I'm 32 Going on 33 Now

What... a thing to say. 

I mean it makes sense. The math adds up. 

But that means this blog is... 17 going on 18 years old.

...you know what? There are much more unbelievable things going on in the world now than when I was 15. HA. 

At any rate, I don't get on social media much any more. I've found a way to protect my privacy and hold myself to a healthier standard that is less oversharing, more vulnerability with my loved ones. 

I have some dope ass friends. It's actually ridiculous how fulfilling it can be when you're willing to curate your boundaries and a circle that can support them. 

I wanted to pop in and offer an update. It's been a few years? My mind tells me I need an outlet and I certainly love the idea of washing away a little mystery (JUST a little) about my life, and then I shall go back into hiding I suppose muahahaha. 

Honestly, nothing's changed as far as how I function in my day-to-day. Still processing the entirety of the world, my trauma, and my aspirations. I have my best revelations when I'm sitting in bed and staring at the wall. 

I'm quite a homebody these days. I'm very regrettably back in Indiana/Indianapolis until I can get my finances back to where I'd like them to be. I'm doing okay - learning about my goals as a single-income person has been a journey but a good one. It's empowering and forces me to truly dig at what MY priorities are (and to continue examining my privileges etc). I don't think I have them completely sorted out yet but I'm getting damn near close. 

On the flip side, I have purchased the insides of what I'd like in my future living situation but just need the space. I've really set out to not lose my independence/adulthood as I've adjusted to living with others the last few years. Pretty proud of myself. 

Being a good ass psychologist has been my major focus. I've been working with autistic kiddos for quite awhile and while the field is not my end goal, I can't even describe how much these little beans teach me about therapy every single day. I'm also surrounded by people that are the most caring people I've ever met, prioritize their own growth, and seek to make the world a better place by being themselves. That's what I want to do in the world, too. 

I've really been thinking lately about how I intend to navigate the world as a leftist having left leftist spaces (left...there, I said it again). I am absolutely more of a leftist than I could have ever imagined since I've removed myself from those spaces that commune around shared leftist values - I just focus on embodying them, not telling them. And I've gotten some pretty damn awesome results, I must say. I'm not just posting about how much I care about something, I'm showing people. Quite honestly, I think people listen better through your actions anyways. Not to mention, I've been taking this time for communal solitude in tending to myself and checking in on my how my values inform how I show up for myself as well. My intersections matter too, dammit. 

In community, though, I've learned that I just am not the personality to help people work through any type of ego-reaching, posturing, or lack of accountability issues. That's DEFINITELY a group worth sharing space with if you have the kahonas and patience for it. I simply do not. I believe there's an extreme trigger there for me as well - just NOT a healthy space for me to be in. I'd rather spend my time (and I'm more effective as a leftist) around people with hearts of gold that want to do right by people but need to examine their biases. I'm your guy if you need help in that way, let's gooooooooooo. Gotta be willing to be honest and earnest about it all, though. Not easy to do. 

I do wonder if this will change for me at all in the future as I have to consider the different types of clientele I'll be serving. What does it mean to show up for a fellow leftist that won't examine their own biases or practice true accountability because it looks like failure in front of their peers? I don't know that answer. Yet? Who knows. Obviously this doesn't mean EVERY leftist yada yada yada but it does mean there is a cultural problem and I believe leftism also has the answers that underlie why that is, but that's for another day. (I can already feel the fellow leftists waiting for the intellectual answer - remember, I'm not your guy for this problem even if I can speak your language. We wield it differently). 

As I move forward in my life, I will summarize the unpleasant parts I'm moving through. I lost my baby kitty and greatest life companion Greta in April, am not on speaking terms with any of my family members, and am processing another breakup. BUT, and HUGE BUT, those are all actually good things this time around? I've loved so very much, I'm grieving, but I'm prioritizing me in this era of my life, no holds barred. 

One of my therapy goals in moving back home was to get to the root of why I can assert boundaries but not maintain them when pressed against. I now have my answers and they're extremely unpleasant. But I had a kitty to walk through the trauma and lessons and joy of my life with me, and a girlfriend that traveled me all over the world (pretty literally) and loved me better than anyone has. What a treat and a joy my life is, even when endings and grief occur. I'm so lucky. 

I'm really kind of doing this life thing on my own right now for the first real real real time. I've got my loved ones and a breakup doesn't stop someone from being in my corner (or I in theirs). Dykes don't work that way. 

Anyways, I'm very loved, I'm very exhausted, I'm learning, I'm stepping in to more of me, and I'm almost 33.  

 

Abracadabra

Right now, I am in Texas seeing my girlfriend. These weeks off in my life always provide a respite from my very, very full-time life. Working full-time and pursuing a degree full-time while healing from deep trauma in EMDR therapy and trying to have a semblance of a life outside all of that is pretty exhausting, I must admit. I heal and gain great clarity on these weeks. Maggie is very good to me. :)

We got caught up on Lady Gaga's new business and watched the Abracadabra video. I am now becoming a Gaga Stan. Something very, very, very deep and guttural found words in me through her art. 

I heard someone explain her new song as spell for getting through these dark times. I want to get up on stage and scream with her. 

Let me talk to you all about something. 

Y'all know my life has been a fucking mess. But let me talk about what happened after the mess happened. 

I dissociate as a trauma response, and do it quite often in my daily life. That means I feel very foggy headed and have trouble grounding myself into my present. My body and mind do everything in their power not to be here, and I am learning the reasons for that as we speak in therapy. It's excruciating. But alas, after the mess of it all, I was very seriously on the verge of being hospitalized. My body was running out of resources to cope with and there is only so much resilience one person can maintain in their body before crashing out. Two summers ago, I was horrified at the idea of finding myself passing out from exhaustion, non-verbal on my floor, dissociating to high heavens. Dissociation is a really fucking scary experience, especially when it's that level of intense. 

So I moved back to Indiana, for the temporary time being as I finish my degree.
I'm embarrassed by it. I fucking hate being here with every fiber of my fucking being.

When I moved back, I was in the middle of being off my anti-depressants and very quickly realized I needed to get back on them. As these massive shifts in my life were happening, I was learning about Gaza. When my sister came to help me load up in Columbus, she caught me dissociating and in explaining to her what was happening to me, she realized how bad it really was for me. I remember driving from Columbus to Indiana with my sister in a Uhaul, dumping on her about my life and the intense heaviness of having to move back home while two sentences later crying about Palestine. 

The world, and my world, felt completely ripped wide open. I've fought varying levels of depression since I've been back (though this time is much, much different than being here before). Even if I wanted to help the world around me in the capacity I once used to, I didn't have the resources. Learning about Gaza changed everything I understand about the future of things, both personal and systemic. 

In the long and short of it, where I felt powerless to help (as did many others), I saw kids dancing on rubble and singing. I had absolutely no excuse not to do the same in my life and country, though completely different situations. (And of course, may I acknowledge that even in my life's implosion, some of what I experience is an era of my life, not my every day. I see and acknowledge those for whom that is the case).

At the end of my wits and strength, I had no choice but to choose positivity. Sinking any further than I already was was simply not an option. If I want to effect change in the world, I must remain and I must find a way to thrive. There is no waiting around on getting people that don't care to care about what's going on in the world. There is only dancing. 

As the world falls apart, we have an enormous opportunity to innovate and to make the world into what we want it to be. If Palestinians can find their humanity when it is wholly unrecognized, we are privileged to wrestle through ours. Don't you for one fucking second give up on that. 

We need to be clear on what we want. Maybe we don't have that. I know it's bleak. I don't care, loves - Keep growing, expanding, and learning. Break down every barrier and bias you have within you. Dismantle the capitalism from within so that the capitalism on the outside matches the conditions. 

We are not fighting for rights and pleading to a system that will not care. We are creating new paradigms and ways of being by piecing together the fallen pieces. The world feels shaken and split in two because we (ESPECIALLY white people) are gaining clarity - genuine, authentic, clear clarity - on what capitalism actually is and how white and genocidal it is. Colonial settlerism is not a thing of the past, it is now and it is the future. Everything traces back to the system of whiteness hoarding identity while violently taking from others - I mean fucking everything, every branch of every 'ism.

If I were to give any advice, any advice at all to any of my white friends right now -- 

Stop listening to me.
Go read a queer, black person's book. About damn near anything. I have no recommendations, it's not about my thoughts. Go read. Learn to listen.
From my experience in social justice spaces, they are the people that stay when everyone else leaves. They are the backbone of this country and the world's progress. Consider this: The people most excluded by the system are the most qualified to critique it.
Then, and only then, can you begin to see why this American discomfort is not new, only expanded and in plain sight once again. 

If you're feeling like you don't know what to do, stop asking yourself that. Start creating. Start failing, and start creating. And if you've already been doing that, keep doing it. We fucking need you, you brilliant son-of-a-bitch. 

We cannot stop

We cannot stop

We cannot stop

We cannot stop

We cannot stop

If Lady Gaga, through her fibromyalgia, can throw herself around on stage while casting a spell for the times, so fucking can you. If Palestinians can dance on their decimated cities, you don't get an excuse.

Get up and DANCE. Claim joy. Do not leave it on the backs of people that will be/already are forced to fight your fight for you. Get the fuck up and dance. You are wanted on the floor. We built this shit built by fucking brick. We did. They didn't. Now dance.

Yo

I'm feeling slightly lighter lately, so here's an update?

I honestly thought I was gonna wait until a few more things were lined up in my life before I made another check-in like this. I've been a reallllll slut for privacy in this part of my life. It's SUCH a vibe, I'm so here for it. 

Anyways, I'm finishing out the last year of my undergraduate degree while getting my life back together in Indiana. I fucking hate being here so goddamn much and I'm sorry to my friends that have to hear me say that all the time. But I truly have continued to come to terms with the misery/sense of depression I get from being here. I've never felt like I fit in here - that's always been the lingering feeling. 

At any rate, I work with some awesome people that love autistic kiddos and it has given my sense of purpose and praxis so much focus. I wanted to move back home to focus on my career by getting through school and was NOT anticipating I'd be working in the field already. It's a beautiful ray of hope I didn't expect but I'm grateful for. 

Like I said, I'm not in leftist spaces anymore (for right now) because I'm over all the bullshit and practicing community with my co-workers is an unexpected but so so great development in my values. I've really been trying to embody my values instead of talking about them the past few years, while that has simultaneously meant showing up for MYSELF and being as available as I can be to others. I'm learning that I don't have to try more than I already try -- people trust me because I'm a real, ever-growing person, and that's all there is to it. That's the magic and creativity of life I guess. 

I'm already bored talking about this and as much as I adore conversations about life I also am so exhausted by them so like whatever. I'm T-I-R-E-D trying to inspire. I just wanna fuckin' exist. So like, life, or, whateverrrrrrr. 

Oh, I'm also still polyamorous but not really practicing and doing intense trauma healing in therapy. An average day for me.