I stopped Doordashing to come home to write this post. Let that be the embodiment of this message: Pause capitalism to find authenticity.
I had my tarot read recently and I practice privacy so just know that I am keeping much to myself here. But, Dina gave me a few insights that are resonating with me.
She said that I am in my most authentic Aquarius form/power/state right now. And, I also drew the fucking tower card AGAIN. But, she said that the tower card can also mean that juggling something that is really great can be hard juggling. I am claiming that energy.
I've been on the cusp of something... just, something... lately.
I've also been a little less atheistic lately and a little more agnostic? I'm feeling fairly witchy and something feels in alignment in correcting the way my ancestors have practiced spirituality. At least the American ones.
There is something about needing to protect your energy as a healer. People siphon that shit left and right, and I can draw a line back to capitalism and colonialism but I'm too tired for that. If you get it, you get it. That's where the spiritual comes into play for me. There is a knowing without words, the way nature knows.
And speaking of nature, let's talk Aquarius.
They say it's the age of Aquarius for the next some odd years. In some ways, I'm thriving as shit gets real and we finally fucking put words to it all. The pain, the anguish, the despair of capitalism and human suffering, but the joys and music and poetry and bountiful beauty of humanity.
They say I'm the water bearer. I bring change, I bring enlightenment, I bring insight, I bring intuition. I have been pressed all my life to let my little light shine, and people regularly share with me how much they appreciate my wisdom and authenticity. So like let's fucking talk about that for a second.
This is what I mean when I say that people siphon your energies.
Do you feel how batshit the world feels right now? I feel a celestial shift happening, and it's driving me insane. I genuinely feel like I'm losing my grip on reality lately. So much is shifting and I feel prepared for that (as an Aquarius does), but I don't feel people writ large are. (Again, capitalism does not equip us with the tools to engage change... forever fuck colonialism...). I feel authenticity staring us right in the retinas and it is scaring the absolute fuck out of people. These people are not the innovators, the star gazers, or the dreamers. They are the followers. And they are wholly unprepared for what is coming.
With that daunting message out of the way, what I mean to say is that people really don't know what authenticity means. They really, truly don't know how to heal. I talk about healing all the time, and grief, and welcome to living in this world. Awareness is only the surface of the beginning. The digging deeper to find oneself is... something I believe that is incapable of being articulated in Western language, by design. Our words, our systems...are not designed to hold space for us whatsoever. They are designed to cultivate labor and suffering of the majority for the greed of the few. And it's that simple.
But when we hear these words... labor, suffering... we're already assigning intellectual definitions to them. We worship the written word. We're not invested in breaking down how labor and suffering and inequality have been written into our identities. I will not elaborate further here, just do some research. In fact, read Forest Euphoria by Patricia Ononiwu Kaishian. Much of what I talk about here she talks about there.
So, when we are presented with opportunities to... wait for it... let's talk therapy speak here...
Hold boundaries
Speak our truth
Stand in our identities/intersections
we have absolutely no idea how to authentically do that.
What do we do instead?
Well, let me talk about the people I know best: white women.
We become mean girls.
We say, there's absolutely no way I am being walked all over again. Here, let me reference my whiteness in learning about boundaries. Ah yes, the violence of my whiteness and my white tears, my discomfort. I am uncomfortable, do not make me uncomfortable. There, that is a boundary. I have spoken my truth. I am a woman. Tehe.
And if you're a liberal/liberal leaning/progressive/leftist/whatever, you're probably thinking about someone you know and not yourself. Because you are always the victim. I've been that bitch before.
White woman victimhood is not empowerment, nor is it true villain era material.
To be a true villain is to thwart the authorities and any internal authorities we bow down to. Bowing down makes us anything but villains. They make us dutiful little soldiers.
I could wax on and on but I hope the message stays potent and perturbing. May you be perturbed.
The point I am making is that if you want to be authentic as an Aquarius, you have to quit the shit. Alllll of the shit. Your shit, your mom's shit, your white ass shit, all the shit. It's an addiction, think of it as nothing less.
When I was in martial arts, my father (though a terrible person, he did leave me with this...) would point to the "extreme martial artists" at conventions we'd go to. They would have flashy moves, like in the movies, and lots of things for show. We studied Tae Kwon Do and the first form you learn is literally walking and punching in four directions. But my father taught me that every single fucking movement and the way you catch the wind with those movements is the fucking form. It is everything. He'd point to those extreme bastards and say, "yeah, they're cool, but they don't actually know real martial arts. they're just for show, and that's their thing. that is not our thing."
If you do not investigate every fucking move and every gust of wind you make with power in your life, you cannot possibly show up authentically. You will not have foundation in your life, and you will not be able to build momentum to build power. If your technique for walking and punching sucks ass as a white belt, you're gonna suck ass as a black belt, too.
Leave no cracks in your foundation. Let change rock you. Let the mundane strength-building power you up like a goddamn Pokemon (or Dragonball Z?).
If you want to be authentic like an Aquarius, LEAVE. NO. CRACKS.
Own it. Own all your shit, all your bullshit. Own it. Own it.
There is no shortcut to authenticity. not even standing in the shade of someone with authenticity. We will see you and we will walk away so that the sun may expose you.
You cannot be caretaken into authenticity either. Someone else cannot teach you authenticity. They can merely mirror it. I'm going to start laughing at you all when you ask me one more time how I am so my own person. I cannot teach you that. There is no shortcut. To me, the ask is the sign of the problem and it's offensive that you'd need my energy to find your own. What's mine is not yours, in the deepest recesses of my soul. That is my soul, not yours. You must ride the journey to authenticity alone. It is the only part of individualistic culture that I think makes any sense. Your community may have you and build your identity with you, but your most authentic self is in you and you alone. That is the self. That is the ego death. That is you.
If you want to be yourself, watch an Aquarius. But just watch. Once you get there, you'll know exactly what I'm waxing wise on. If that feels mysterious to you, you're not getting it. Start over.
Y'all... I'm just saying... cut the crap this Aquarius age. Like for real. The bullshit is EXHAUSTING ðŸ˜
Make your money Doordashing like me but cut the bullshit. Pause to find authenticity. And hell, document it like me.
