your nuclear families (looking at you, Indiana).
And on the parts of my queer journey that involve my gender and polyamory:
I used to say that I didn't think I could be with cis women because I didn't think they would understand that I'm not always a dyke. Sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes I feel bigender, sometimes I feel gender fuckery (as in, I'm whatever you don't want me to be that day), and most of the time, a child could decide my gender for me and I'd be happy with that. But I was wrong: Lesbians get me. Way more than I anticipated they could. Being sapphic includes trans men and I think that's really freaking cool. It's an honor to be embraced in my genderfluidity as a masculine identifying person. Pfft, lesbians think sapphic masculinity is hot. And it is. And we are. Tender but strong in all the ways a cis man never could be. We pave the way for a new masculinity even. Always have, always will.
As for my polyamory these days, I'm not really practicing. I had such a terrible mindfuck of an experience prior that I've needed some years to lay off the stuff. My therapist tells me that seasoned polyamorists often land in a comfortable place of monogam-ish because we are worn out from all the drama of group dynamics. And lord, are we.
I think there's a real beauty to abundance in love. Good lord, I'm deeply romantic. I could live off romance alone. The thought of sharing romance in abundance and multiple dynamics excites me and gets me out of bed to pursue relationships. But the reality of making that happen? Ha, that's slim to none, baby. People are messsssyyyyy. Better to have one healthy relationship than a few that are falling apart. But I won't give the stuff up completely. Who knows? Maybe there really are enough people to make it happen in this world and lifetime. I hope so.
I'm solo these days and in my career girlie era. But never gayer. And prepared for my life to change one day as a polyamorist lesbian. I'm very excited to keep exploring dynamics in my life with time. Nothing will stop me from being gay, I can assure you of that, dear reader. I happily make being gay my entire personality. *Lizzie McGuire cartoon voice* Deal with it!
As always, do gay things. Be gay all the time, not just in June. Fuck corporate fascists, get down with the fags. We've always been here and always will be. Deal with it!
