What... a thing to say.
I mean it makes sense. The math adds up.
But that means this blog is... 17 going on 18 years old.
...you know what? There are much more unbelievable things going on in the world now than when I was 15. HA.
At any rate, I don't get on social media much any more. I've found a way to protect my privacy and hold myself to a healthier standard that is less oversharing, more vulnerability with my loved ones.
I have some dope ass friends. It's actually ridiculous how fulfilling it can be when you're willing to curate your boundaries and a circle that can support them.
I wanted to pop in and offer an update. It's been a few years? My mind tells me I need an outlet and I certainly love the idea of washing away a little mystery (JUST a little) about my life, and then I shall go back into hiding I suppose muahahaha.
Honestly, nothing's changed as far as how I function in my day-to-day. Still processing the entirety of the world, my trauma, and my aspirations. I have my best revelations when I'm sitting in bed and staring at the wall.
I'm quite a homebody these days. I'm very regrettably back in Indiana/Indianapolis until I can get my finances back to where I'd like them to be. I'm doing okay - learning about my goals as a single-income person has been a journey but a good one. It's empowering and forces me to truly dig at what MY priorities are (and to continue examining my privileges etc). I don't think I have them completely sorted out yet but I'm getting damn near close.
On the flip side, I have purchased the insides of what I'd like in my future living situation but just need the space. I've really set out to not lose my independence/adulthood as I've adjusted to living with others the last few years. Pretty proud of myself.
Being a good ass psychologist has been my major focus. I've been working with autistic kiddos for quite awhile and while the field is not my end goal, I can't even describe how much these little beans teach me about therapy every single day. I'm also surrounded by people that are the most caring people I've ever met, prioritize their own growth, and seek to make the world a better place by being themselves. That's what I want to do in the world, too.
I've really been thinking lately about how I intend to navigate the world as a leftist having left leftist spaces (left...there, I said it again). I am absolutely more of a leftist than I could have ever imagined since I've removed myself from those spaces that commune around shared leftist values - I just focus on embodying them, not telling them. And I've gotten some pretty damn awesome results, I must say. I'm not just posting about how much I care about something, I'm showing people. Quite honestly, I think people listen better through your actions anyways. Not to mention, I've been taking this time for communal solitude in tending to myself and checking in on my how my values inform how I show up for myself as well. My intersections matter too, dammit.
In community, though, I've learned that I just am not the personality to help people work through any type of ego-reaching, posturing, or lack of accountability issues. That's DEFINITELY a group worth sharing space with if you have the kahonas and patience for it. I simply do not. I believe there's an extreme trigger there for me as well - just NOT a healthy space for me to be in. I'd rather spend my time (and I'm more effective as a leftist) around people with hearts of gold that want to do right by people but need to examine their biases. I'm your guy if you need help in that way, let's gooooooooooo. Gotta be willing to be honest and earnest about it all, though. Not easy to do.
I do wonder if this will change for me at all in the future as I have to consider the different types of clientele I'll be serving. What does it mean to show up for a fellow leftist that won't examine their own biases or practice true accountability because it looks like failure in front of their peers? I don't know that answer. Yet? Who knows. Obviously this doesn't mean EVERY leftist yada yada yada but it does mean there is a cultural problem and I believe leftism also has the answers that underlie why that is, but that's for another day. (I can already feel the fellow leftists waiting for the intellectual answer - remember, I'm not your guy for this problem even if I can speak your language. We wield it differently).
As I move forward in my life, I will summarize the unpleasant parts I'm moving through. I lost my baby kitty and greatest life companion Greta in April, am not on speaking terms with any of my family members, and am processing another breakup. BUT, and HUGE BUT, those are all actually good things this time around? I've loved so very much, I'm grieving, but I'm prioritizing me in this era of my life, no holds barred.
One of my therapy goals in moving back home was to get to the root of why I can assert boundaries but not maintain them when pressed against. I now have my answers and they're extremely unpleasant. But I had a kitty to walk through the trauma and lessons and joy of my life with me, and a girlfriend that traveled me all over the world (pretty literally) and loved me better than anyone has. What a treat and a joy my life is, even when endings and grief occur. I'm so lucky.
I'm really kind of doing this life thing on my own right now for the first real real real time. I've got my loved ones and a breakup doesn't stop someone from being in my corner (or I in theirs). Dykes don't work that way.
Anyways, I'm very loved, I'm very exhausted, I'm learning, I'm stepping in to more of me, and I'm almost 33.
