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A friend texted me late in the evening recently, "I miss you bitchhhhhh." We don't even live in the same town. 

I saw Hilary motherfucking Duff with a friend of 20 something years. We completed a friendship arch that I literally cannot describe.   

Another friend hosted me in their city for Hayley Williams some months back, bought me dinner, and was willing to have a hard conversation with me recently, when I needed to have it out of the blue. 

My other friend duels with me on Pokemon TCG when we're hundreds of miles apart, asks for my change of address to send me mail, and gives me so many trinkets of appreciation that half of my room is virtually a shrine to them. 

Yet another longstanding friend has been out-of-state for years and intends to move out of country in the coming months but we've stayed talking on the phone since high school. He makes a point to see me for the holidays and a little distance ain't nothin' to us. 

I think one of my friends is turning me into a spiritual person again? I've had the privilege to work with them and they lead with such compassion, it's inspiring. And let it be known, I don't make work friends, not really. 

I also live with 4 gay men that keep tabs on me, know my location, are listed as emergency contacts, and enjoy shit talking a dank Tubi movie as much as I do.  

Someone I recently caught up with said, "I need to do what you do in keeping boundaries in my life!" We were speaking about no contact with family members in particular. I looked around and said, "You do this. You build your own family." 

Ever since I was a child, I have felt alone. Deeply, alone. Blend all the types of trauma into a pot and you get me. And ever since I can remember, I've struggled to remember, meaning I dissociate. Floating in the ether and feeling like nothing enhances the loneliness. I suppose that was the safer route than being present. 

But friendships have always been the support that carried me through everything in my life. Even the ones that came and went. 

I have worked my b-o-o-t-y off to cultivate healthy relationships in my life and every day, I get to watch those decisions play out. Like a proud parent to my inner child. "You made it! You built your family! You are present." 

Something is resonating with me lately. I have deep neglect wounds. I have never felt a true sense of home, or a safety that stays long enough to feel like home. Something has always interrupted that process, sometimes self-imposed (sabotaged). 

But there are all these threads of bits of truths I have weaved together through time, and the people that have stood with me during that process are the home. I am the home because they are the home. 

And I've consistently had people tell me how bright my light is, how I need to be giving it to the world etc etc etc etc. 

I don't want to be extraordinary. I just want to be home. 

I don't want to just change the world. I want to be a part of it. 

I don't want to just heal. I want to be whole. 

I'm not certain if this world will ever let me fully feel that sensation, but this is the process I want to be in flow with. 

Back to earth, back to home.